THanks for stopping. Yes, there is sickening clarity.
He did stand me up last time. He has been out of the house for 6months and NC with kids and me for approx 3 months.
But, then why all the remorse, etc. I guess I don't need to worry about why! RIght. He is the one to want to meet this time. THe only I advantage I see is that I get to tell him how I really feel about all of this. Maybe not a good idea? I also feel like if those tears were any bit of hope-the papers will just crush all of it. I know I sound wishy washy. It has been a hard week once again.
THanks for stopping. Yes, there is sickening clarity.
He did stand me up last time. He has been out of the house for 6months and NC with kids and me for approx 3 months.
Well then what has been going on for a "year"? What was the last contact with the kids like? Has there been physical in person contact?
But, then why all the remorse, etc. I guess I don't need to worry about why! RIght. True, you do not need to know why he feels remorse (your hope is that it means he is 5 minutes from reconciling...you are NOT done with him are you? That's fine, but be honest...)
FWIW, I don't think HE knows why he does what he does, and therefore your efforts at understanding his actions and words, are going to be fruitless. Besides, is there a reason in the galaxy that would actually help you find solace and peace and to "get this"? I don't think so, except maybe a brain tumor...
He is the one to want to meet this time. THe only I advantage I see is that I get to tell him how I really feel about all of this. Maybe not a good idea?
Do you even KNOW how you feel? And fyi, IF you meet with him AND IF the R comes up, whatever you say will be tuned out if you speak in more than one paragraph. He'll tune out, or hear only what he fears...or only what he wants to hear. he'll be incredibly defensive. You'd have to be so brief (for clarity sake) I'm not sure you can. You are understandably bewildered and furious so it'd be hard not to unload...
I also feel like if those tears were any bit of hope-the papers will just crush all of it. I know I sound wishy washy. It has been a hard week once again.
Tell me how filing will crush his hopes. I know he's extremely fragile, but do you see how that works FOR him too?
I'm not arguing it won't crush his hopes but I don't know what his hopes are...we only know what he DOES and does NOT do..(like come home and join AA)
I want to understand exactly what you fear here...and what you are willing to risk (for your kids too)
and for how long.
I concede that HIS asking for the meeting is new...but did you ever get an apology or explanation for his standing you up? And what did he say he wanted to discuss, specifically?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
1) all you can go by are his actions. He needs to get that.
the post I wrote earlier today discussed the discomfort of his choices...I want you to really think about that for a minute. 2) Comparatively, it must be easier for him to be and wallow where he is, than to change, and face the damage.
In a nutshell, that's it isn't it? I mean, otherwise he'd be home now.
I wish he could grasp that the damage he is STILL doing, will ultimately lead HIM to so much more pain...
not to mention yours and your children's pain.
The kids will grow up with or without him. If he remains gone, HIS loss will be very great. (a Greater loss than theirs, given the givens...)
You, OTOH, have no healthy choice but to move on...and to grow and become healthy and in time, happy. You won't be looking over your shoulder every time something goes wrong in your new life. (He will....)
Looking at the future...various paths...regardless of whether you remarry, there will be other positive male role models in the kid's lives, thankfully. (And if you do remarry, imagine what they could see in a healthy m...just saying, there are upsides to divorce, when the alternative is crap).
Anyway, the kids will grow up with or without him. They grow fast.
They will have graduations, weddings, child births new jobs and trips....where will he be?
WIll he walk someone down the aisle, be there as "the father of..."?
Will he proudly beam at his new grandchild in the maternity ward, or will he simply get an "indirect" announcement via another family member who was acutally there?
He has avoided looking at the enormity of his coming losses...and hasn't had to.
While it seems overwhelming to him now, in some ways it's simple.
He just has to return & make incremental but consistent changes in himself,
(Life, think "geometrically" for a minute...a small change in angle, of just a few degrees, leads you to a very different place than if you had not made the change, once you get down the road. Make sense?)
