Life, that is one of the hardest question someone who has been wronged ever has to answer. Know what? There are plenty of good people out there. And you'll find one. But you know what? That won't happen unless and until you learn to be happy on your own. Seriously. Some people (men and women, I can tell you) think of others as a "conquest" to be had. That's their problem to deal with. But they are not the norm - just the talked about in part because they are different.
Can you protect yourself from somebody else doing what H did? Yes. How? Learn to stand on your own and be happy on your own. You'll then find that people will gravitate towards you in a way that you never before saw. Or at least haven't in years.
As for your guilt? There may be some truth in that but it is not enough reason for H to leave I'm sure. Your desire to be part of the marriage tells me that you loved him and you could have worked things out. You were willing at one point. Deal with the true issues and not the issues he reflects at you because many of those are distorted to make himself feel better. So that he has a story to tell others that will allow him to be accepted so to speak. Look at yourself and change the things you see that you do NOT like. We all go through that
One thing to keep in mind is the dynamic. H may have been part of the reason you reacted the way you did to certain situations. You don't live in a vacuum. H may have been leaving for a longer time than you give credit for. Identify those reactions vs. who you really are. Identify who you really are adjust those things you don't like about you and only you. That will keep you busy for a while I'm sure, but part of that is going to be tuning out the noise from H.
As for the lawyer - well, hang on. You'll be surprised at what you see. Lawyers have a way of instigating and amplifying the negative when it comes to divorce. Many do, but not all. Be careful of your own lawyer and don't let them play with your emotions. I personally went through several to find one that would not play with my emotions but rather stick to the business at hand and look out for me. Mostly so I wouldn't have to. It's what we pay them for. I found a few, but I found many others during interviews that wanted to play with emotions. Not fun, but worth asking around about people and listening to what they value and what they say about lawyers.
My situation? I almost lost my mind during much of the worst of it. That started years before I became aware I think. I look back and realize I really lost me during this. I barely knew me because I had adjusted in an attempt to keep her happy. That was a losing battle to say the least - not my place to do that. I know that now.
Let me ask you something. Would you really be happy if H is miserable? For more than a few minutes? I suspect not, but it's a good question to ask yourself because if you love somebody you don't really want to see them miserable right? The trick here is that you have to realize you cannot control that for him, but you can control your thoughts and emotions. With practice of course.
For me, I had to break things up into pieces (an elephant is best eaten in pieces right?). I had to get past the part where she left the kids, blamed me, and really poisoned so much about our past. I watched as she re-remembered our past in a distorted way. When she didn't quite like the story, I watched as she erased that and came up with a new one. It was maddening and stopping thinking about it really helped me. Getting away from her and the insanity and anger and venom really helped the most. It gave me time to gain perspective and realize her choices really had very little to do with me. That the accusations, while based in fact, were distorted to almost unrecognizable images. I realized along the way it wasn't me she was hurting any longer and it wasn't me she left. It was the image she devised that she left. It was more of her past than it was of me. I can't control that and you can't control H's decisions. Only he can and you can and should let him without interference.
Your job... what are you doing for work? Sounds like you are starting something new perhaps?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I love the new attitude. It won't be constant and you'll have flashbacks into old ways of thinking/feeling
but this is progress. Don't let backslides last too long.
Thing about your h is, however long he was not really into the m or whether it was all sudden,
if this were about YOU and YOU ONLY, he would not have left his children behind
or been crying and acting soo, off, for this long. A lot of this is simply HIM.
has to be really.
Sure, keep doing your own work on YOU and being the most inwardly content "life" you can be.
It IS attractive to others and you will not be alone for long once you are ready for moving on.
As for trust, as AJ said, that will come when you begin to meet more healthy men.
"Latest conquests"? I have 5 brothers and they grew out of that phase decades ago.
They want a partner they're attracted do, without a lot of drama. Good companionship, affection (they all seem to have that same Love Language--physical touch) interest in what they are doing and bringing something to the table.
They each married or remarried good women who seem to "get" them. None of my brothers have ever had an affair.
Notably, the laziest husband, of my 5 brothers, is also the one who offers the least in the R. Just noticed that...
Carry on Life, I'm glad you got some clarity.
