It is a little early to start a new thread, but after the text that I received from W today, I thought it would be a good time. My previous thread is here:
I was at work today and received a text from W. I had to go to the restroom because it brought me to tears. I really don't know what to make of it. I have not responded yet because I wanted to get some feedback. However, I don't want to wait too long because I don't want her to think that I am ignoring her.
Please keep in mind that I am only 30 days from a D and my ultimate goal is to still save my marriage. I asked her for a delay a few weeks back, but she said I wasn't entitled to ask for one.
The text that she sent me was right out of the blue. I have been completely dark on her especially in the last 1-2 weeks. Please tell me how I should handle this:
H, Regardless of the reasons why I left, I am sorry for hurting you. To be honest, I never thought that you would even care. I am sorry it ended. I'm sorry my love died and I miss what we had 15 years ago. With that being said, we are not healthy for each other. I do care about you and think about our demise everyday. I heard a quote the other day: "nothing good ever ends well." I guess that is true....someday, I hope to be good friends. Take care, W.
My God. What do I do about this?
It's the first time that I've received anything like this out of her.
Is she peeking out?
She obviously still wants a D.
She made the friends comment. That is after saying that she does and then she doesn't want to be friends.
I just wish that she would talk to me.
She keeps saying that we are not "healthy" or "good" for each other. I wish I understood this.
PLEASE tell me what I should do.
I want to call her so f*cking bad.....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
You are coming up on your divorce...so emotions are a little high for everyone right now. Including her.
Look at her text to you…
She does not say that she is thinking about things, does not say that she does not want a D, NOPE…sorry man and I know how much it hurts. Boy do I.
She does say that she wants to be friends.
What does Tad want?
What does Tad think he is capable of?
I have been where you are man. It is that place where anything she does is looked at as a sign that she is coming out of it.
IMO, she is not.
IMO, she is trying to be nice…
Why?
I have my own idea but based on my own sitch it may be a bit skewed.
Let me ask you this…do you think she is being nice so that you will give into whatever demands she has.
Tad, I normally do not say this man..and I do not want you to lose hope buddy…but RIGHT NOW…this very second…as you are reading this…you need to let go…
LET GO TAD
Stop trying to THINK that all of a sudden she is gonna wake the f up and come running home to you. It usually does not happen that way.
LET GO Tad.
FOCUS ON YOU TAD
Based on what I know NOW….Me, I would not even respond. Nada. Nothing. I would delete the message so that I did not have to look at it.
This ^^^^ is based on what I know and where I am NOW. It’s hard Tad…really hard man. My heart goes out to you.
That feeling of hopelessness, the despair, the sense of loss, the feeling like this is really the end.
I am sorry but maybe buddy it is.
AND END THOUGH…..ALWAYS…(the key word….is ALWAYS)….
ALWAYS….LEADS TO A NEW BEGINNING.
LET GO…LET GO…LET GO….
You know how to reach me man if you need to talk. You can also reach me via other means..if ya know what I mean.
My heart aches for you buddy…BUT YOU will get through this.
YOU will survive and THRIVE….
MAYBE…..
With YOUR WIFE.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Tad, all I can offer you is to tell you what happened after I got a very similarly worded email from my XH about a month ahead of the divorce.
He went through with the divorce.
Maybe others will disagree with me--but I don't see her peeking out at all. I see her saying it's done. She's sad she is hurting you, but she isn't going back. I saw the same from my XH. I still see it now that he's back contacting me. He's "sorry" for my pain but he's "just not that into me" anymore, and that's probably because he's got OW to fill my shoes.
I don't think you're going to stop this from happening. This has been her agenda from day one and she's sticking to it. Just because she feels badly doesn't mean she is changing her mind, and honestly, in your heart of hearts, I don't know if you want a wife who is with you only because she feels sorry for you.
When I got a very similar message from XH, I told him again that I loved him, would always love him, and that I wished that things were different, but that I had to respect his choice whether I liked it or not.
I also said that maybe some day down the road we could be friends, but that it was too painful for me to be "only friends" with him while he was with OW. Then I told him that had to let him go to take care of myself.
And that's what I did.
Again--maybe someone else sees something different here than me, but this is worded so closely to what I got from XH, and he divorced me and never looked back, as far as I know.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Actually in reading Eric's post, I agree with Eric. When I responded to XH with what I said above, I remember doing it with hope that I'd find the right words...that by saying I respected his decision, he'd suddenly say "Ok coming back!" And his reply was even more hard to take than the initial email, as he claimed that he was torn apart by the very thought of never seeing me again but that he was STILL going to make that happen...that he'd TAKE HER and his NEW LIFE over me. Sure he wanted me in his life as a friend, which would make ME make all the sacrifices to MY sanity. He'd get everything he wanted--to stomp on my heart and then take it back for himself as a FRIEND up till she decided that she didn't like us in contact, at which point he said he'd then drop me as a FRIEND.
So yeah. I agree with Eric. Don't even respond.
Calling her will do nothing but upset you. You cannot win this.
Emailing will make you nuts/texting as well.
Responding will not soothe YOU, nor will it bring her back.
