Wife Says I fill her with hate when she sees me

[calidad]

Well not all the time - only when the kids are crazy and she's tired and overworked (which just happens to be the only times we see each other).

Says she looks at me and just hates me. Plain hates me. Because it's my fault the economy collapsed and took my business with it and now I struggle as a consultant and there are no jobs in my field. So every time she sees me, she is reminded of my mistakes which forced her to stop being a stay at home mom and go back to work and to school since I cannot support our $1.3M in mortgages on an upside down house. Forget love, how do I just get her not to hate me?

[Reallyover]

Cali...I feel for you. I've been dealing with the same thing. My W has been all over the board mostly because she's scared about our D proceedings.

I'm no expert but I can tell you when my W and I finally talked about things and I have given her space, her angered levels plummeted. At least for now .

I don't know if there's a magic bullet but you may need to get away from each other for a while.

Hang in there man....It is very tough to be hated. Love yourself.

[In_Shock]

yes, ReallyOver has a point. SPACE is a big healer. Did you read the DB and DR books? What are your goals? (more specific than just getting her not to hate you?)

For many of us whose spouse has already said it's over, the principles work wonders. If your W has not said that or asked for D, PLEASE start DB/DR techniques yesterday!! It will help.

[Harrier]

A true DB answer...You can't. You cannot get her to not hate you. She has to reach that point on her own or she doesn't. But you really will have little control over that.

If you spend time focusing on trying to reduce the hate, you will always be disappointed and it will seem like a waste.

You CAN do things like give her space, time, etc. You can become a better person, father, friend, etc. Accept that you have no control of her emotions, then focus on what you can control - you.

[MrBond]

First off, you should try sticking to one thread. It makes it easier to follow you and your progress.

Second, she doesn't hate you. She hates the situation. You are a part of that situation but not the cause. It's the A, it's the guilt, it's all those things and rather than dealing with the issue, she's shutting down and lashing out to protect herself. It happens with all of the WAS's.

From what I've seen in your other posts, you've concentrated alot on her and what she's done. Have you done any changing? What were her gripes about the M? First thing you need to do is to try and get the anger, frustration, etc. all out and start being pro-active in fixing rather than punishing.

Bottom line: Do you want to save your marriage?

[calidad]

Thanks for sharing RV. I appreciate the support.

[calidad]

Mr. Bond. Good advice. Yes I will stick to one post. Sorry, been reeling as I am sure most here can relate.

Yes, I have been really focusing on myself more than I have in 5 years. I have been a passenger in my own life for the last 5 years and distant third to her and the kids in priority for 3. So yeah, I am going to my friend's beach house for a week and learning a new instrument, going out with friends, going to alumni events, reconnnecting and generally rebuilding my confidence along with long-neglected friendships.

[MrBond]

I wasn't referring to your GAL activities. If you GAL, yet remain the same person, why would your W come back to you?

What gripes did she have about you? Have you actually worked on your character besides going out?

[calidad]

Thanks, good point. Yes, I am doing my best to GAL and work on my character flaws at the same time. She even noticed that I have been smiling more and much more attentive. She actually laughed today.

Here are some of the gripes: I spin my wheels, I work really hard but the results aren't enough because I am not an efficient worker. She claims i intentionally don't clean the kitchen to her standards on purpose so she won't ask me to do it (not true), I always look unhappy. I am too long winded. I ignore her (the big one and true until the last week), I don't set boundaries, I push things and people off, I am aloof, she doesn't like my voice, my breath smells, I snore, I let people walk all over me - and the opposite: I am too abrasive and demanding of people and they don't like me.

[MrBond]

Alright, so you know that 3/4ths of that list is BS. Write those things that you know are truthful down and change those behaviors. What kind of man would your W want to date?