Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

25, I am getting control of the depression. I have only been on the meds for 2 weeks, and they are definately helping but I still went through a 2 day phase over the weekend where I pretty much couldn't get out of bed. The doctor will not increase my dose for another 3 weeks. I am hanging in there.

I am upbeat around him as much as possible. I made him a dinner just for him last night and delivererd it with a smile. And I called him and left a voicemaile that was just a joke that I knew he would like.

He thinks I am selfish for not agreeing to help with D. And he thinks that because I actually appologized for being selfish in that regard before I realized that I only want what is best for EVERYONE, including him. And there are selfish motives too, I want to be happy too. Anyway, I realize now that it isn't entirely selfish to not jump on the D bandwagon, and give him what he thinks he wants. As you said, I am not standing in his way and I promised to try to be friendly through the process if that is what he wants.

It is my goal for this week to make every single interaction between us be positive.

I talked to Laurie again yesterday afternoon. We discussed how I should approach MC. H has brought up MC three times in the last week. I think he wants to go to MC just to try to convince me that there is no hope. He is setting up the appointment and I will be ready for the worst, expect nothing, and hope for the best. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to soften him up before we get to MC.

[soccerwife]

It took a whole month but I think I have finaly moved from acceptance of the situation to acceptance of proactive actions. I know I will still make mistakes from time to time, and I will undoubtedly have relapses of negative feelings. But from now on I am attempting nothing but unconditional love, persistance, and patience. The best me I can be. It is in God's hands from there.

H has been ill-manored the last few days. He is finding my upbeat demeanor annoying, but he is just going to have to get over it.

As I mentioned before, and as is indicated by my screen name, H is a soccer coach. I asked him how his first game of the season went last night and he tried not to answer me and then sarcastically mumbled under his breath, "ya, your interested NOW", indicating that I have not been interested in years past.

(That actually isn't completely true. The first year he coached I was interested, the second I was not because I just started a new job, the third I was interested again because he made a point to tell me that he felt neglected, and this year is the fourth year. He has a way of distorting reality and that makes things very difficult.)

Anyway, the fact that he acknowledges a change in me is a positive sign. I will just have to keep it going. And not just to save the M, but because it is the right hting to do. I love him and I want him to be happy so I should take an interest in what is important to him. I am going to try to get his game schedule and take our kids to a game for a surprise visit. That is a complete 180 of what he would expect from me and I think it will show how much I really care.

[soccerwife]

Can't sleep. H followed me upstairs tonight and complained that I won't talk to him about what he wants to talk about. So I went back down to the couch and told him that I am sorry he feels that way and that I am willing to talk, but if there is something he wants to talk about, then he needs to start that conversation, I can't do it for him.

He was VERY angry that I am taking the stance I am taking. For the first time EVER, I was the one talking him down from anger. I kept my cool and didn't allow him to suck me into anything. I held my ground and I think we left the conversation a little closer than we entered it. I was actually able to end the conversation on a good note (I am very appreciative that he has been willing to go to MC a few times and I think that he has been wonderful to have put effort into something that he doesn't currently want).

We will see what kind of mood he is in tomorrow. I am actually still in a pretty good mood and pleased with how I handled the conversation. I am in a good place right now with my decisions and feel like I am being honest with myself and the situation (regardless of how H feels about either).

I really need to reward myself for this one!

[soccerwife]

Well, H came home in a grumpy mood, surprise, surprise! He has had a bad cold for over a week now (probably mostly due to his state of mind and lack of sleep). So, he is just complaining that no one cares about him. I tried to be nice and offer him tea with honey and he told me to leave him alone.

Looks like I am going back to the non-pursuit mode.

My being kind to him is annoying him. My AAI is annoying him. My avoidance is annoying him. There is literally nothing that doesn't annoy him. So, I will just do the right thing... whatever that is in this case. I think once he gets over his cold, he will be more civil.

[25yearsmlc]

sometimes nothing we do or say will make much difference.

At DB land it's often about what NOT to do.

He's being a jerk and it's tough to get thru that.

But you were great to thank him for going to mc.

I don't get the anger he as about your stance. What difference does it make?

you're in the USA so if he is so hell bent on the divorce, he can get one.

Does he actually want you to file? Why?

Sorry if I asked this before but it's nutty to me. And imo, it's healthy for you to expect decency and courtesy from him. Don't confuse DBing with doormat.

NOT saying you are, but be careful how you tread. He may test you and if you can CALMLY without anger

set and enforce the boundary, do so. That may mean leaving the room or house if he's rude, ending the conversation if he's nasty, etc.

Just don't tolerate it.

And what's wrong with saying (CALMLY---I cannot over stress the importance of not raising your voice)

that you don't want to be treated or talked to that way?

I'm just asking.

Definitely Reward yourself for stepping up to the plate and confusing him!

[soccerwife]

25, I am totally past being angry about him being a jerk because I realize that his emotions are completely irrational and unwarranted. And here's why...

He wants me to mutually agree to D because:

1. he doesn't want to look like the bad guy to the kids, family, and friends, (too late for that because everyone already knows what is going on)

2. he wants to do it in mediation to save money so that he doesn't have to give up his "toys" (this will happen even in mediation because he is in denial about how much D is going to cost us both).

3. he has always relied on me to make the major decisions and this is just one more instance (well, it is time he puts on the BBP).

The irony in all of this is obviously that he has already failed in ALL of the reasons that he wants D. So, how the hell can he possibly think that it will make him happy? IDK and IDC anymore. I am just going to keep doing the right thing and I am certain he will come back around eventually. It may take a year, but it will happen. It is now plainly apparent that he won't file for D anytime soon.

