I don't trust what I think, say or do regarding my situation any longer. I don't trust my instinct.
I feel blind.
You should not trust your instinct (ie your feelings) none of this "feels" right........
however it is what works for both of you.
for you it protects you from the pain of contact with her while she is undecided....
and
It gives her the opportunity to assess her decisions.
In time the pain of not hearing from her or the second guessing will go away.......
The time it takes for that pain to subside is significantly shortened by focusing on your life, your goals, your desires.......YOUR HAPPINESS.
In time you will be able to carry on that casual contact with your W......you will be able to support her in a loving way without getting your feelings hurt by her not reflecting that love back towards you.
During this time you will learn to "LOVE" (verb) your W differently........actually you will learn to "LOVE" everyone differently.
When you learn this and do it you will find JOY in it........your capacity to LOVE will grow.
Right now your capacity to "LOVE" is somewhat limited by your own needs and desires.........not bashing you.......it is just the way it is.
You will learn to "LOVE" the way GOD loves us.........it is in that "LOVE" that you will find the joy in life again.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
You're not going to like what I'm going to say Denver. But, if you've followed my sitch you'll know the perspective.
My XW ended my M and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it. In the past several months I have often thought and wondered: how could things possibly get better? I did my DBing, my GALing, my 180's and I feel better and stronger, but none of that influenced any of HER decisions. She pursued OM and filed for divorce.
Which leads me to question if I could ever trust any kind of future commitment from her. She's changed, not the woman I married, become weak, forsaken her faith, discarded her wedding vows. It could all be medical, depression related, MLC, whatever - but excused? I think not.
You see, as much we work to change ourselves, better ourselves, try to become that person she'd be a fool to leave, we still have no control over our WAS's, their feelings and ultimately their choices.
For me the hard truth is they are the ones who really need to also CHANGE, if we're ever to take them back and have a better M, as opposed to the same old crap that fell apart. And I'm not going to watch and wait for that to happen; life is just too short.
So think about what you really mean by "unconditional love." For me it means, "I let you go".
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
MHL, Pickle - Thanks for your thoughts. Stuff to ponder I suppose.
Maybe I see my situation as being closer to reconciliation than others on the outside looking in. Maybe that is my problem.
I just feel that somewhere within my W she knows that she wants to make our M work... on the surface though, she is confused and afraid.
Of course there is a significant possibility that I am wrong.
But feeling like that, it is very difficult for me to really turn my attention to doing things that I would do if I felt like my M were really over.
It is limbo.
Where I have been for months.
Nothing in my email to W has changed that.
I can pretend that I am okay moving forward with my life all I want... it doesn't make it true. I'm not ok with that.
I'm not ready for that.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I don't know if I'm ready, either, although a do a reasonable facsimile of convincing myself and everybody else that I am. Basically, I get it. We've both been on this train for around the same length of time separation-wise. I understand. I feel the same.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I can pretend that I am okay moving forward with my life all I want... it doesn't make it true. I'm not ok with that.
You see my signature block. I'm still married - I just don't pretend to be.
Remember what I said: you can change all you want to, but if she doesn't, decide if that's the W you can't live without.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Maybe I see my situation as being closer to reconciliation than others on the outside looking in. Maybe that is my problem.
No maybe about it. That is your problem. It causes you to focus and obsesses about every interaction with your W. Even when you say you've "detached."
Because you look for signs, look for hints, try to feel if she's coming around. It doesn't work like.
I think what you really need to do....is take a brake from all that thinking. What I mean is don't be Gloomy Gus b/c you think your marriage is ending, but don't be Eager Pete because you think recon is just around the corner.
It's emotionally exhausting to switch back and forth. Why not just focus on the now.? What ever that is. Look at the positives. Know the negatives kinda stink, but that doesn't mean they were forever.
It took me a long time to get to that point, and some days are better than others.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Remember what I said: you can change all you want to, but if she doesn't, decide if that's the W you can't live without.
My W is as up and down as our situation is. One minute, she is the person that I fell in love with and married, and the next minute, she is the cold, hardened person who left me. THAT is the problem. I would definitely get on board with your point if she was always that cold person.
She is so damn confused about what she wants for her life ... that is what is driving the roller coaster that I am on.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
