I am in the same place, lc4. I spent my entire afternoon drafting up an e-mail to my H letting him know that I cannot do this anymore. That our marriage as it is...is over. I'm going to sit on it for a day but I'm leaning strongly towards sending it.
I think both of our H's feel the need to run from their problems, to escape, to withdraw.
I believe I am finally ready to let mine go if that's what he truly wants. I started posting 4 months after the bomb so I think I've had time to process this decision.
I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. I am praying for you as we speak.
It seems to me you are on your H's roller coaster. When he's up, you are up. When he's down, it's likewise for you. It seems like you've really been doing this for a long time. It's time to stop riding. Detach from his emotions. It may take some space and boundaries to make that happen.
You are doing some good things to GAL. However, are any of things that unusual for you? Some time when you don't have the kids, is there something unusual or maybe even a little radical that you can do? Something that would put a little more spring in your step?
Endeavour, bless your sweet heart, girlfriend....you and I are in such similar, awful places. We have hung in there with our wayward, walk-away spouses for so very long, and we are both simply worn out. We've tried taking care of our husbands, our kids, our extended families, our friends...everyone but US. While I do not know what the right thing is for you to do, please know that I completely understand and support whatever you choose as your ultimate path. You are the only one who truly knows when you have had all you can take.
With regard to my situation...the kids seem to be doing "ok" with the back and forth between our two homes; I know that I will be financially "ok" if/when we divorce; I am emotionally "ok" with letting my husband go. All things considered, I think it's time to call it a day. I never in a million years thought that I would end up a divorced mom of 4 young kiddos. I was raised in a Cosby-esque home, and my two sisters are living Cosby-esque lives with their husbands and children. So, I have had to realize and accept that there is a mighty plan for me and for my children - even if it's not exactly what I had hoped, prayed and planned for - and I'm up for whatever it is.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wish we could chill with some Bluebell ice cream (it's a Texas thing) and a bottle of wine (at least for me!), some mindless magazines and a great comedy on tv. We are both going to make it through this hell just fine. We might have different outcomes; we might not...but either way, I know we are both going to be okay.
I just wanted to add that "done" doesn't have to mean being done with the marriage forever.
It can simply mean being done with resisting his choices.
And just letting things "be".
For me, it also means letting go of the uncertainty and letting them make their own decisions without influencing them, or trying to control the outcome. And setting boundaries.
I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. I am praying for you as we speak.
It seems to me you are on your H's roller coaster. When he's up, you are up. When he's down, it's likewise for you. It seems like you've really been doing this for a long time. It's time to stop riding. Detach from his emotions. It may take some space and boundaries to make that happen.
You are doing some good things to GAL. However, are any of things that unusual for you? Some time when you don't have the kids, is there something unusual or maybe even a little radical that you can do? Something that would put a little more spring in your step?
You will know when you are absolutely done.
I'm in your corner. I am praying for you.
JB, Thank you so much for the hugs, and thank God you and Telemark are in my corner. You both have been saving graces in the last few days. I am so grateful for you both.
My husband is very content with our situation as is. I, on the other hand, am not. I've told you...I'm very "what you see is what you get," "it is what it is." I'm not okay with being married but living apart. I'm not okay with the fact that OW may still be in his life. I'm not okay with living in limbo land. I need to get off of the roller coaster.
With regard to GAL'ing and putting a spring in my step, I'm not sure what it is I could do differently, but maybe it's time I took a serious look into that.
I'm really starting to think I am absolutely done.
Endeavour, bless your sweet heart, girlfriend....you and I are in such similar, awful places. We have hung in there with our wayward, walk-away spouses for so very long, and we are both simply worn out. We've tried taking care of our husbands, our kids, our extended families, our friends...everyone but US. While I do not know what the right thing is for you to do, please know that I completely understand and support whatever you choose as your ultimate path. You are the only one who truly knows when you have had all you can take.