And speaking of doing the right thing... my family is so concerned that I am being a doormat. From their perspective, putting our problems aside for now and not pursuing him is the wrong thing to do. They just don't get DBing. But none of them see the personal growth I have gone through in the last few months (mostly because they never saw the flaws in me that H and I knew to be true).

I have thanked him for going to MC. He keeps trying to use his willingness to do what I want him to do against me. For instance, he just called and made a MC appt yesterday and he claims it is because it is what I want. Even though I told him I don't want him there unless it is what he wants to do.

I am tempted to do a 180 and refuse to go to MC just to prove that he made this decision on his own and he can't use it against me. Further, I just don't believe there is enough Good Will coming from him to make MC beneficial at this time. I don't think it could do more harm because I have chosen a pro-M-MC but you never know how he will react. I have to do more thinking on this to decide if a 180 here would be the right thing or if it is manipulative and wrong.

I plan to call the MC on Monday and make sure he is aware of MY goals and what I anticipate H's goals to be so that he is prepared for it. I also have a great POA, agenda, thanks to DB coach Laurie, for the MC session. I am going to be a good listener, have no emotional breakdowns, have good communicative posture, and be on H's side. I will let the MC know all of this before I get there as well, so he knows what I am up to (NOT manipulating, but working on my fixings and trying to make us closer). If, for some reason, the MC isn't open to this, then maybe a 180, refusing to go, is the best option?

I have been setting boundaries about how he treats me and so far, it has worked. I do not tolerate him interrupting me when we are having a conversation. And I force him to allow me time to contemplate responses to his statements. I have been known to lose my temper and I think the best way to control it is to be allowed time for thought. I have walked out of the room on several occasions lately when he starts baiting me.

I have also told him that I won't allow him to treat or talk to me disrespectfully. He claims that he has lost patience and ability to talk calmly because he has been so miserable for so long and "tried so many things" but "I am just digging my heals in deeper" that he can't keep his negative feelings in any longer. So, just more irrational thought from him. whatever, that is his fixing and I can't do that for him.

His newest statement that he keeps repeating is, "you just can't be what I need you to be right now". He was sulking last night that "No one cares about him, his feelings, his opinion, and that he just doesn't matter." HAHAHA. When was the last time he was what I needed him to be?

I did ALL of this completely w/o him. It took my brother in law, a MC, a DB coach, a life coach, a medical doctor (w/ rx drugs), my grandmother, my dad, 5 good friends, the entire DB community, a dozen or so books, about $1,000 so far, and God proving that I had it actually inside myself to do this. All of that is what I USED to get from H.

When this is all over and he eventually realizes what I went through, I am going to make sure he understands that so it NEVER happens again. At this moment, I don't have a doubt in my mind that he is going to be able to hold out forever. He will be there for me again, he will want to ML again (and probably not too far in the future), and our new M will be rebuilt. For the first time ever, I can say that with so much confidence that I can actually put it in writing.

[soccerwife]

I called the MC today and told him about my goals for the next session. I warned him that H is only attending to try to soften my stance on D up a little.

MC agreed that the focus of the next session will be to listen to H's POV and then give him information that allows him to at least contemplate the possibility that he will be happier with me than w/o me.

We actually spent an hour together last night watching TV and he didn't try to bait me. We had some nice conversation. So, I am pretty confident that I can actually soften him even further by thursday's appt.

Also, our 15th anniversary (not wedding anniversaty, but together anniversay) is coming up in a couple weeks. I don't expect him to be thinking about that anytime soon so I went ahead and got us a REALLY great gift.

I am going to replace our shed with a two-car garage where he can park his "toys". And that will free up our one-car existing garage for my car for the winter. He is going to love it! This is probably the one gift that I could actually afford for him that could change our entire relationship. (I can't afford the Audi or the second motorcycle he would like to buy or tix to Spain for the next Real Madrid Game.)

I know what you all will think, a huge gift is pursuit. I don't think it is in this case because he has said that he doesn't want to move out even after D (I know he is crazy). This is a gift truely from the heart and it is something he has been talking about for a long time but has never found the money for. Plus I would really love to not have to scrape my windows or shovel snow off of my car roof this year.

[soccerwife]

H is being a complete a__hole tonight. He gave me the silent treatment, refusing to acknowledge me all evening. Then he kicked me out of the living room so he could sleep on the couch (I was in the middle of Rocky III). I was as pleasant as ever. Then he went in to "how his feelings don't matter" and "I do whatever I want anyway" and "no one cares how he feels". He went as far to claim that I "don't give a crap about anyone but myself".

I can feel my anxiety flaring up.

Is anyone else out there dealing with unwarranted anger from their WAS?

I have never done a single hurtful or malicious thing to him EVER. Ya, a lot of the problems we have are due to behaviors of mine, but nothing was ever on purpose. The only thing he can possibly be angry about is me being unwilling to compromise my character and mutually agree to D. WTF does he think he is?

[25yearsmlc]

way to hold back and not fuel his negatives...

but he sure is annoying & making it so tough!

Stay strong, don't be a doormat, but don't "lose it" either...

good luck

[aeolianchaos]

Then he went in to "how his feelings don't matter" and "I do whatever I want anyway" and "no one cares how he feels". He went as far to claim that I "don't give a crap about anyone but myself".

Sounds like he's trying to get you to 'dance' and you're not letting it happen. Good for you. Most systemically meaningful changes in relationships require someone to take the first step (or non-step) and you are doing it.

You're standing up to your anxiety when you choose not to respond to his incitements. That's really big.