But, what if there is a thread of truth to his "reasons"? I have already apologized for them but HE keeps bringing them up. THat is what brings on my guilt. Just as I "did damage" to relationship with those things I am being accused of I feel like I then could FIX them with doing or saying something to counteract the damamge. Does that makes sense?
You are making this harder than it already is. At least you recognize that your thinking is messed up.
It's called a "grief induced thought disorder" and for that, you need meds and or therapy. I needed both when my dad died. I just wasn't thinking straight and in some ways you aren't now. Are you on ADs now? I say that as someone who was.
Whatever pain he feels is numbed by alcohol. I believe it exists but does that matter? Probably does matter to you at this point. If he won't bother seeing the kids, how can you blame yourself for any of THAT? You can't...if you still do, you have to confront that or put a stop sign in your head to stop those thought processes b/c they are Not accurate and Not helpful.
There will come a time when you realize that only your happiness is within your control and that HIS happiness or misery is irrelevant to your happiness (okay, I admit that HIS misery might make you feel a tad better at this stage of things. But there will be a time when he simply isn't relevant to your life's happiness.
You do know Your h isn't part of that happiness, the way he is now;
and you did what you had to do for your kids and you.
Keep this simple, Life.
B/C as hard as it is, as difficult as this is and as painful as it feels to you
it is not complicated. Your h left you and the children. If this were YOUR fault, he'd have taken the kids and only left you.
You did what you had to do. End of story.
Don't bother calling him b/c you will not get the reaction you hope for. NO matter what he says, you will get off the phone feeling worse.
Unless he says "OMG I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT...WHAT HAVE I DONE?? I NEED HELP!!"
and you know, he can say those things to you without you calling him to check on the papers.
Also, given your h's history there is no way he'll have a "plan of action" for your L to work with. Your h will only react. He doesn't take action if it's difficult. Have your L call.
If your h tries to blame you, so? Granted, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face though.
Let him tell himself whatever it is that makes him feel better, (beats having another drink, or does it? whatever.)
Sooo How are your GAL activities going?
Let's have some posts from you that focus on YOU and your new life. Let's not focus on your h for now, okay?
How are the kids? School has started. How are they liking it so far?
Thank you for the feedback. Everyone. Yes, I probably am making this more complicated. To the outsider it all seems very black and white.
Yes, I am on AD's. Maybe time to bump up mgs.?
Yes, I do like to know of his misery. I just really want to know that HE knows he made bad choices. That the grass wasn't greener and that he is the problem.Is that weird?
I have been consumed with this the last few weeks. Time to focuse on kids and work. My new normal.
Thank you for the feedback. Everyone. Yes, I probably am making this more complicated. To the outsider it all seems very black and white. Not saying your emotions are black and white. But his actions are clear.
Yes, I am on AD's. Maybe time to bump up mgs.? Not an MD. But if you feel you need more help, ask for it.
Yes, I do like to know of his misery. I just really want to know that HE knows he made bad choices. Must he "know and admit" it, for it to be true? What if he never "gets" it and lives in squalor or on the streets. Will you want him to declare he made a mistake? How will that help you? That the grass wasn't greener and that he is the problem.Is that weird?
Not weird. Totally normal at this stage. I get it. It's not weird but, it is a waste of your time and energy. When you see that, you will feel a lot freer.
I have been consumed with this the last few weeks. Time to focuse on kids and work. My new normal.
Yes...and the "consuming" part of this is what you can and must free yourself from. In time you will see that It's such a drag on YOUR happiness, and it's not good for the kids, or you.
It isn't self loving. You need to "take exquisite care of yourself" now.
And the kids. But I think you are getting there. Let us know how things are when he finally reacts to the papers, if he does. Did you tell the L to contact him rather than having you do it? I know the L was trying to save you money (i assume) but let him/her know the situation emotionally for you...
Good luck Life, and remember that even though you feel as bad as you feel
it does get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He did get the papers and I did contact him. He said it was "weird" to get the papers and wasn't what he wanted!?! Could've fooled me. Anyway, said he doesn't want to fight or argue. We shall see. THe agreement was sent to him today. I am pretty sure some of it wont' go over well. I don't even know what it is to love myself. I have been taking care of and loving others for the last many years. I have lived with manipulation and someone speaking condenscending to me and denying and telling my I had the problems for so long. It is like I have to reprogram myself. Not a quick fix I am sure of. I often think this OW will get all of this and more now. Lucky her. Not!
I often think this OW will get all of this and more now.
and that, my friend, is the most satisfying revenge in the world!! Trust me!
there is truth here. Although of course the truly best "revenge" is you living a life well lived...this helps too!
My aunt was deserted by her h for OW, decades ago while they lived in Europe.
She was devastated by so much deceit (but in truth she had often had a sick feeling about where he was or why he was so unreliable at times.)
So she arrived back in the US with 26$ in her pocket and 2 kids under the age of 4. She had no job and no place to live.
Her h married OW and raised OWs kids b/c OWs h had taken his own life after their divorce- and that made my uncle feel responsible for HER children, (but not his own).
My aunt made the difficult transition back into her career and having 2 kids so young. She bought a house after a few years and raised the kids They rarely saw their dad but when they diud, they had to fly overseas for weeks at a time, which was lousy b/c aunt had summers off...but the were their dad instead of home iwth her.... Her ex h's family was mortified at his behavior and thankfully they "showed up" when they could, from long distance.
Anyhow, 8 years passed and my aunt was doing pretty well. One night OW called my aunt...to ask if ex h was there with my aunt...cheating on OW!!
My aunt said later on, "OMG, he's still cheating!" And a huge weight lifted off her shoulders as she realized in a moment of clarity, that SHE was so much better off without him.
She had not had those familiar stomach aches and nervousness about her h and she didn't wonder where he was all the time...BUT OW DID...still.
Her ex h had not changed or improved for OW....
It must have taken everything in OW's box of nerves to call my aunt to ask where HER (OWs'0 h was "now"...
but my aunt felt relief. She really "got it" then.
She's remarried now btw, and much much happier than she ever would have been with her h. Just a fact.
She's a role model for me and changed my life b/c she is a happy contented generous woman.
She's a woman only a fool would leave. Her ex h was a fool. Once he told his mother (who loved my aunt) that
"if I'd known how painful this all would be, I wouldn't have done it."
what did he think would happen? Everyone goes away happy after a few days??
whatever. She IS better off and IF your h is this way for good, then so are you.
If the old h returns or who you thought he was, cross that bridge when you get to it. You are not alone.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 this sounds like a episode of two and half men that I was watching tonight.
Charlie's mother's second husband left her for a younger OW and then left that OW for another younger OW, then he died and all three women were at the funeral and Charlie was hitting on the youngest wife(now widow).
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc- Hi! Thanks. I am okay. Getting everyone into their routine now. Just started work. I think I will like it.
Now that I have filed, I am just waiting for him to respond to my L or get his own. Haven't heard a word. Something changed in me though. A good thing. I feel so much more detached. I feel like I have more clarity as to why this happened. And the "whys' are only important to me. No one else. Part of me prays he will turn around and come back a completely changed man. But, the other part of me knows I will be fine if not better without him now. I can't live like the way I was when he was here. He is a very unhealthy man. Not willing to get help. I did have a thought yesterday -how will I ever trust another man? How do I know they are not just looking for their next conquest? How do I believe they are really who they say they are?
