Denver - I thought your letter was great. I actually could copy it and change the names and send it to my H verbatim. I think the time to stop beating yourself up over the past has long sailed by and that you've given your W a lot of opportunities to work with you on your M - more than many others would have done.
I posted in your thread months ago and let you know how it feels from your W's perspective. And I can tell you from that same perspective that the letter you sent was beyond reasonable.
I think your attitude is very reasonable for the situation and while everything you've said or done isn't perfect, perfection can be vastly overrated. If the changes that you've sustained for the past nine months aren't sufficient for your W to take the chance at rebuilding your M, what else can you (or even should you) do?
But, this is just my opinion.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I think she's going to continue to try to maintain casual contact with you so she knows you're "still out there." And how you respond to her next contact will be key. And she WILL contact you over some mundane item.......
Yep. Like I said, how she's going to respond to this is all very predictable. Starsky
Well, so far, no response or contact from my W. I figure that it will probably be a few days, because she is absolutely slammed with work this weekend. I also think that she will want to send me a considered reply. Guess we'll see.
Thanks everyone for you posts.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver - I thought your letter was great. I actually could copy it and change the names and send it to my H verbatim. I think the time to stop beating yourself up over the past has long sailed by and that you've given your W a lot of opportunities to work with you on your M - more than many others would have done.
I posted in your thread months ago and let you know how it feels from your W's perspective. And I can tell you from that same perspective that the letter you sent was beyond reasonable.
Thanks grr and TG.
TG I appreciate you giving me your opinion on my email to W. I absolutely remember your prior posts on my thread and how much your perspective meant to me. So it actually means a lot to hear that my letter was okay.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey Denver... You get lots of traffic and I am not on here much but I got an email to check this out and post my opinions (not sure why as you already sent the email) but lucky you get to hear it anyway
I think you email was from a guy...
by that I mean
that it felt very "this is how it's going to go"
I am not sure if this is the way you were before and so this is status quo or if you were a bit wishy washy before so this is a 180
but
I am not your wife
and
I gotta tell ya
I would tell you to pound sand
if you were really the prick you say you were for your marriage and you have only been at this 9 months and I got that letter...it wouldn't shock me into seeing what I lost, it would solidify my opinion of what I left
but
that is just me
which is neither here nor there in your situation
just remember that DBing is about the changes in YOU who YOU want to be
not who you want to be perceived as or who you wish you were
maybe you need the time to work more on yourself so you are less likely to be drawn into reacting with your wife
so your responses are not reactionary but responses from a place of loving care
just a different perspective
I started my new teaching job this week and something struck me in all our inservice classes (I am working at a Tribal school on a reservation) One of the tribal leaders said that being a Dakota is hard because every step you take is a prayer...
how beautiful huh?
so try thinking of every interaction as a prayer...not for a reconciled marriage but a prayer for the well-being and peacefulness of your wife's soul
Did not hear from W after I sent the email until this morning.
W sent me a brief email.
W: "I want you to know that I got your emails. I just don't know how to respond."
I did not reply to that email.
The second email that W is referring to is one that I sent a little later on Friday about the concert tix that I had gotten for SS, W and I. I told her to take SS and let him take a friend with my ticket. Gave her my login and password to ticketmaster so she can print them.
--------
Called SS tonight to wish him good luck for his first day at his new school tomorrow. I asked him if he was excited and he said, 'no'. I asked him why not. He said, "Because I want to go to my old school". Pretty sad. We talked a bit more. I told him to try to be positive about the new school. Told him that I loved him and got off the phone with him.
That's it for now.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
If and when she contacts you, and you THINK she's probing or doing it half ass or simply
not coming out and saying all that you need to hear right away...
don't ignore her, okay?
Be kind and clear and consistent and NOT demanding.
You have a lot to prove to her, just as you feel she has to prove to you.
Don't make this about her crawling back, which I know was not your intent.
I simply worry (a little) that if she contacts you or reaches out to you'
and it's Not wrapped exactly the way you want it to be, you'll reject it/her.
Just a thought.
Remember the book, "The 5 Love Languages"? And remember that workshop I told you about?
I attended the workshop with a male doctor who talked a lot about his w and marriage. He spoke of how she didn't do the things he needed from her, or the way HE wanted.
he spoke of how dissatisfied he was in general.
Towards the end of the weekend/workshop, he discussed how his wife had asked about coming to see him finish/"graduate".
He said he wanted her there, so she made plans to come.
Then he changed his mind, (he had his reasons) so she changed her plans and decided not to drive up.
Then he wanted her there again, and she again made her plans accordingly but asked him if he was "sure this time."
He was about to get irritated at her for that comment, when instead, he Suddenly stood up, in tears, and said
"All this time, she's been trying to love me in her own 'lane' and
I've been letting it pass me by b/c it wasn't coming in exactly the way I wanted it to come in...
all the love I've turned away from, such a waste."
