Thanks for dropping in and for the support. It means more than you know.
We had another amazing weekend as a family together. H spent both Friday and Saturday nights here at home. The kids thought he "fell asleep" here on Friday (he's been sick, so they figured he just felt too bad to go to his rent house), and they don't know he stayed last night (he was still here when they went to bed, but he left before they woke up). It truly is like old times when we we are all together. Obviously, we are having some intimate and emotional connection with all this time we are spending together, so it's a little harder to keep some level of detachment, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job. When he's here, great; when he's not, that is okay, too.
I had a little setback today, but I handled it well (I think). I was at the grocery store shopping for dinner and came face-to-face with his ex-OW. Wow. For those who don't know the back story, she is a very troubled woman. She has severe anger issues, takes anti-psychotic meds, has a serious drinking problem, is an emotionally (and often as she can be, physically) absent mother and in general is known for being a real witch. Additionally, she's not a very pretty person on the outside. Anyway, she has "bullied" me since their A became public knowledge (driving close behind me in the car or cutting in front of me, walking past me and saying horrible things to me or bumping into me, etc). Today was no exception. There she was, with her sunglasses on in the grocery store (she wears her sunglasses inside everywhere...why???) and with that permanent sneer on her face. I made eye contact with her and then just looked away. A store worker was showing me to the sun-dried tomatoes and asked that I follow him down a particular aisle. As I was turning my basket to follow him, she charged in front of me and then came to a dead stop, blocking me in an aisle. This is a woman from a respected family and good upbringing, in her mid-40s, college-educated...and this is how she acts! I just waited patiently until she was gone and then went about my business.
The old lc4 would have reacted by going off about it to H...what an evil witch she is, how I can't even have a peaceful trip to the grocery store because of her actions, etc. Instead, I chalked it up to her being a very sad, bitter, angry, unforgiving and unhappy woman. She has lost her very successful Dr. H (she pushed the D through, not him), who is now having a great time dating around and being an awesome dad to their kids. She has lost most of her friends, social life, beautiful home (he kept it!), as well as my H. I'd probably be bitter if I were in her shoes, too.
So, instead of getting all huffy and letting a run-in with her ruin my evening with my family, I came home, opened a bottle of my favorite wine and then enjoyed a glass while cooking for my 5 most favorite people in the world. I never even mentioned the run-in to H. It's not his fault that she acts the way she does, so what's the point in taking it out on him? When I do that, I'm just allowing her to further damage my relationship with H. She no longer has that power.
Hi Ic4, I'm a newcomer to the forum but can I ask a question?
Has your H done any R talk about his new behaviour (coming around more often, sleeping over)?
I ask because my sitch is similar. One and a half months post-bomb after 3 years of building resentment and distancing from H, eventually exploding into outright anger and separation.
But now, comes back home everyday to see the kids and we have great family times together. In fact we get along with each other much much better than in past 3 years.
But so far, no change in H's talk about R: still 'we are separated' and 'I need to be alone", even "let's get our finances separated" when I brought the topic up on the weekend.
I'm not sure I would have been able to keep my mouth shut if I ran into my H's ex-ow. (Well, I wouldn't have actually said anything to HER because ow is not worth my breath). BUT I would have said something to my H about the incident. Although, we are only on Day 3 of me knowing...
Anyway, you have such a calm mature perspective about ow.
How long did it take you to get to that point?
Oh, and I'm glad the evening with your family was so pleasant. Impressive considering what you had dealt with earlier...
You are doing so well.
BTW, what is with these batch!t crazy ow. Is there a website they all frequent?
It's taken me almost 2 1/2 years to get to where I am now, simply because I didn't stay the course in giving complete forgiveness to both OW and my H and I didn't properly DB. Trust me, I've gone through some pretty irrational, immature times with both of them. But again, I know all that does is further damage my own M and just makes the OW satisfied. She isn't worth mentioning, and the incident isn't worth mentioning. My H and I have come way too far in the past 2 weeks for her to go blowing it just because she apparently didn't take her happy pills yesterday and threw a little fit with her grocery cart.
For the past 3 years, I have lived the perfect example of what NOT to do when DB'ing. I'm trying to turn that around, before it's too late. You are equipped with all the right tools through the MWD books and this website to make better decisions than I did. I have great hope for you and for your marriage. Stay the course!
