Separated - high sex drive - what is OK?

[Angel123]

"God gave you 2 hands. Use them. Pop in a DVD and have some fun."

Gabby - this is not personal toward you - but I just think it is odd that somehow it is assumed that for a man to MB, he also must use porn.

Really, that isn't the case. Being in touch with your own body and its sensations is healthy MB. "Getting off" to images of strangers is not necessarily healhty.

Just my two cents.

[MrBond]

The EA should have no bearing on your sex drive. You just want what you can't have and it's driving you nuts. What were the issues that caused the break up? Have you tried to correct those?

[Psych77]

OK, now you are making more sense.

Of course, the answer to your original question is still the same - absolutely not!

It might help if we got a better idea of what else there is going on in your relationship. We know how you feel about being sexually deprived (believe me, I can relate), but how do you feel about her? How do you feel about Divorce? Has she filed for Divorce? Are you both talking about it? Why are you separated? Was it because of the EA, or were there other issues? I could go on all night, but I think you get the idea. What is going on with your relaationship that you are separated, where do you think it's heading, and where do you want it to be heading?

In the meantime, a couple of ideas. First, apparently she has violated a boundary with you - an EA. What exactly is going on between them? Does she define it as an A, or is she still insisting that they are just friends?

In any case, you need to lay down some boundaries. Let her know that you are not OK with the EA, and that if she wants you to stay together (does she?) she will need to respect that you expect to be the only romantic involvement in her life. The problem with this, of course, is that you are laying down a choice for her, then leaving it in her court. You have to be OK with the idea that she might choose OM. You have to respect yourself enough to hold that boundary, and not let yourself be humiliated. If she wants him, then she can't have you.

Just a side note: Considering that she is having an EA, and that is hurting you, how would your actions be any better if you have a cyber affair. We are not in kindergarten, and "she did it first" is not a valid or mature excuse.

Now, back to boundaries - another boundary you need to set is regarding nudity. I have no difficulty understanding how it could be sexually frustrating to see the woman you love nude when you are not emotionally ready to be intimate with each other. As has been suggested before, you need to respectfully ask her, if she is not willing to be romantically or sexually involved with you at this time, to respect your feelings and needs. If she is an adult, she should be able to understand that it is inconsiderate to a man (or woman, I would expect) to do things you know will arouse him sexually (such as walk around naked) when she has no intention of being sexually intimate with him. You might suggest strategies, such as keeping to separate parts of the house during that time of the morning. Be creative. However, if she will not try to accommodate you, you will have to keep the boundary yourself. Quite simply, try not to be where you know she will be naked, and when you have to be there - hard as it is - don't look. If she asks why you are acting differently in the morning, calmly, respectfully tell her the truth; seeing her naked arouses you, and if you are not going to have sex at this time in your lives, then you would rather not frustrate yourself. Why should you walk around with a perpetual case of "guy cramps?"

That said, just going without sex will probably cause you some degree of frustration anyway. You just have to ask yourself, how much does this marriage mean to you? And make your decisions accordingly. Either commit to it, grit your teeth and start Divorce Busting...or don't. But don't have ANY kind of affair, as that is destructive for everyone - including you.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you for adding more information. I was worried that you were a troll just looking for attention.

I would tell her that if she is going to be in common areas of your home, to have some respect and put some clothing on.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't agree with psych's take on it as far as
"boundary setting" and confronting your w about the EA and OM....

b/c that sounds a lot like an ultimatum. Read the Divorce Remedy book asap

so you can understand why it's a bad idea to issue an ultimatum.

We've also NOT gotten enough information from you to really give a lot of advice out.

But you can certainly address the nudity in front of you issues. NOTE---

What you were asking originally us was whether

YOU could do what you fear your wife is doing-having an EA

only you wanted to make sure sex was part of yours...

See any irony?

[Psych77]

I don't agree with psych's take on it as far as
"boundary setting" and confronting your w about the EA and OM....

25 -

You are right. My bad.

[calidad]

Thanks all for the advice. Now she's covering up on her own - maybe she's getting used to being separate also.

A little BG. We were totally happy and head over heels for 7 years - day in and out. Then I started a company and started ignoring her. Company collapsed with eceonomy, had twins, almost got forclosed on, couldn't find work. Pulled it together as a contractor but it's inconsistent.

She is now in biz school and having this EA. She told me about OM to be 'respectful' before anything happened. Now she is saying if we didn't have house and she wasn't in school we'd be divorced tomorrow. Said she is keeping an open mind but right now doesn't see us fixing it.

[calidad]

I think I have figured out my stand point on the EA. I am going to let it continue as I know it's a rebound and may end but if it turns physical, I am not going to be standing here like some slackjawed moron. I am going to have to dump the house and the marriage and my poor kids will be the ones who suffer - but I am not a saint and cannot imagine forgiving an affair - especially knowing beforehand.

Yesterday she was texting and giggling to the OM in our bedroom with me and the kids right there. Totally disrepectful. Still working out what to do on that. Saw a therapist today -she's awesome. She's not sure what to do about the texting either - said it's extremely disrepectful and very immature.

[calidad]

Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?

Would you think that applies to OM? Maybe he will realize what a mess she is and he's walking into and back off? (not likely, right?)

[25yearsmlc]

I think I have figured out my stand point on the EA. I am going to let it continue as I know it's a rebound and may end but if it turns physical, I am not going to be standing here like some slackjawed moron.

meanwhile you think something will change backwards or turn around, if you simply do nothing? Why don't you change something in YOU now?


I am going to have to dump the house and the marriage and my poor kids will be the ones who suffer - but I am not a saint and cannot imagine forgiving an affair - especially knowing beforehand.

Instead of planning how you will punish your whole family, take a stand NOW before it gets to that.

And never say never. Many of us THOUGHT we'd for sure leave if 'x' or 'y' happened, only to find that there actually is a streak of saintliness within....


Yesterday she was texting and giggling to the OM in our bedroom with me and the kids right there. Totally disrepectful. Still working out what to do on that. Saw a therapist today -she's awesome. She's not sure what to do about the texting either - said it's extremely disrepectful and very immature.

Maybe Make a phone call to a friend and talk about something hilarious or a private problem of theirs that you have to leave the room to hear about and help with...I'm not big on confronting if it's an ultimatum you are not ready to deal with

but if you really are that close to destroying the family in retailiation, why not confront sooner? I mean you can't sit there and test her waiting to see if she does IT and THEN SLAM THE DOOR on all....too preventable on your end....