That's a true story but simply something I wanted to share with you to think about. But No hidden meaning.
We're all pulling for you Denver.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just a thought/concern If and when she contacts you, and you THINK she's probing or doing it half ass or simply
not coming out and saying all that you need to hear right away...
don't ignore her, okay?
Be kind and clear and consistent and NOT demanding.
You have a lot to prove to her, just as you feel she has to prove to you.
Don't make this about her crawling back, which I know was not your intent.
I simply worry (a little) that if she contacts you or reaches out to you'
and it's Not wrapped exactly the way you want it to be, you'll reject it/her.
this is a legit concern 25. I feel that I need to be firm in the boundaries that I am trying to establish. And yes, they are for me. I'm not trying to punish her, I just can't continue to live in the pain of what has been W and I's R for the past 6 months.
But while I feel that I need to be firm, I also really do have compassion for where her heart and mind are right now... she is confused and scared.
I still want to be that 'rock' that I spoke about so much in my earlier threads. I still want to be 'lighthouse' home for her. I still want to keep the road home 'paved and smooth'. And i do still love my W, unconditionally.
^^^ These were all things that I read here, thought about, and adopted as part of my approach to my situation.
But how I do that, but also remain firm in my boundaries and in protecting myself, I struggle with.
I don't want to reject her if she does come closer to me but does not or cannot give me everything that i need right away.
thank you for making that point 25.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Remember the book, "The 5 Love Languages"? And remember that workshop I told you about?
I attended the workshop with a male doctor who talked a lot about his w and marriage. He spoke of how she didn't do the things he needed from her, or the way HE wanted.
he spoke of how dissatisfied he was in general.
Towards the end of the weekend/workshop, he discussed how his wife had asked about coming to see him finish/"graduate".
He said he wanted her there, so she made plans to come.
Then he changed his mind, (he had his reasons) so she changed her plans and decided not to drive up.
Then he wanted her there again, and she again made her plans accordingly but asked him if he was "sure this time."
He was about to get irritated at her for that comment, when instead, he Suddenly stood up, in tears, and said
"All this time, she's been trying to love me in her own 'lane' and
I've been letting it pass me by b/c it wasn't coming in exactly the way I wanted it to come in...
all the love I've turned away from, such a waste."
That's a true story but simply something I wanted to share with you to think about. But No hidden meaning.
We're all pulling for you Denver.
(( ))
Thank you for sharing that 25. I understand the point. What I said above applies here as well. I don't want to reject my W if she can partially give me what I am asking for, but at the same time, I do NOT want to go back to living like I was from April through July.
I guess that I will have to just see what W says, what she can offer, if anything, consider it, and go from there.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Denver this is hard stuff man. I know your heart is in the right place. You know what you want.
That is one thing that I know for certain Gritter. My heart is in the right place. I am doing everything that I can to save my M.
I was telling a bit earlier today that I cannot rest until this is resolved, fixed. My mind thinks about the situation, how I should respond to future events or words from my W, what I can do to foster a positive outcome, etc.
But there is NOTHING that I can think, say or do that can change anything. It is beyond my control.
So my mind spins like a top... I am a hamster on a wheel and have been for months.
But my heart is in the right place. And I do know what I want.
It is the first time in my life that I have wanted something so badly... worked very, very hard to attain it, used my mind to strategize and try to figure out how to go about getting it... and been unable to get it.
This is the worst thing that I have ever gone through. Incredibly painful and frustrating.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
You have to be consistent and that doesn't mean getting what you want when you want it.
yeah... patience... Over the past 9 months, I have told others here to have patience and give things time countless times. And I practiced it myself during much of that time.
Yet... I am struggling very much with these concepts right now.
I feel that I am at the end of my rope... but I also do not want to give up.
This is a tough place to be...
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
It means knowing your values and acting from them.
Values and integrity do not falter with the whim of emotion.
So now.
When/if W starts a path back. Don't react with your emotions (fear is the biggest one we as LBS's let get in the way)
Act and speak with your values and with integrity. Be consistent with that and you will not make mistakes.
In any and all your communication (or lack of). stop. Take time. And ask yourself is this my emotion getting ready to act or speak for me.
Or me?
I am trying Gritter.
-----------------------------
I am having an extremely hard day. I don't know why, but I have been overcome by sadness this morning.
Sometimes it is like a dam holding back all of this emotion, my mind trying to put aside the pain so that I can think and act clearly... and sometimes that dam breaks.
I have not heard from W since she sent her email yesterday morning telling me that she received THE email that I sent to her and that she does not know how to respond.
I am second guessing some of the things that I said in that email.
I don't trust what I think, say or do regarding my situation any longer. I don't trust my instinct.
I feel blind.
Denver
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
