Thank you. HOw do I get rid of this pain? Yes, I know we r to believe none of what they say but when there is a thread of truth how do you tell yourself that that isn't the only reason the marriage failed. I feel so much guilt right now. I know it doesn't justify what he did. I do know before he left and this stuff was brewing I did push him out by doing just what DBing says not to do. I hadn't found this sight. So, I live with that guilt too thinking had I just done the right things maybe it would have turned out differently.
I know I need to go back to NC. I felt so much better during that time but then I get sucked back in. THe pain rears its ugly head. I have to deal with it though I think not just stuff it so everytime I have to deal with him it comes out. How?
That is the question of life, isn't it? We all ask it at some important times in our lives.
We know a few things about how. We know in TIME it improves, but not in a linear way. You know, 2 steps forward, one back. Sometimes 6 steps forward and only 1 back...etc
We know that GAL helps. We know having and strengthening our faith helps.
We know having other people in our lives who love us helps.
And we know that having a sense of purposes in our live, and hope for better, help.
That's all I caan come up with now. But you are in control of a lot of the above^^^.
Since you know your kids will face heartbreak of their own some day, remember to model for them, what grief and healing and recovery (and happiness regained) look like.
Big Hugs...
(( ))
PS remember too, I could be wrong.
But even if I am, putting your kids first gives you a clear "to do" list for now, doesn't it? You must protect them and you. Then see what happens. We'll be with you every step of the way.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I just take it all so personal and it is but the stuff that is said is so cutting. It hurts. And, the look of hate in his eyes. WHere does that come from? I just have to believe that he is not the H and F I knew and loved.
Life - If you haven't read Brooklyn's thread 'This might help' I suggest you do so. It reminds us not to take it so personally. Also Forward's thread on apologies on why they keep saying hurtful things.
Life, I have seen those "if looks could kill" come from my husband's eyes, too. I could be wrong, but I believe it comes from them not being able to understand it's not external forces that are causing them to be miserable and depressed.
It is why they run. They think it's external that caused it and that something different, externally, will take care of it.
We can only hope that they realize that it is their own issues that have caused their pain and unhappiness while on their journeys, for their sake.
I couldn't find that thread of Brooklyn's. SA-I have been reading some of your old posts and yes our H's could be brothers. Yikes. Thanks for everyones input. Signing papers today.
L2. To answer your question about the pain, can I ask you a question? When you look back, can you honestly, and I mean really honestly say to yourself that you did the best you could with the information and knowledge you had at the time?
'Cuase if you can, you can no longer hold yourself to the standard of what you think you know now. If you did your best, there is no more that you can reasonably be asked to do. Nor is there any more than you could ever reasonably ask of yourself.
Guilt? I don't think that's the appropriate emotion/reaction. I think sadness is correct. Humility, and more sadness at your grief for his choices and the loss your family feels. But from the sound of it, you aren't still in love with him as much as you are with the idea of what you had. I suspect that's because you know somewhere inside that you can't make this work alone and are grieving. You are doing the post-mortem of what you could have done differently. What went wrong. If only...
I'm trying to tell you there is no such thing here. Not to say that you couldn't have done things better/differently but that the result was and is outside of your control. I'm also suggesting that if you did what you can honestly say was your best at the time, then you have nothing to be guilty about.
Go in peace, L2. Do what you have to do for your family and don't spend your energy beating yourself up about what might have been. He made his choices as much as anyone.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am doing okay. Thank you everyone for your replies.
I think maybe because I have lived under such manipulation for so long with H that I can never really believe I did everything I could. Always second guessing myself. Had I done this it would have changed that-kind of thing.
He has made horrible choices. I cant understand the selfishness of it all. That was not the H I knew. I wonder if there will ever come a day when he will talk more about it all or not. He has opened up some but then shuts down quickly. He has said I haven't talked for 40 years why start now?! Wow, what a way to live.
I did file. HE should get papers today. Wondering what will happen now.