With regard to my situation...the kids seem to be doing "ok" with the back and forth between our two homes; I know that I will be financially "ok" if/when we divorce; I am emotionally "ok" with letting my husband go. All things considered, I think it's time to call it a day. I never in a million years thought that I would end up a divorced mom of 4 young kiddos. I was raised in a Cosby-esque home, and my two sisters are living Cosby-esque lives with their husbands and children. So, I have had to realize and accept that there is a mighty plan for me and for my children - even if it's not exactly what I had hoped, prayed and planned for - and I'm up for whatever it is.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wish we could chill with some Bluebell ice cream (it's a Texas thing) and a bottle of wine (at least for me!), some mindless magazines and a great comedy on tv. We are both going to make it through this hell just fine. We might have different outcomes; we might not...but either way, I know we are both going to be okay.
Right back at ya. ((( )))
I'm so glad your kids are doing well. I pray mine will be okay too.
Financially I will also be fine. I saw a lawyer after the bombing in April.
That icecream sounds fabulous. I can't drink wine (allergic to sulphites) but I'll take some organic vodka.
Hang in there. Sit on it all for awhile. If it's right, you will feel peace come over you.
My husband is very content with our situation as is. I, on the other hand, am not. I've told you...I'm very "what you see is what you get," "it is what it is." I'm not okay with being married but living apart. I'm not okay with the fact that OW may still be in his life. I'm not okay with living in limbo land. I need to get off of the roller coaster.
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you NOT to be OK with the situation as it is. You absolutely do need to get off the roller coaster. It's killing you.
Originally Posted By: lc4
With regard to GAL'ing and putting a spring in my step, I'm not sure what it is I could do differently, but maybe it's time I took a serious look into that.
I think this would help get you off the roller coaster, too. IMO, it's time to start mixing it up. I think the hardest part of this is the initial brainstorming.
Originally Posted By: Endeavor
Hang in there. Sit on it all for awhile. If it's right, you will feel peace come over you.
I agree with this. In addition, what is God telling you to do? (BTW - I doubt this roller coaster is part of His plan)
Good morning, lc4. Hope you had a restful evening.
"It seems to me you are on your H's roller coaster. When he's up, you are up. When he's down, it's likewise for you. It seems like you've really been doing this for a long time. It's time to stop riding. Detach from his emotions. It may take some space and boundaries to make that happen."
A great observation by jb (he's a pretty smart cookie). We allow our spouses to control our emotions and feelings when we react to their "stuff". There is the expression about poking a bear with a stick...picture 2 bears poking each other, with each bear getting angrier w/ each poke. Before long...
...bear fight!
So, our solution is to say, "Enough." Not just detach, but amputate completely. Shock and awe. Cut our losses. Whatever you want to call it, it is our heart's and mind's way to ease or end the pain and frustration.
Do we want to end our marriages, or just end the roller coaster ride? We feel stuck and trapped within a relationship that is going nowhere even though we are trying to make it work (editors' note: please refer to "parental love vs. marital love" post for additional details). Can't move forward, don't want to move backward and sure can't stay in the same spot.
I've read these statements several times on this board:
"It's not over until we decide it's over." "The time to decide it's over is different for each person."
I may get a 2x4, or even a 2x6, for this statement, lc4, but given the length of time you've been dealing with your situation, I think it is OK for you to close the door and move on. Your H has filed for divorce 3 times in nearly 3 years. He's in, he's out; he's in, he's out. You have too much to offer for it to be wasted on someone who cannot, or does not want to love you and appreciate you the way you deserve.
The notion of staying together for the kids' sake? They are aware of the misery their parents are experiencing. Children want their parents to be happy, or at least content. Some parents can remain together for their kids and be able to maintain a peaceful family life, but I'm guessing that is a lesser percentage than those parents who remain together and still have a miserable family life.
In the end, each of us decides when it is time to move on, and we can't let anyone else make that decision for us.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Ic4. I'm sorry to hear that. I feel the same way already and we are not even separated yet. Got txt from her cousin yesterday telling me to back off and give her a break. Really? I told him how I felt about our family and how important it was to me. I told him that I would be agreeable had we made every effort to save the r. But she refuses any counseling, any self-help methods to improve things. I've given her space, and more space and nothing happens because she's so immature that she thinks the feeling is just going to come back. Still blows me away that she had more common sense and is smarter than anyone I've ever met but can't put basic theory's to work. "Ebooks are stupid", "Therapists are stupid", In her world everyone is stupid. Sorry, just venting. I hope you're able get your head in the right place to make the right decision for you and your kids.