Hi, Wretched. Thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm sorry that your situation leads you here, but I assure you that you will find great advice and support on the boards. Our situations do have some similarities, so I hope I can offer you a little help as well as hope.
We have had very little R talk this time around (we've been doing this dance for 3 years now, and I've done all the WRONG things). In the past, when my H would show interest in reconciling and start coming back around, I always tried to fast forward things, and that backfired on me every time. This time, we have agreed to put the divorce proceedings on hold and seek joint counseling, but that is pretty much all the talking we have done on the matter. I have a goal date in mind that I would like him to move back home by, but I don't mention this to him at all. Just taking things day by day is working very well for us. He does tell me he loves me and that he misses me when he isn't here, so I take that as good signs.
Some suggested reads to you (in addition to MWD's remarkable books): "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" (this book jumpstarted my ability to emotionally detach. I can't recommend it enough) as well as "The 5 Love Languages" and "Choosing Forgiveness".
Baby steps are best at this point; when you feel him backing off, just give him some space and let him get his alone time. Take things day by day, keep your anger and sadness in check and enjoy the times that you spend together as a family.
Best wishes to you, and I'll be checking in on you! lc4
lc - I was thinking about you this afternoon and was wondering if you and your H ever went out on dates. I believe you said you have four children, so I starting thinking it was likely you weren't able to date alone very often.
Heck, we only have one child and we only went out on dates about 3-4 times a year if we were lucky, and I think that contributed to the ILYBNILWY speech my wife gave me last spring.
The funny thing is we've have more dating the past 2-3 months than we did all last year. We have been having a WONDERFUL time on them, which makes the divorce even more confusing. I think she still has some feelings but for some reason is working hard to try to suppress them.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Your advice about not trying to fast forward things is spot on. If I'm truthful, I can see that it does always lead to a backfire. So, just keep taking things day by day... and getting your feedback and support is something that helps me to keep on going.
(I find I'm crying now just as I type this, as you're actually the first person with whom I've had any interaction about my sitch - I'm still in denial that it can actually be happening and too afraid to tell anyone as it might make it 'real'.)
OK, all recovered. I will read the recommended texts - thanks again for sharing this info and being such a help.
I touched on this on your thread, but thought I'd answer here as well.
Yes, dating was always a priority in our marriage. We used to spend time each week either going out with friends or on dates for just the 2 of us. When H dropped the last divorce bomb at the end of April, I stopped scheduling sitters for date nights; I didn't want to pursue him when the last thing he wanted was to spend alone time with me.
I think it's awesome that you and your wife are dating. Keep it up. Remember...going dim doesn't mean that you cut her completely out of your life. Just take some time away from constant contact with her to work on YOU and let her miss you/wonder what you are doing a bit. But if she is still up for weekly dates and things go well, by all means...go out with your wife!
Need to journal a bit to get some frustrations out....
The last couple of days have been trying ones for me. Being separated has been good for my H and I to miss each other, but it's so frustrating how inconvenient it is to everyone (but him). I feel like I'm constantly rushing around to get the kids' things ready to go on his nights (and with four kids, all in school and in extra-curricular activities, that is a lot of stuff). This morning, I went at our regular time to pick up 2 of the kids to drive to school, and no one (including him) was ready to leave on time. I had to help pull school uniforms, backpacks, hair, etc together. He sent me a text after that said, "Sorry" followed by "You didn't even talk to me this morning. ." I responded, "I'm sorry; I was just busy trying to help get the kids out the door."
I just need an extra ounce of patience today. I get so frustrated thinking about how much money we are spending (that we don't have) on another house and all it's expenses. We are pretty much back to acting married except for the fact that we are separated overnight (and on the kids' nights here, he has been staying some). I think also running into ex-OW on Sunday (or rather nearly getting run over) plus another encounter I had today with a particularly nosy older woman in town (she very pointedly looked at my ring finger...the nerve) added to my frustrations. But again, I don't need to let other people and situations I can't control ruin how much progress we have made.
I'm not going to say a word of this to him...I just had to get it out.
." I responded, "I'm sorry; I was just busy trying to help get the kids out the door."