So let's say he returns and he regains some trust with the kids. (They WILL forgive him if he returns. They are simply built that way, thank God).
He and you can help create a legacy of commitment, forgiveness and redemption. It's a generational thing here. Not just the coming weeks or months... But He has to do his work.
My worry is that he's lost, selfish, fragile and weak. The longer this goes on, the less likely it is that he will do what's needed to get moving. He has work to do.
I don't know what will make him do the work, or if he will or if he can...I just don't know. Maybe filing will make him wake up at some point.
But isn't the question what filing will do for YOU?
YOU have to decide what you can tolerate and for how long. Only you can make those choices. No one here will judge you.
We do have to set examples of boundary setting for our children. And we are teaching our children, whether we mean to or not. We (and they) do Not need the "company" of someone who isn't actually there for us. We must teach our children not to go to "empty wells" to drink, to quench our emotional thirst, or we'll always be thirsty.
Teach them how to recover and heal and be happy again. That is our job.
As for your h, his confusion is confusing to the rest of us. So all you can go by are his actions. He either walks the walk or just talks the talk.
So, What do YOU do?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It has been ONE year since the bomb. Living in limbo. H coming and going. Last physical contact 3 months for all of us. Last time it was awkward but did some stuff around house. That is when he took me aside and told me more about OW and his regrets. No telephone contact with kids for 3 months. Me-we went 6 weeks with NC. Last couple weeks once in awhile for financial reasons. No, I guess I am not done. When I wrote I was I felt like that but it does come and go. Maybe it is my family I am trying to hang onto though. So, if we do get together- He wants to talk about the sitch. What do you recommend I say? Honestly, I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. No, nothing would bring me peace I suppose. I used to think him coming back as a changed person to who he used to be and saying he was sorry and made a lot of mistakes would do it. And, willing to get help for us and his drinking. I fear there will never be a chance again to make this work. He is such a coward that he wouldn't fight for us even if he wanted to if I file. DOes that make sense. Easier just to leave it alone. I can't risk finances anymore. I would do anything for my kids. He only apologized after I contacted him to tell him why I did what I did with MY finances. I mentioned had we would have got together it could have been avoided. He had the ususal excuse. My thought right now is who thinks they can be married and still live with OW?!? I guess a lot of people. But, enough is enough in my opinion.
It has been ONE year since the bomb. Living in limbo. H coming and going. Last physical contact 3 months for all of us. Last time it was awkward but did some stuff around house. That is when he took me aside and told me more about OW and his regrets. No telephone contact with kids for 3 months. Me-we went 6 weeks with NC. Last couple weeks once in awhile for financial reasons.
No, I guess I am not done. When I wrote I was I felt like that but it does come and go. Maybe it is my family I am trying to hang onto though. I've been in and seen many military families lacking a parent and still being "families"...you don't have to have him there to make it a family. Besides, he isnt' there now and that's just reality.
Deal with what IS...
So, if we do get together- He wants to talk about the sitch. What do you recommend I say? Very little. LISTEN...Get data....it's a "recon mission", if you know what I mean. If he presses you for answers, which I doubt he'll do unless he's fishing, then you tell him you need time to process whatever he said...
Honestly, I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. No, nothing would bring me peace I suppose. I used to think and Now??
him coming back as a changed person to who he used to be and saying he was sorry and made a lot of mistakes would do it. And, willing to get help for us and his drinking. I fear there will never be a chance again to make this work. He is such a coward that he wouldn't fight for us even if he wanted to if I file. DOes that make sense. Easier just to leave it alone. It's less UNcomfortable for him than changing or fighting for you guys...or so he thinks...and in the short run, he's probably right. And that's all he sees now. I can't risk finances anymore. I would do anything for my kids.
THIS ^^^^^ IS THE ANSWER IN 2 SENTENCES...IF He really presses you for a response, this is all that you need to tell Him....
