Wife Says I fill her with hate when she sees me

[calidad]

Thanks. Yeah, you're right. She'd want to date the guy I used to be - funny, social, spontaneous, thoughtful, sensitive.

[calidad]

OK so tonight at dinner she starts talking about our relationship again. Now she's going back to before she was pregnant, remembering all the bad times and convincing herself she was really unhappy then. We were always together, always laughing, very happy and very much in love during that time.

So is it best to just listen and nod and say nothing to correct her (even though she's forgetting?)?

Also, she is rewriting all of the negative things that happened and deleting her part in it (She spent the better part of 3 years screaming at me non-stop and was severely emotionally abusive). I've gotten over it but now her version of the story is that she was a 100% victim and has deleted all of the abusive things she did to me.

So same thing, just let her talk and tell her how sorry I am (which I did) and don't engage in an argument?

BTW - I am using Last Resort tactic right now because it is clear she is done-done.

[realormakebeliev]

Hi CD, sounds to me like you need some 180s. And from what I've learned here and from personal experience, trying to convince your W that it wasn't all bad is counterproductive. She's got to figure that out for herself.

Have you read all of the book? Sounds like you're not adhering to all of the principals. I'm sure some of the veterans around here can help more than I can, but I think you need to validate when she rants, and definitely avoid arguing. My H does the same thing about rewriting history, and it seems to be a common thread.

I can never remember exactly how it goes, but there is something in the book that says don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do... remember that, it'll help.

[25yearsmlc]

1) when they revise things so much that you cannot believe it ever happened that way you say

"Wow, I don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry you were hurt/upset by it."

*(note, YOU can have faulty recall so don't deny it happened. Nothing worse than forgetting an actual injury and denying it. Saying THIS^^ is not going to worsen or escalate things and takes ownership to an extent that doesn't make you a doormat)

2) when they revise things that are somewhat valid (or a lot valid)

you say "Yes well if I had it to do over again, there are a LOT of things I'd do differently."

This also prevents escalation and shows you have changed.

You must demonstrate that marriage to you now, and from this day forward

would be different/better than before.

So don't bother arguing with her that she actually was happy but is lying now


or that she Should have been happy...

if she says she's not happy now, she's not. Doesn't make it your fault.


If she says she was ALWAYS miserable, you stick to your

"Sorry you felt that way" mantra....and

3)

if she says something nice/great OR horrible/mean

but seems to want a response and you are just NOT sure how to react, then say

"W, I hear you and I know there's probably a perfect response to that question/statement, but it escapes me right now."

Good luck and read the Div Remedy book b/c I don't think you have.

marital revisions are scripted...nothing new here.

[calidad]

I've decided that I owe it to her and the kids to have the chance to understand what I can and cannot do. I am going to tell her that I love her and support her and understand what she is going through and why this OM has come into her life to fill the void I left in not providing her the emotional support she needed.

But that I cannot stay living in this house for my own self-respect if she decides to allow her affair to turn physical. I need her to know that out of respect for our 10 years of marriage, our kids and our future friendship what is going to happen if she decides to move forward to a physical relationship. I will tell her the honorable thing for her to do is to sell the house and divorce FIRST.

And if she does make the decision to cross that line but not sell, I will have to leave but I cannot afford to pay the mortgage AND rent somewhere else so her decision will result in a probable foreclosure. This is not a threat, just a reality. So in essence by having the affair, she will be flushing $200K of equity which could have paid for school for years.

So at least I have told her up front what will happen so it will not be a surprise when it happens and she will be able to truly understand the ramifications beforehand.

I know there are many saintly people here much more forgiving than I that can forgive an affair. I have come to terms that it would have been better if she had had the affair, ended it and THEN told me. Because now that she told me about the EA up front, I don't think I could forgive her moving forward with the physical, directly in front of my face. I just can't do it.

I spoke to a family law attorney today just to get a grip on process (it's an old friend). He told me that it's a shame - when all is said and done a "friendly" divorce ends up costing $10K-$15K in legal fees when you add up both sides...and if those couples dedicated that kind of money to a 2 week trip to Hawaii, they could probably resolve many of their problems....this is coming from a divorce lawyer!

[FaithnAK]

Big mistake right now. Why?

I've decided that I owe it to her

You don't owe her $hit when it comes to her. Wrong approach! AND if you do this with the attitude of weakness, she is going to resent you even more.

DO NOT ACT unless you are in a position of STRENGTH. You are not there based on how you just wrote this.

Look, I get how you feel and I KNOW you are worth more than this, but don't you DARE do this unless you have the backbone to back it up. YOU are doing this to get a reaction. DON'T!

I support your choice and actually agree this is the best remedy, BUT not with this attitude. You have a boundary, but you wreak of weakness with this approach.

No owing, No I'm sorry, No nothing. You take it with an approach of "I CAN'T AND WILL NOT". IF you do this at all. It's all in your confidence. Just the brief read I got....You are not in that correct position.

[25yearsmlc]

fwiw,

I understand your pain and your position. But here's a little food for thought...

We often think we cannot (WILL NOT) forgive something.

But then, we find that if we are totally honest with ourselves,

maybe one big SIN isn't worth throwing it all away.

And, in the end, what I needed was to know it would not happen again.

I suspect that's a biggie for you right now.

I believe in my case, it won't re occur. What I KNOW is

that if my h were to get his wanderlust again --I'd regretfully but comfortably let him go and move on with my life without him.

No one, including h, will ever hurt me like that again. I KNOW this about ME.


But when you choose to not even TRY to forgive, that just smacks of pride and ego and anger, to me.


And plus, then you'll always wonder if you were really so qualified to withhold forgiveness, b/c as you have come to realize, You played a part in this...( at least, I felt that way. )

And my h has come a long way to redeeeming himself-a great example for the kids

and I have come a long way towards full forgiveness--also a great example for the kids.


That's our legacy to them. You can screw up, or be deeply wounded, and still recover.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks. Yeah, you're right. She'd want to date the guy I used to be - funny, social, spontaneous, thoughtful, sensitive.

be him^^^ again. Be the better choice. And be the best dad you can be. It matters more now than ever...

[calidad]

Hey Faith, thanks for the note. The truth is I WILL walk away from the house if she gets physical. So you don't think she should know up front that her actions are going to cost the kids $200K in inheritance? Just not sure what the right move is as I think in her fantasy world, she thinks she will go have an affair while I sit here, living in the same house and just waiting for her to have her fun (that's the vibe I get). So at least by telling her the consequences up front, she will be making a conscious decision to flush our kids' future education fund by moving to the next step.

[25yearsmlc]

hear and re read what you wrote and then

re read Faiths' post to you more carefully.


Your pride will cost YOUR CHILDREN what? That sounds right to you?

How on earth can you say this and not wonder about other....

many other...sides to this.

How have you handled anger in the past?