How are your GAL things going? And the job?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25yearsmlc and AJM. Work is good. Meeting new people. It is strange though because when I do meet someone new I will sometimes think to myself- do they know me? my situation? Probably not but being honest. I still feel like its something I am embarresed about. Completely backwards but like they will wonder-whats wrong with her? Why did her H do that to her?
I had to call H this morn for money for groceries. I was polite but did tell him I will not continue to do this so if he doesn't keep money in there the L can file a support order to Make him pay. Okay he said. I asked if he was getting a lawyer. He said he has no choice. What I am asking for is unresonable. I said I didn't agree. I asked when he would see his kids and he hung up on me! Unbelievable.
As for the people that look at you, I was reminded of a study done for a psychology research project. Basically, the situation was for interviews. Prior to the interviews, the test administrators painted a red dot on the left cheek of the interviewers. They wanted to test to see if the interviewees would stare or otherwise treat the interviewer differently.
100% of the interviewers reported the interviewee stared at the red dot and that it made them a little indignant and uncomfortable.
Later, it was revealed that only 50% of the interviewers actually had a red dot painted on their cheek. The rest had been painted with plain water that left no mark.
Is it possible you have an invisible red dot painted on your cheek?
I struggled with this issue for a brief period of time but realize that others might struggle with it longer. I am not the type of person to really care what others think. I don't get embarassed easily either.
For me, I had to figure out what my part was in the collapse of the relationship. In my case, very little which left me wondering what I had done with my time.. I resolved that with the understanding that I did my best each and every day with the tools and the information I had available to me at that time. I never coasted or otherwise did less than my best. Still don't.
That said, I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of, and I also realized some people would wonder things regardless of my thoughts or actions. They do actually wonder. Let 'em. I continue to smile knowing I did my best and did not fail. My ex walked away and is angry. Let her. I have my own life to live.
You'll be surprised as people find out about your situation what they start to tell you about their own life. I think you'll find that you are not that uncommon in what you have experienced from him. Sadly.
Be well and think about it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
as horrible as div sounds it can't be any fun to have to call an absentee father about money for food....
and for him to hang up when you asked about the kids...
In some ways can you see that finalizing this will at least simplify your life?
He'll get some air and the dust will settle and then he'll be able to see where he is.
And so will you. But you won't have to "ASK" Him for money to feed your kids anymore. Geez...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
One of the other things you'll get is the ability to heal. There won't be that ambiguity. It matters...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
25yearsmlc and AJM- thanks. I look forward to everyones feedback. I think my friends are getting tired of the whole thing. I am too but it seems to be no light at the end of the tunne. Ever! Now, I found out he is late on several bills. Important ones. L said he has two days before she gets an order for support. This sounds as if it will turn into a big ordeal. Court appearances and all. I don't know if I can mentally do it! But, I have no choice-I need to provide for the kids. It is ridiculous and no fun to ask for money from him!! It as if we do not exist! There are still moments I am shocked at how mean he can and is being to us!!! I am enjoying my job. Good diversion and much needed money. 25-when you said he will be able to see where he is when the dust settles-where exactly do you think that is? Will some of this hit home once the drama is removed? Do you think he believes once D is final he will waltz back into kid's lives?? Aj- I liked the story about the research project. Made me think some.
he's far into the tunnel. It will be a long time before he comes out and I don't know how he'll face what he has done. He could still blame you for all I know. Or he could come sobbing home...he's an odder one than most. But also less responsible.
But i know you did what you had to do. I really believe that more each time you post. I cannot see where you had another choice but to protect the kids.
And in time you will be happy again. Filing is probably the fastest way to some sanity in your life but in the short run it may SEEM rougher...
but is it really harder? At least now you know there's an end in sight to all the unpredictability.
You have played a lousy hand, as well as you could.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am thinking the "extra oddness" comes from the alcoholism?! Or, a mental illness. I don't know. Don't really care to some extent. Thats where I am sure a lot of the money is going.
Also been thinking about the OW. A while back someone said H didn't choose her because she is the opposite of me. Well- she is the complete opposite! So, how does that work?? She is nothing he would have ever been attracted to his whole life. Her looks, her values, her education, etc. Can anyone give me insight on this. I think a little clarity on this would help then I could maybe shelve this thought away too.