I know that you are praying for a miracle to save your marriage/make her come back. What you should pray for is the strength to let her go and to emerge as a stronger person. Ask for help with that. That's where you need the most help.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
you'd only want to "validate" a tiny part of it (like how you miss what you once had, as well. Leave out the "15 years ago"...that's HER blaming)
but the rest of it is mostly her justifications.
And a half hearted apology. Yes, I think she IS sorry she's hurt you, sincerely,
and then she SAYS she didn't even know you cared much
(poss valuable info for YOU later on)
but the rest of it is mostly rationalizing why she's doing it "anyway." Either don't reply at all, or be very narrow with a one liner....
and honestly do you think SHE'LL find it "rude" of you not to answer?
Really? I mean what are you supposed to do with this anyhow?
THANK HER??? I don't see that...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
was your other option to say you "believe we can make it better"?
Don't you think she knows that's what you want?
I fear you'll engage in a lengthy "But I DO care!!" and "WE CAN make it!!" to convince her to stay. It won't work. Just recall her behavior a month ago...this note from her may be a sign, but it's not a big enough one for you to change course, imo...sorry
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It hurts. She knows how you feel. You've said it all. She KNOWS. But if you respond, like you really want to, you'll do damage right now. Later? Who knows?
I saw the same Tad. Mine once told me I could do better than her. She said she was sorry. Half hearted as well. She went through with it. It's final for me this Friday. I even went so far as to let her come back after that. Big mistake in some ways. For me it was right. I don't regret it, but it hurt more than the first time when she left.
What did I learn from that? I learned that words and actions MUST match.
Sorry? Really? Then why such an a******? This is what you wanted, right? This is what you <queue the swoon> "felt was right for you."
Ok. I learned the issue was not about or with me. It's not.
Same for you my friend.
Things look dark. And they will until you let go. When you let go and let her deal with her issues, in a loving and kind way of course, then things will look very different with or without her. But you'll know that she is free to deal with her issues. Do you want to get in the way of that?
She is disrembering things in a new way trying to cope. If you respond you validate. If you don't she is left to cope and make her own decisions - right or wrong - but you'll be setting the foundation for the future.
Step back and see the bigger picture now Tad. Time is what you need. Distance is what you need. Distance from the craziness in her head. She feels that way right now, but as you've seen that changes in the blink of an eye. Why Tad? Is it you?
Nope.
If it isn't you, can you fix it?
Nope.
Does it hurt? Of course. Would it have been worth it if it didn't? Would she really hurt if she truly didn't love you all that time?
Nope.
That leaves her to work out what is going on in her own mind. It leaves her to deal with her demons. You are radioactive to that, Tad. She is doing what she knows to do with what she has learned. Pitifully little, but that's another conversation.
Set the foundation. Decide if you can be friends even if not right now. But do not respond right now. The pain is too much for you to be able to respond in a positive way.
Later, after she sees that she didn't get what she wanted from divorcing you, she may change her mind. She may get help for the issues in her head. She may not, but you won't get to find out if you pursue in any way Tad.
See what happens if you don't respond. Responding to this point has not helped you.
Step back Tad. See the bigger picture. See the light.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am not an experienced DBer. But I am A LOT (!!!) like you in so many ways. I have been with the same man since I was a child. I have been in ONE RELATIONSHIP my entire life. I have prayed for a miracle, I have spent more time on my knees since he left than on my feet. The pain has been unbearable at times.
Don't call or respond to your W. I don't think that any good can come from communication motivated by sadness and desperation. You're too good to let her see you this way Tad. She knows you love her, she's sorry (in a superficial sort of way) that she's hurting you because that uncomfortable fact makes her feel guilty. That is all.
A little guilt is a good thing - why absolve her of it? Let her think her (sort-of) apology/justification fell on deaf ears. Don't engage with justifications and attempts to slither out of the guilt she is rightfully experiencing.
Tad, this journey is much longer and harder than we could ever imagine. The relationships that do come back together take YEARS to do so...often long after the divorce is final. Long after the LBS has rebuilt themselves. Long after the WAS has experienced the repercussions of their choices.
Tad, I know that this fact won't comfort you RIGHT NOW, when you just want your precious W back, so this is for you for comfort right now:
"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:17-18)
He's going to rebuild your spirit Tad, He is. Divorce is not going to crush your spirit. Divorce is not the end. Its going to give your W the space and opportunity she thinks she needs to be happy...and only time will tell...
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
You remain very dependent on whatever your wife is doing and saying/ This isn't healthy for you, even if the r was great, but as she is currently a very messed up human being you are linking your emotional wellbeing in a crazy person's behaviour.
If you saw someone doing this on a tv show what would you thin? You would be willing them to disengage, and let crazy person get on with whatever it is that makes them currently happy.
I agree with all that has been said on teh subject of response.
Many of us here have divorced: do you seriously think we felt it less, minded less, than you do. Of course you don't. And look, we survived, and are all of us doing really well. Blips yes, but even heppily married people have them!
I agree with the rest. You've made it abundantly clear to your W how you feel about her and the D. Right now silence will speak louder than anything you could say.