He only apologized after I contacted him to tell him why I did what I did with MY finances. I mentioned had we would have got together it could have been avoided. He had the ususal excuse. My thought right now is who thinks they can be married and still live with OW?!? I guess a lot of people. But, enough is enough in my opinion.
No (healthy/sober/sane/acceptable) man really believes he can live with an OW and still be "married" in any real sense of the word.
Plus, he's not in touch with the kids or hanging around even pretending to be daddy...
That's what I got and I'm sorry Life...I really am. Just thinking you have to deal with
what IS and not what you wished for or hoped for or are still mourning...you have the
"RIGHT" to feel crappy and sad! But since you also have kids to think of and like you said, you cannot risk the money issues anymore, you cannot stand still and do nothing.
And that...is...that....
kind of simple really.
Hard, traumatic, and very crappy, but not complicated....
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc-thank you. The part where you said it is less UNcomfortable for him to change right now-or so he thinks-and he is probably right. Is that because it IS a lot of work to right all of this is a sense and is overwhelming to him. Or, is because I have made to hard for him to think we could recon.
25yearsmlc-thank you. The part where you said it is less UNcomfortable for him to change right now-or so he thinks-and he is probably right. Is that because it IS a lot of work to right all of this is a sense and is overwhelming to him. Or, is because I have made to hard for him to think we could recon.
It Would be A LOT of work for him to confront his internal issues (drinking, fears, lies, the ramifications of the lies still being revealed, humbling shame, etc) and
the external damage (what he must at some level realize, now or in the future if he were to return and sense the kids' and your pain)...
as to whether it overwhelms him, sure it does, when he actually does look at it, which maybe hasn't yet occurred...
I don't know if he goes there much yet, or for long. Think about it, if you have ever done a pretty terrible thing to someone you love
it's very very hard to contemplate it for long. Too painful.
Remember that story I told you about how I let my resentment of my h poison my response when he gave d1 an Ipod? (I felt it was a "bribe" he gave her out of guilt for leaving, and I just had to make a snarky remark that really wrecked it for her. Totally removed any good feelings she might have gotten from his gesture.)
yes I apologized the same day. But just thinking about it now, and writing it down here--
still hurts me and still shames me. (And I've done a lot of personal work!!)
So yeah, if I had done to MY kids and h, anything close to what your h has done...
WTH??
True, I'm NOT your h and it just wouldn't happen
so we can only go "so far" when it comes to putting ourselves in their shoes... sometimes it hinders our vision b/c we keep thinking they are like us inside but they may not be.
In a way, it doesn't make much difference why he isn't home
b/c the bottom line is, he isn't.
Could you have kept the road home more paved and smooth, and guilted him less?
Who knows? Maybe so....
but is there anything someone else could say to you
that would keep YOU away from your kids this long??
(I thought not...)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc-thanks so much for the insight. Spoke to H this morning in person. He is once again very remorseful and full of regret. Many tears were shed. Said he was miserable. Nothing good in his life and says he knows he's depressed. I listened and validated. I am terribly sad for him and our M. He said again he doesn't think I will forgive completely. Also, doesnt' know how he can face kids. He is so ashamed. I reminded him they love him and would forgive. Told me I am his best friend and the only one he trusts. He reflects on our good times. I tried to only listen but of course said I can't live like this forever. It is unfair. Reminded him I am willing to do the work. He never said he was though. As miserable as he was and I believe this was not a show, he drove to OW house again. Never asked to come home. I didn't ask either for him to. When he left he said he can't believe the amazing person I am. But, now I don't know that I believe it cause he drove away and I feel like we are not worth the work of recon. He did ask if he could call me again and would like to see kids soon. I said of course. Haven't heard from him again. We did discuss finances so I have decided to put a hold on filing. What do you think?
CS-yes I see the pursuing in this. His actions speak really loud. I feel my actions and words are consistent the majority of the time. 25yearsmlc- could you read this update please and give me your input too. Thanks CS too. At one time 25 said he seems paralyzed by his shame and I am seeing that loud and clear. And, that he has to figure out on his own I have realized.
