Yes, I second that~ thank you everyone. Now, I haven't been on for a few days. Busy GAL!! But, had a thought. At what point do our S's think they are done with the M? When do they decide? Or, do they think they are done and then can they wake up and realize they aren't? Make sense?
I honestly think they, like LBS think they are done long before they really are. But keep in mind, they started way ahead of you. In some sense they are in a different place. What started as a need for change, became much more. Much like a wild fire...
Think about it. You and they are in different places with the relationship. In many ways, you are catching up and doing the work. While they are thinking they are done and haven't always done the work.
Regardless, the result is often the same....
Working on you is to get you to a place where you are...you. With or without them. Knowing that they are not done is only helpful in understanding there will be more junk from them later.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
From what I have gathered in reading and from others is that our S's believe they are done when they walk out the door. It's what allows them to justify being involved with op, take up or intensify other irresponsible behaviors.
The MLCer often reverts back to a time before they ever knew us or children arrived. It's what allows them to function as if we didn't exist. When we refer to them acting like teenagers that's exactly where they are, doing a do over. Those who are more closely involved with the MLCer often even report seeing even a younger child version of their S emerge at times.
According to research the MLCer goes back to a traumatic time that occurred either in their childhood or teen years where they either didn't have the tools to cope properly or weren't given the guidance for whatever reason to navigate through that what sometimes amounted to years of trauma.
Does all this matter? Only when you're trying to understand the dynamics of MLC. It doesn't change what you have to do to protect yourself or your children or working on yourself. We all have a part in the downfalls of our Ms.
One of the most important things to understand is that MLC takes time. We're usually talking in terms of years, not months. It's a matter of can the LBS outlast their S's MLC or do they even want to try because there are no guarantees? It takes a MLCer a long time to fully integrate their parts back into one. Many times when the MLCer looks back toward the LBS, they have moved on.
By doing the work on you and by becoming your best self it prepares you for whatever eventuality happens. Whether you decide to stick it out and wait for the MLCer, or get into another R or even go it alone. The LBS has choices also.
The gift in all this if you choose to look at it this way, is time. Time to work on yourself, time to figure out that you really can manage on your own, time to forgive yourself and your MLCer. Life is short and why make it miserable for yourself by carrying around bitterness and anger. Happiness comes from within, not from an external source, and it's up to you to find yours.
Make no mistake though that if your MLCer decided to come back and you let them, it will be a new M having to be built from the ground up. You both will be different people in many ways.
okay so I know I am to be focusing on myself and the kids. I am but questions still come to my mind. I am going to throw this out there and you can give me a 2x4 if you want but it is a question that haunts me some. Many times in C ( currently not going due to money) my therapist would tell me "your not that powerful". This is in regard to talking about how my actions could make my H go one way or another. Push him over the edge if you will. Well, if I understand correctly according to DB we have a significant impact on how our S's react when they are in the confusion part of their crisis. If we pull back not push and plead. I made those mistakes. I clearly remember my H acting like he was so torn many times. Then I would argue or try to talk him into why he should be happy. And, he actually said to me"thanks- you just made my decision for me" Really?!?! Thought I wasnt' that powerful. Try living with that?? Any input?
You probably confirm to him that his thinking was right. You were, in a way, lucky, because if it would of turn-out to be wrong, he would of had YOU TO BLAME for it. You took the responsability of the outcome off his shoulder and onto yours. Be very careful when talking to him no matter what the subject is. My 2 cents.
okay so I know I am to be focusing on myself and the kids. I am but questions still come to my mind. I am going to throw this out there and you can give me a 2x4 if you want but it is a question that haunts me some. Many times in C ( currently not going due to money) my therapist would tell me "your not that powerful". This is in regard to talking about how my actions could make my H go one way or another. Push him over the edge if you will. Well, if I understand correctly according to DB we have a significant impact on how our S's react when they are in the confusion part of their crisis. If we pull back not push and plead. I made those mistakes. Not so, imo. DB isn't about doing what saves m's, so much as 1) saving ourselves--which CAN lead to improved r's/m's and 2) NOT doing what hurts the m.
