Life, take a step back. Thinking that you are always going to second guess yourself sounds like something to work on. I don't think you need to second guess. Here's why: no matter what you do, it is not enough to justify what he did. I don't say that lightly.
When a MLC'r/WAS leaves, they can't be expected to take the blame for leaving can they? They have to have a "reason" kind of like you want a reason. They say things like, "you never listened, why start now?" or "I never loved you." etc. The list is long and goes on as if from a well of things a person leaving might say.
Know what? It's BS! You know better than to think you spent a lot of your life trusting somebody who didn't love you.
At this point, he is doing what he knows how to do. What he learned, likely before you met him. That's no reason to lack self-confidence in yourself. You made your choices and took action based on what you knew and what he told you and showed you. You weren't a fool, you didn't choose poorly, and nothing you could do could have caused what he is doing now.
Are there changes for you? Certainly. Part of life for you to need to change. But his words are his feelings and anger. They don't accurately describe you or your actions in most cases.
Rebuild your self confidence. Rebuild you and your daily life. Rebuild. Focus on you and let him handle him. You can't do it for him, nor I suspect, do you want to do that. Not deep down.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ- thanks. I do need to start working on second guessing myself. I feel like I constantly need reassurance that I have done the right thing. I think the whole sitch just still hasn't "sunk" in. THis is my H right now. He really did this! The man I loved and trusted with my life could now careless if he ever talks to us again.
Life, can I make another suggestion? Try not to guess what he feels or doesn't feel. I know that's hard, because you would like to get a clue from him.
It won't be there I'm sorry to say. He won't give you the clues you need. He doesn't likely even know. It's why you need to step back. We call that detachment, but you need to do it so you can see more clearly without the haze of his nuttiness which will impact your clarity.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you AJM and SA. I really wish I would not have had to file. I wanted him to do it but I realize he left me with no choice. Just feel like it is over. I really don't want it to be done but he will see it as I do and not fight it. I wanted to have more time to DB. I am afraid we will never talk again. Venting today.
Venting is a good thing. You should do it more often
As for words like "never".. try not to get those into your head. Instead, think about what you are willing to do or not do based on your real choices. I say real choices, becuase you are not powerless. You have choices. You don't like all of them, but you are not powerless. That's important. Painful as it is.
Words like "never" don't really have a part because you "never" thought he would do these things and you "never" thought you would have to file for divorce, right?
Hang in there. Heal.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJM. Heal- can't even imagine that right now but I need to do more than just imagine. Some work on me is needed. 25yearsmlc- my L has asked me to touch base with H about the paperwork he should have received and ask what is next? Not sure I want to do that? Any input? Civil with this man? I keep thinking I need to keep the road home paved smooth. Now that I have filed- can I really do that? Won't he just see a big stop sign? I am tired of all of this.
Thanks AJM. Heal- can't even imagine that right now but I need to do more than just imagine. Some work on me is needed. 25yearsmlc- my L has asked me to touch base with H about the paperwork he should have received and ask what is next? Your L can do this^^^. Yes, he'll bill you for the time calling, but so what? Avoid contacting your h if you cannot handle it now. And you have nothing to be ashamed of and must hold your head high. Let your H feel the pain of his making, and not let him dump that on you.
Not sure I want to do that? Any input? Civil with this man? "Civil"? Angry? Hurt? L2 you won't fix or blow this with the "wrong" word or look on your face that day or that hour. KWIM?
You can keep the road home paved and smooth but even then, do you believe he'll do "the work" ?
Even if all you ask of him is to show up for his kids...you think he'll do that? So far, how's that been working? I'm asking honestly...do you believe he'll show up for them?
For now I'd be all about protecting the financial interests of the kids and you.
If that's civil or all business, so be it. Do what you have to do to protect them and yourself.
If and when your h wakes up AND TAKES SOME ACTION towards you...let's cross that bridge when we get to it.
For now take care of YOU and those children of yours...make sense?
I keep thinking I need to keep the road home paved smooth. Now that I have filed- can I really do that? Won't he just see a big stop sign? I am tired of all of this.
IDK what you mean about HIM seeing a stop sign...what do YOU see in HIS behavior?
Don't forget-YOU are the aggrieved party, not him.
And of course you are tired of all this. Life, hear me now...
you can stop being tired of it. You get that, right?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I too filed for a divorce i didn't want. It is very hard to make any kind of decisions under the stress we're on. Take your time and make sure to ask other for their OPINION. Then, YOU CAN MAKE the best decision FOR YOU. So many of us just get tired and want to get it over with.But not the smartess thing to do because this is to protect YOU AND YOUR FUTURE. Don't rush anything.
Now, your H will probably be very hurt and upset. Totally normal, but deep down, as time pass, he will realize that he gave you no choice. He will forgive you. He loved YOU for many years and a piece of paper will NOT change that. I'm sure you still feel glimpse of his love to you. Don't you? I did with my XH and still do to this day. Hang tight, WE ARE WITH YOU. This will not put an end to your journey. Trust me.
25yearsmlc- I just really doubt he feels any pain from this. Wouldn't it be some form of relief? Less guilt?
It is very hard for me to believe I can't blow this with the wrong word or look. I have believed for the longest time I could "fix" it if I said the right thing. I know thats not true but have to believe it.
No, I doubt he will come and see the kids anytime soon if ever. He doesn't care how much pain they are in right now. It doesn't trump how he feels.
The lawyer said to call H if we can be civil. I don't think so. I wanted to call today and ask -are you happy now-you got your papers? I didn't but still tempted to.
I don't feel like the agrieved party! I know I am but don't feel it. Like somewhere in there I am to blame. I am embarresed for him and myself and my family. He threw us all under the bus. I am a little surprised how warped my thinking seems to be. Like somehow this is my fault. Its hard to hand his choices to him. LIke I gave him no other choice because the my H the one I knew wouldn't do this! I must have had something to do with it. Venting again today.
