This day just keeps getting worse. I can't get the OW out of my head and the lies my H had to tell to make it all come together. I really thought I handle on the detachment. I feel like I am back to square one. Even considering confronting OW today!!
you'll regret it...I"ll post more later but please, you can always confront LATER
but you cannot take it back once its' done..
So wait and give this a whole lot more thought...
Besides,
Your goal is what??
Okay fine, NOT a recon (b/c if it IS a recon, this won't get you there) But if not
...how about dignity, grace and strength in the face of betrayal??
how about KNOWING you can always hold your head high b/c YOU acted THIS^^ way
and NOT out of anger..???
More later but please do NOT confront HER....
not yet...
sleep on this a few nights and post HERE... you'll never regret thinking things out BEFORE you act
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I second what 25 said. I had the chance to confront OM during my ordeal as well. I never did. I'm glad now that I did not. I would have destroyed so much more than just him and my ex. I know that now and can see it.
Know what else? OM is not the problem. Just the symptom. Really. And at the very least, OM will get what he deserves. Possibly my ex
Give it time. Give it thought and understanding. You are angry and rightfully so. But you won't get the satisfaction you are looking for by confronting OW. Won't happen. Guaranteed.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Do not confront OW!! It will just cause H to defend her! She doesn't give a rats a$$ about you or your children. I know this first hand! I sent OW a letter a couple of weeks after BD and told her how devastated D16 was, and all she took from the letter was that my H was only with her out of pity. I never even used the word!!! I never even said anything about her, other than appealing to her as a mother to think about my child. She didn't even care. It was all about her!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
You are considering confronting the OW out of your pain. You want her to feel bad. You know, rationally it won't actually make you feel any better, and it is thus a distraction.
We have all been there, wanting to bawl them out. Wholly understandable, and totally pointless. It actually gives the OW a power and importance they do not have. It is true they are the bandaid of choice for our spouses, but they are not the cause of what is going on. Just a symptom. Given that they are usually very damaged people getting angry will both cause your h to defend her, and feed any one of her number of neuroses.
Calling her out is beneath your dignity. Stay aloof. It is more interesting and appealing and keeps you on another level.
As I have posted elsewhere, the process of fully healing takes a long time and involves, sadly a lot of pain and effort. Please believe me, a happy survivor, that it really does get better, and you become eventually, a person you like and feel at ease with. This will not destroy you, it will re-make you into someone totally amazing. LBS shine like stars. The petty stuff burns away.
Well, I did not confront OW or H yesterday. Thanks for talking me down from it cause it would not have helped. You are all right. I want them to know the pain. Yet, I know they never will. My heart feels like its ripped open again. I hate this.
Talked to H today about finances and he suggested we get together tomorrow to talk! HEre we go again.
Spoke to H this morning. Tired of the manipulation. Now he said he may not be able to meet for a few more days. WHy do I always feel I am being held by a string. I know- because I am not detached. WHy is they seem to call all the shots. Why do we need to get together to tell me he wants a D? I believe I need to just move forward with filing.
he cries and talks about his shame and how OW was "never worth all this" and he does NOT want a divorce... lots of Words of regrets w/ NO follow up Actions. No contact with the kids in person? None? for a year...???
Do I have this ^^^^ right?
IF I DO, then what choice do you have Life? Going on like this? Really??
Filing may or may not wake him up
but what you've done so far has yielded you and the kids NO contact initiated by him
and money problems, and no predictability...
& No contact with the kids....
so I'm left with wondering what there is to discuss in person?
Didn't he stand you up last time, or cancel at the last minute?
Am I being accurate? Remember to focus on what has actually happened in his actions and NOT his words...
it gets too easy to fall into the trap of confusion with the "I could never come back b/c I don't deserve you and
(which might translate into
"therefore I want you to make it SO easy to either divorce OR take me back, that I don't have to change or try much, b/c even though I'm in pain and am very unhappy and very Uncomfortable with my present choices, it's still easier for me to wallow here in my self loathing, than to bravely face my demons and the damage I have caused and CHANGE"....).
But when you look ONLY at his actions
let's review what we KNOW....and please correct me if I'm wrong here...but are
these the things we know? he left his family home
he does not contact his family
he lives with OW
If this is all true, isn't there some clarity now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
by inserting some visitation into the div documents, it's possible you'll force him to see the kids more
and that might be good. If he fails to show up, you document it and get paid more
but make sure you don't set the kids up. Either commit them to time with you and then if he does show up you see them all off for a fun day
and if he doesn't show up, they don't know.
I lived near a single mom with 2 kids, many years ago. Her h had left her for OW (though she was a tad nuts, and I never knew if he actually was ending the Affair...as she sort of forced the issue and made it clear to her kids how he was leaving THEM ALL...she acted out of her anger and fear, pretty much all the time...)
anyhow, I recall seeing the kids sitting on the stairs waiting for their dad, who usually didn't show up. IT was in Texas in the summer, so we're talking frickin HOT days... and the mom made them wait outside...I often wondered if she had set it up intentionally
b/c when I met the dad at son's graduation, he seemed sad but kind.
Point is the MOM could've made it easier on THE KIDS...but was too weird about her anger and victimhood.
You are NOT HER, make no mistake, but see if you can figure out a way to protect them while also supporting some visitation for him. It's his only way back into their hearts
and into some sort of redemption. NO, you do not owe him this.
But you owe your kids your best efforts at forgiving, so they can let go of their own pain. Not for him...for them...and you.
God bless and hold you & yours in these tough times...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
