In almost all instances the MLCer/WAS affair down. Most often the op is more damaged than the MLCer. MLCer's want to play the hero and rescue the op. Also, more often than not, the op is the exact opposite of the LBS.
I didn't even want to go there b/c I guess, I don't see the point.
You have to stop looking at the shore behind you if you are going to make it to the other side...otherwise
you tread water, and
sometimes go under a bit....
make sense?
I mean, does OW really matter? If so, why? Can you articulate why she matters?
What if your doctor said "Oh I did a brain scan of your h. He has a defect. He will behave this way for 12 years..."
Or "He has a normal brain. He is making bad choices. He will be this way until his brain is hit or smashed but that has a downside..."
OR
"he's an alcoholic with some severe emotional problems (my guess) and is acting out on them now. Might do so for the rest of his life..." What then, Life?
You'd say "gotta protect myself/kids..." and you'd be right.
So...?? You THINK understanding OW will do what for you?
Understand your h?
It won't.
And she's not the problem AND she's not that understandable. If she's just like you, or the opposite, it changes nothing...
See my point? The real question is- How do you want to spend your precious LIMITED time on earth,
and all of your energy?
Trying to understand a man who has made decisions no one else understands?
Which may NEVER be comprehensible...( I say that from personal experience)
OR GAL and moving forward?
He'll know where you are and how to reach you and the kids....he always has...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc- I don't want to spend anymore time trying to understand. I do the "stop" signs,etc. But, 20 years together it's hard to just put away in my mind. I do feel like this D needs to become final before I can really move on. BUt, even then I will still be reliant on his money. And, it is a lot of money. Maybe trying to understand OW and H will just give me a reason-an answer. I honestly don't know. I guess I honestly want an answer to why and like you said I am NOT going to get one. He's going to drag this out and now I have to have L serve him a support order which will now take us both to court. I know I repeat myself. I just feel a huge load of responsibility for my kids and their mental as well as my own. I really do believe he thinks I am the complete reason for his unhappiness. This I know is a LIE. He is sick. But, interesting how he can still do his job and go home every night to his OW and child. Okay - venting now. Weekends are hard.
25yearsmlc- I don't want to spend anymore time trying to understand. I do the "stop" signs,etc. But, 20 years together it's hard to just put away in my mind. of course it is. And I ache for you & the children. IF I could, I'd send you a hug, and him a slap in the face through my computer. God knows, I've tried. Apparently it only goes so far... I do feel like this D needs to become final before I can really move on.
I get that. How long will it take if it goes as fast as possible? (Not asking for that, but a ballpark figure).
BUt, even then I will still be reliant on his money. And, it is a lot of money.
Try to see it as a debt owed, which I swear it is. And the courts will get it to you. And as for it being "a lot", I say "well thank GOD!"
Maybe trying to understand OW and H will just give me a reason-an answer. I honestly don't know. I guess I honestly want an answer to why and like you said I am NOT going to get one. You won't get one that makes sense or is true. So, do you want to spend time waiting for a 1) crazy answer that isn't true, or 2) a self serving lie?
B/C in your sitch, since he can't even act consistently, HE doesn't know any "reason" for his behavior. Why? B/C Life, his behavior is UNreasonable...by definition therefore, it lacks reason....
He's going to drag this out and now I have to have L serve him a support order which will now take us both to court.
We don't "know" that he'll drag it out. I assume you mean he'll argue to pay less? Shows how much "reason" he put into these choices...
But I always assumed a support order would have to be issued. What were you thinking? I mean, did you think he'd reliably pay up over time? OW's has needs you know...and he is about to notice how they conflict with yours and your kids...oh well....
I know I repeat myself. I just feel a huge load of responsibility for my kids and their mental as well as my own. I get that. There are times you can probably benefit by re-reading posts you found helpful.
But we all spent a lot of time spinning our wheels until we finally get some traction. You will get there.
I really do believe he thinks I am the complete reason for his unhappiness. This I know is a LIE. He is sick. But, interesting how he can still do his job and go home every night to his OW and child. Okay - venting now. Weekends are hard.
Thankfully, you know it's a lie. In time, he will too. How? Oh, when he's not so happy even though his big problem (ie you) isn't around...or OW reveals a flaw...or an event takes place and he's not there for it...
The bitter phase where it's all your fault for "screwing him in court" may last. IDK. Maybe all his future problems are also going to be your fault...how tiring will that be to hear for ow? (Don't assume he won't turn on HER though...he's a blamer).
Maybe he'll even think you "turned the kids against" him...
but he does know, at some level, that He left you and he left his children. He lied, a lot. And he didn't come back...
If he's so out of it that he cannot accept those^^^ few basic truths,
you must learn not to allow that into your soul. He's too far gone. Let OW have that...
remember my uncle and aunt...SHE IS truly much much MUCH happier in her life today and has been the past 3 decades, than she would have been if she'd stayed m to my uncle.
For all you know,
your h has saved you decades of future heartache...or worse-
a DUI crash with the kids in the car...
Not making light of it - I mean every word.
The FACTS are all you have and they are enough to know you did what you had to do.
Like I said, you got dealt a bad hand, but you played it as well as you could.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Trying to understand the OW, H etc, seems pretty normal. What you'll learn over time is that while you enjoy a good puzzle, some things you cannot understand. You don't have the information or mind set to understand those things. But trying after a 20yr relationship is pretty normal.