I find a lot of my advice is about what NOT to do, such as "Don't pursue, "don't do R talk," etc I think reading the book 'Co-dependent No More" may help you b/c you seem to assume a ton of responsbility for choices that are Clearly HIS...even now.
Forgive yourself, let those "mistakes" (if that's even what they were) go. Staying stuck in your past of "What if's?" does not help anyone.
You did your best with the tools you had at the time.
Now you have more tools. Good.
Honestly, Did you ever knowingly set out to plan AND then hurt your h?
Did you Ever lie to help yourself (as opposed to white lies, which I make exceptions for and which are never to benefit ME... e.g., when my chubby sister asked me on her wedding day "To swear" she didn't look fat....)
well, I quickly asked God for forgiveness if lying was wrong but I swore she didn't look fat.
I could not see ANY value to being fully honest in that moment, you know?
So I think there is a role for "white lies" and I just try to ask God each time, "is this lie okay? Is there ANY value to the truth at this moment and or, am I just rationalizing something to protect ME?" So, did you lie to your h about something just to help yourself and deceive him?
B/C what we KNOW now, is your h did that a LOT to you.
He can say it was to protect you but it hurt you MORE in the long run, and always was in HIS interest. And he repeated the acts he lied about And over a long period of time. And he still is.
And he left you and the kids. Did THEY hurt him? Unforgivably?
"Being too powerful" as your t said, can mean being self centered and paranoid all at once. Not a great combo. Can you imagine your kids thinking THEY were at fault for his leaving?
Well? he left THEM too...so why isn't it THEIR fault? B/C he's a grown man? YES...and as such, he's responsible for his words/actions. Period.
It helped me as a L to think of it this way==
Like states such as Iowa, Texas, Florida, etc....We each have a "jurisdiction" to manage in our lives, made up of our actions/words and property and relationships and dreams, etc. It's OUR STUFF....Texas doesn't tell Iowa what to do and neither do other states tell Florida what to do...
So, Try just to handle your own sandbox of life.
That= YOUR issues, YOUR character flaws that you are working on, GAL, the 180s, loving your kids as best you can, coming up with a financial plan based on not having h around but getting reliable CS from him, etc...
Nobody else's sandbox matters to you unless their sand gets into your box. IF SO, you move yours so you sandbox is always just fine thanks. AND there is Plenty of sand in your box.
Why get into HIS?
Let him deal with his sandbox and not come into yours, and you stay out of his.
No more assuming responsibility for ANY of HIS words/actions. Just yours.
And once you identify those mistakes, honestly appraising them without magnifying them, you learn from them. You don't repeat them. You change into your best self.
Christ Life, what else can anyone do?
Make sense?
I clearly remember my H acting like he was so torn many times. Then I would argue or try to talk him into why he should be happy. And, he actually said to me"thanks- you just made my decision for me" Really?!?! Thought I wasnt' that powerful. Try living with that?? Any input?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25. I will print this off. Love the sandbox analogy. That will stick in my mind. I can honestly say I never purposely lied or deceived my H. Maybe about my weight?!? White lie? Never. Never had a reason to. Thought we were both honest with each other. Trusted him with my life. Every day I am so thankful I have my kids! I can't even begin to understand his rational in not wanting to be with the kids. So his loss. It was sad though this week. My youngest hit a milestone. My first thought was to call H. Because that is what I would have always done. He would have been happy with me. Not anymore. I don't have him to share those things. So, I called those who are close to me and they celebrated with me instead. Thank goodness for them in my life. He is truly missing out on the greatest delights in life IMO. We are getting down to the wire with him responding to the papers he was served. Haven't heard a word. Will he not even fight for himself?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
White lie?