The rest is still unwritten

[NTX_Dad]

Vent away, that's what we are here for.

I am sorry you are feeling a little frustrated today.

It's funny you mentioned the rings. My W and I haven't worn ours since May and I haven't had anyone notice or even ask about it. My W says the same.

[ncl]

Thanks for the support and for listening. We live in a smallish town and our ongoing problems have been the talk of the town...so frustrating and silly. My best friend and I used to joke after bomb #1 that I was the Elin Woods of my town...hiding behind my sunglasses and everyone doing a "ring watch." I've continued to wear my rings most of the time. In my opinion, I'm still married and will wear them until I'm not. H, on the other hand, goes through phases of wearing his ring or not with his bomb drops. Right now, he is not wearing his. Whatever!

[NLW]

Hi Ic4,

Just checking in to say that I know exactly what you're going through. Although I must say, 4 kids is a monumental challenge for one parent to deal with (I only have 2).

How can these guys just walk away????

I assume your H does not contribute to the upkeep of the home - eg the cleaning, washing, gardening etc. Or have you found a way to get him to do this?

When I asked my H how I was supposed to do all the work associated with the household on my own (I also work full time), he suggested I just employ a cleaner and gardener.
No thought at all about the fact that we can no longer cover the mortgage repayments on our house, nor the kids school fees, or pay off the credit-card debts that he's run up trying to keep his business going. He assured me that his time was too valuable to spend working around the house.

And yes, like you, I feel sick about the amount of money that he's spending on the separation (rent, 2nd car, take-out food, booze, etc).

Sort of helps me to know that others are in such similar situations, but on the other hand, the degree of similarity is eerie - just got to assume that what these guys are going through is indeed some sort of mental illness, I suppose.

Learning from you, too, not to say these things to him any more, but just to let it out on this forum. And apologies for the repetition that occurs!

[ncl]

Journaling....

I've come to the point in our attempt at reconciling (it's always about 2-3 weeks in for me) when I start getting panicky. We've/I've been doing SO well, but the impatient planner in me wants to know NOW what is going to happen. H says his ultimate goal is for us to reconcile and live together as husband and wife again. I'd sure love to know his timeline for this. I admit, patience is NOT my virtue.
Any former (or wanna be) cheerleaders out there who can give me a pep talk or any heavyweights who can give me a 2x4 for staying the course?

[jbnati]

lc4, I have never aspired to be a cheerleader nor have I ever come close, outside of trying to be my W's cheerleader, but I can dish out a couple of pennies from time to time. So here goes.

Right now, IMO, I think you are at a one day at a time phase. The best thing is to take your time doing this, or you will end up in the same situation again or an even worse situation. 2-3 weeks isn't really that long in the scheme of things. Try not to worry too much about the time and money right now (I don't mean ignore, but don't get all wrapped up in it). If that what it takes to get to a place in your M better than what it's ever been, won't it be worth it? I don't think you can put a price tag on that kind of reward. At the very least, you'll have the peace of mind knowing that you "shot it all" trying to save your M.

I heard this once on the radio about 10 years ago - "Stuck behind that slow car on the road? Maybe God is trying to teach you patience." Maybe God is trying to teach YOU patience.

[ncl]

Your advice is always right on target and priceless, so thanks, JB! No doubt the Lord is teaching me patience through this ordeal; love that analogy you shared! Thank you, as always!

[redskinsgamegirl]

lc4 - I am relatively new to the boards, although not necessarily "new" to my situation at this point in the game. My H said he "wasn't sure he wanted to be married" back in early May of this year, then confessed to an affair with his high school girlfriend later in the summer. We are currently separated (you can read a little more about my sitch under newcomers "longtime lurker, firstime poster", although I've not posted a ton and haven't gotten too much feedback quite yet).

In any event, I've been following your situation for a while and have some specific questions for you regarding how you handled your H's OW (sounds like that is all over now, thankfully, but it was a mess, I gather, while it was happening!) My H broke contact with the OW (who is married with 4 kids, by the way!) but has been back in contact with her again for the past 3 weeks or so. I am obviously devastated by this turn of events and am not sure what, exactly, to do about it.

At this point, we are separated and I am staying in our house with our kids (ages 5 and 9). He is renting a month-to-month sublet temporarily while we "figure things out". But he's STILL SEEING THE OW!

So, my question to you is, how do I handle this? Two schools of thought that I can see...#1, I go dark except as it relates to the kids and force him to make his choice by removing myself from the situation and letting him "miss me", or #2, continue to see/talk to him, go to counseling (which we resumed yesterday only with my stipulation that we see a christian counselor, since we tried the traditional MC route and it didn't work), date him once every other week (his idea) and essentially keep him in my life as much as possible.

is this the right approach? Am I msking things too easy on him? There is a lot more detail I'm skipping over, but overall, that is the gist of things right now. I'm trying to be dignified, gracious, focus on my children and my own GAL activities (new job, yoga, bible study class, lots of friends, etc.) and keep a PMA around him as much as possible. But in doing so, am I simply allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too?

Just thought since you have been there, done that with an OW situation and seem to have emerged intact on the other side, you might be able to provide me some advice on the subject. I appreciate any thoughts you might have - thanks!!

[ncl]

RSG,

I'm so sorry for the troubles you are going through, but I'm glad you found this amazing online community to give you support and guidance. There are many here who can give much better advice than I can; in fact, it's best to learn what NOT to do by reading through my thread! I am happy to drop by your thread and give you my 2 cents!

[ncl]

I started a disagreement with H this morning over something pretty minor, yet it was something that had upset one of our children and started the day off bad, therefore upsetting me. Still, I know the disagreement that I started was about much more than the issue I brought up with him. It is about me being TIRED of this current living situation.

We have continued to get along well (he was at the house last night for dinner and stayed for awhile after the kids went to bed), but his complacency with status quo isn't sitting well with me. We act pretty much like we are happily married except for the fact that he maintains another home. I recently put up the boundary of no more ML until we are living together again. That may seem silly to some, but something needed to change. When we ML, I just get more and more emotionally RE-attached, and when he gets up to leave afterward, my heart breaks all over again. I've worked hard on DE-taching, and I don't want to see my effort be for nothing in the case that he decides he doesn't want to work toward reconciling anymore.

I'm really not sure how to proceed at this point. I know often times it is better to do nothing, but something needs to change to bring about the next step toward reconciling, if that is what we are going to continue to do.

The separation, at this point, is benefitting only one person in our family...and that is H. It seems to me that he wants to continue being separated to prove some kind of point to me, his parents, his friends, his co-workers. It seems like he feels almost embarrassed to return home, like he has to give the separation X # of months for it to be "valid."

I'm really not sure what my next step needs to be, but status quo is no longer okay.

Advice?

[jbnati]

lc4, it sounds to me like you are weary of being in limbo or weary of the logistics surrounding the situation. Are you really ready for your H to move back home right now? If the logistics are flat dab wearing you out, is there a better way to do things? If you are tired of being in limbo, IMO you need to give it more time. If there's too much too soon, you will likely find yourself back in this situation or worse down the road.

I'm glad to hear y'all are getting along well.

I recently put up the boundary of no more ML until we are living together again.

I think this is a perfectly reasonable boundary. IOW, does he want to be M'd or doesn't he? I think it's important that you set this boundary based on how it's hampering your detaching efforts rather than as a tactic to get him to commit one way or the other and break the limbo.

I think the next steps are enforcing those boundaries, improving the logistics, and detaching. Unfortunately, IMO to be successful in saving the M and yourself is going to require some more limbo and will require some more time. Your H needs to take his journey and he needs to miss you.

That's my rambling for today.