Mine did the same things. Found somebody broken (he may not have been as broken, but she was willing to help in that regard as well )and tried to fix him. I remember commenting on how interesting and fascinating it was. During the process of her leaving I said that many times becuase while it was painful, it was not lost on me how interesting it really was to see her leave and then try to justify. Where truth wouldn't support it, she made things up. Where the OP wasn't quite broken enough, she made that happen as well. When I wouldn't play along in the part she cast me in, she changed tactics. She lied and pushed and shoved and... Anyway, it seems normal and I kept asking "why" for a long time. In the end, I realized it makes no difference. I ask "why" sometimes anyway, but the answer is always the same... it just is and "why" is irrelevant.
I am relevant. My feelings are relevant. My perspective and my ability to forgive as I have been forgiven, time and again is what is relevant. Forgiving is not the same as not having boundaries. It is not the weak stance, in case you wondered. It is far harder to forgive over and over and over again vs. becoming angry and looking for vengence and justice. It is hard, but you need to work on that way more than understanding "why". You will spend your time much more wisely on forgiveness and yourself than on figuring out "why" IMHO.
I tried. I heard others say it. I tried anyway. I know now they were right. I knew then they might be wrong, but I was the one who was wrong.
Spend the time wisely. Live like you mean it. Live without fear and you'll do very well. Fear is not needed in this case.
You are a wonderful person even if you cannot see how things will unfold. Stop worrying about tomorrow and let go. Focus on you and on letting actions speak.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
25 and AJM-thank you for the input. There is something comforting about this forum. Your kindness shows through your words and the time it takes to write. Thank you. It could be final if he doesn't fight it in 21 days. Although he told me I have left him no choice as I am being "unresonable" so he says he will have to get a lawyer. Still waiting for that to happen. You are both right he makes no sense. He says it sometimes himself. So, why try to figure it out. I am working on it. He has lied so , so much! MOre than I can even comprehend. I remembered today though while we in the thick of his coming and goings trying to decide what to do he told me "just give me some time- I didn't get like this overnight" THese are statements that haunt me. By support order, I meant a temporary one. Inter mortum?Sp? I don't know all these terms. Basically a temp one until things are settled so I can keep food on the table. I thought he would at least do that for his kids. Oh I am sure OW has needs. Makes me sick to think my money could be going toward that. I want to move. Get out of this house. THe memories bother me and I want a place to call my own with my kids. I am sure he will always be bitter as he is a blamer. So immature. Always knew that. Yuck. But, there will probably always be a little part of me that invisions the day he wants to come back. Isn't that weird? I already can see where and how it will happen. Hmmmm... I have to live in the present! Like my kids. They are the best example of that!!
When I retained my own L after H filed, he also said I was being unreasonable. He went as far as to break it down financially in an email to me. He said I would be getting half of his paycheck.
I wondered what he expected? I didn't try to screw him over, it was what my L said would be my share in C/S and Spousal Main. dictated by the state, not by me.
When I saw the amount, I said to my L, H is really going to be angry. He said, let him, it is what it is.
My H is a blamer since MLC hit. Nothing is his fault. I'm sure he will be bitter until the last payment is made...
I am sure he will always be bitter as he is a blamer. So immature. Always knew that. Yuck.
You cannot see the future, Life. You have to look at what is and not was or could be at this point. Mine did the same. She was angry when she saw the responses. I delayed much of it, not because I wanted her back (I did, but that's not how that works I know) but because it was necessary to wear her down. I didn't like it then, and I don't like it. But it is what it is. I deserved much more than I got after she left. In the end she took my 401k, some money, half the household goods and her car. She tried to take my self esteem and for a while that was up for grabs. I kept the house and half the house-hold goods. Know what she told me once? She told me she has no money so she needed mine. She made an ass out of herself to the point that the financial people and even her own lawyer don't like her. She made it easy for them to do right for me. That took time. I did not ask for this, just as you did not ask for it. If he has to pay his share, that's his problem to deal with. His consequence and you should NOT feel a a bit of guilt about it. You'll regret not following your lawyers advice later. I was told the same and wanted to just walk away from the house etc. A friend told me to take it for now and I could give it back later or donate it. She was right. I'm glad I stayed in the house, as hard as that has been. It's still a drain, but it's only financial and it's no worse then when she was here. In fact, it's a little easier because it's just me spending now
Keep the house if you can. Cherish the past memories when you are able and keep your head up high. He made his decisions out of emotion. Make yours rationally and let your lawyer do the work. Let him react as he sees fit. His words are worthless as it is and he will try to hurt you either this way or some other. Expect that. Expect that his words will be like those of a 4 year old - he'll say things to hurt you but they won't carry much weight once you examine them.
Consequences for his actions. He has to face them. Just like we all do..
Be at peace with your decisions.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think they blame because they are not willing to take responsibility for their own actions, and the consequences of those actions. Although they may deny it if challenged, they feel like victims of external circumstances and not in charge of their own lives. The buck stops with us, and they want to play pass the parcel.
If you have a partner and children your primary responsibility, if nothing else, financially is to them. This is not a matter of opinion or 'unfair' laws.
To try and make us feel bad about this simple and objective reality is actually grotesque. even if they believe they no longer love us they have no right at all to deny their financial responsibility.
Thank you everyone. I realize I need to be at peace with the decision. It is just not what I planned for myself or family of course-just as most of us here. Well he has 18 days to respond to petition. If not he defaults on everything. L and I both think this is what he will do. He has never had a plan-just like 25 said-just keep doing what hes doing till it doesn't work for HIIM anymore. Well, I put my foot down on that now that I filed. It will be comforting to know I have that money coming in every month without asking.
)and tried to fix him. I remember commenting on how interesting and fascinating it was. During the process of her leaving I said that many times becuase while it was painful, it was not lost on me how interesting it really was to see her leave and then try to justify. Where truth wouldn't support it, she made things up. Where the OP wasn't quite broken enough, she made that happen as well. When I wouldn't play along in the part she cast me in, she changed tactics. She lied and pushed and shoved and...