Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[Young at Heart]

YAH,

try Jojoba oil, which is actually a type of wax but is great for sensitive skin. Also regular KY with nothing "extra" added. Or baby oil if you can handle the potential mess-it's rarely an irritant.

A lot of those "for HER enjoyment" lubricants have an irritant in them that is supposed to increase blood flow there, but dang, they burn...

Thanks one of the three that I got was KY-plain old fashioned. Another was KY-silke. Both seemed to get the "thumbs up" from the W.

As to SSMguy, one of the things for my wife was her anger at me. Because of many similarities, I wonder what his W is angry at him about.

My experience is that usually, both partners in a marriage own some share of the problem. That is one partner may be the major cause, but the other will have done some things to enable, or prolong the problem or keep it from being fixed.

I suspect that their may have been things that SSMguy has done that his wife is upset about and that he should ask his wife for forgiveness about.

[ssmguy]

Young at Heart, a lot of what you say is also very familiar to me. You have given me some things to think about and try.

[ssmguy]

I suspect that their may have been things that SSMguy has done that his wife is upset about and that he should ask his wife for forgiveness about.

Yes, there are things she's been angry about, but not a major thing like an affair or anything. She's a lot more mellow now that I don't ask for sex. But when I was pestering her in the past, she would counter with a never-ending list of complaints, some of which were clearly fabricated excuses. But others seemed legit. But sufficient to shut off one's spouse??! Like the 3rd time in a row I forgot to put the dishes away in the dishwasher? OK, I guess that can seem like I didn't care! Or the one time I was late meeting her in a restaurant? She remembers that even years later. Yeah, like Dr. Phil says, women have a looooooooooooooong memory!

[25yearsmlc]

learn to apologize for wrongs you commit, own them (that means you don't keep repeating them) so there's nothing for her to keep hanging onto

if she does-then help her learn to forgive. If you have sincerely apologized for an "injury" to her

put a Statute of Limitations on how long she can bring it up...

FWIW, it's a rare event that my h would want to ML after a big drawn out hurtful fight.

Unless that were the case,

I don't understand women who use withholding sex as a negotiating tactic or form of punishment for something out of the past.

(unless it's in a good fun way).

I say Call her on that.

Stop tolerating it. It's weird.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I don't understand women who use withholding sex as a negotiating tactic or form of punishment for something out of the past.

Neither do I, but for some women it becomes a way of being. There is no repair or reprieve.

For example, one of my sins that has *caused* a lack of trust is the answer to the following question: "Can and will you be truthful in all situations?"

I answered "No." That was entirely truthful because I know there are times and circumstances where the truth is brutally honest and can be very hurtful under the circumstances. I've explained that answer and she hears something else. But for her that extends to everything and its just another reason to not be intimate, sexually or otherwise.

It would be one thing if that question pre-dated her withholding of sexual intimacy. That question came two years after she chose not to be sexually involved with me. That was 14 years ago (and the question was asked 12 years ago).

For me, its just "easier" for me to see it as the result of menopause.

An interesting outgrowth of my personal GAL and dropping 60 pounds is the following question: "Who have you met?"

My answer was "No one. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say I've met myself once again."

The Captain

[ssmguy]

For example, one of my sins that has *caused* a lack of trust is the answer to the following question: "Can and will you be truthful in all situations?"

I answered "No."

Yeah, that's a no-win sitation. Because if you answer yes to that, then you're sunk when she later asks you, "Do these pants make my butt look big?"

[ssmguy]

I don't understand women who use withholding sex as a negotiating tactic

For some women who don't like sex in the first place, I guess it's a two-for-one deal. They avoid the sex they don't want, and then they get something else for avoiding it.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't understand women who use withholding sex as a negotiating tactic

For some women who don't like sex in the first place, I guess it's a two-for-one deal. They avoid the sex they don't want, and then they get something else for avoiding it.

Not liking sex at all, makes no sense. It's like not wanting to taste your food.

I am not saying that there aren't men/women with sexual problems and issues but that is it, it's a problem for them. Or their spouse. Not a healthy or normal thing.

Ssm, since you make the unusual claim that ALL ELSE is great in the marriage ,

yet you seem to agree that she must be angry at you b/c why else would she deny you even cuddling and ANY form of intimacy?....

the questions remaining are-

is this acceptable? What do you want?

[25yearsmlc]

I am not saying it's abnormal to dislike lousy sex or sex that reminds you of a horrible experience.

I'm saying to not like sex AT ALL, in any form, ever, and to never have had or wanted to have a climax, is truly like saying it's okay not to taste your food. Just eat to live...

and miss out on sweet, salty, bitter and sour...ANYONE else would go see a doctor!

Denying your partner sex, isn't just denying them a "release" or moment of pleasure....

Making love has many dimensions.

They (and you) miss out on comforting your spouse in times of mourning,

or comfort and reassure when there is fear of the biopsy results,

or joyous celebratory sex when you child gets married or graduates...or you GET THAT DREAM JOB...it's for all the

warm or frightening but touching MOMENTS in life

that you want to share...FULLY...with your mate. Fully connect, fully share.

If you were okay with no sex, I'd say nothing. But you are not okay with it. And it's not just sex you are doing without, but all forms of physical touch. How sterile.


You're both missing out on so much. That's really odd. That's not just about sex. That's a tragic problem of zero touching. Humans need touch to live....literally.

Do you recall that royal experiment with language, where the infants who were not touched or spoken to when fed, were compared to those who were?

ALL of the infants who were not touched or spoken to, died....

There are enough tragedies in the world. Don't add this one to them.

Figure out why your w wants no physical contact with you and work on the r.

I don't believe for a minute that all else is fine in the marriage.

This is HER WAY of punishing you or withholding from you,

or maintaining some sort of control or possibly even punishing herself.

Not wanting you to touch her breasts or her womanly parts is

pretty odd for someone having sex.
What was allowed, eye contact? HOW'd you have kids?

Were the births hard on her? Did she tear? That IS a real issue for many women. MANY...but they get it fixed! There are treatments and procedures and There are cortisone shots too, (NOT a picnic, but hey, whatever works)

Get to the real core issue.

To me this is simple actually.

First, It's NOT about whether she likes sex, but about whether she loves you.

IF she truly loves you and isn't harboring some wacky anger or other "issues", then she would naturally want to please you EVEN IF she has zero libido.

It's like you saying you hate spicy food so you don't ever want it, but if she loves it and NEEDS it, you'd make some at least once a week...right?


I suspect this is not merely a low libido problem. It's much more than that.

If it were only low libido, you'd have SOME sex. Maybe not a lot, and maybe it wouldn't be great sex, but it would exist. You've had zero intercourse for 15 years..

I and about every woman I know, have said yes to ML, when we didn't feel like it. B/C We love our h's. We know they have needs that only we can fill, b/c making love is not just about orgasm...

and that intimacy is an essential part of marriage. Sometimes it's not about our hourly libido.

Love is a verb, not just a noun. It requires action.

So there's more to this than simply a sexual preference or low libido.

Dig much deeper.


Good luck

[Young at Heart]

ssmguy,

I think that 25yearsmlc has given you some really great advice. I would echo what she is saying....own your mistakes and apologize for them and dig deeper into your W's anger, as she probably has good reasons (in her mind) to be angry with you.

I was amazed at the deeply held anger for things done 25 years ago that my wife held up until she had to confront their destructive impact on our relationship, so was she.

Good luck to you and your W.