Wife Says I fill her with hate when she sees me

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=calidad]ROMB,
[b]
Thanks for the support. Yeah, I am with you on the "did everything I could" front. Really trying hard -- it's just tough to stay on point when kindness is met with straight up abuse. Today was a tough one. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

I think I will stop doing things like making her breakfast and dinner. It's something I've done for a long time so stopping will signal a change. [/quote][/b]

2 x 4 time...get a helmet

Look, I don't want to just whine and nag at you like I'm taking the chicks' side, etc

but this thing where you are a victim and her rage is "unprovoked..."and you've "done everything" WHILE acting a whole lot like HER...well,

really? THEN gee

I guess you are powerless to change ANYTHING

b/c your nasty remark was of course justified...and you have fixed all the other things that bother her. SIGH

As long as you are playing the victim who "has done everything"

(oh please)...

then I guess you are just powerless and your m is over....

or

you can dig a whole lot deeper.

What the heck are your 180s? What are YOUR GAL activities?

What were her complaints about you and what are YOU doing about those traits?

Do something about THIS ^^^^

OR

stomp your feet and keep venting about how you'll punish her and the kids for HER disrespecting you "and the kids" and yada yada (as if the kids are being disrespected-this is almost all about Your ego,

which is highly developed for a guy who fears being a wimp).


Sorry but you are better than this. Your kids deserve a lot more from YOU, other than your pride/ego dictating your reactions.

So just do better. At least try.

[greenblue90]

Going to jump in,

Read your sitch dude quit trying to make yourself the victim. You don't have to pretend for us. We have all made mistakes, admitting to them is step one.

Secondly all this talk about doing things wrong, and not being appreciated, sounds like your W is tired of you running stealth contracts on her. She's angry, and it just makes you have a victim puke.

Also have you stopped to consider that she treats you like crap because you let her? You talk about how much patience it takes not to go off on her etc etc. Sounds like you're making excuses in order to avoid conflict. What does she get from this she learns she can walk all over you. This infuriates her even more because guess what, women don't like weak men.

Ok so big rant here, but that's because I'm in the middle of re-reading No More Mr Nice Guy, and you fit some of the case studies to a T. Look were not trying to judge and I can assure you no one here enjoys seeing what you are going through. So let me tell you that I recommend this book, because I was there too. The yelling, the anger, the name calling, the blatant disregard for all we do, yeah I was there. All because I could not man up for myself. You think you're manning up with your ultimatum but really it's just a victim puke, almost everyone here can see it.

Now I will not go and explain the whole process here, but bottomline you have most likely been exhibiting some traits and behaviors that in your mind, are good "nice guy qualities". In reality they suffocate, pressure, and black mail those you love. You may see yourself as genuinely nice, but in reality you are trying to manipulate those around you. Eventually those around you consciously or subconciously see through this and lash out. (you're whole story with the chores, comes to mind and is eerily familiar).

Ever felt like you give and give and never get the recognition you deserve? Like you take care of the family, be it financially, or cooking, cleaning, whatever, but people don't appreciate it?

Don't know you personally but I could be just plain wrong. Either way just get the book read a few chapters, and ask yourself. Am I really like this? The answer may surprise you.

[calidad]

Hey Green,

Thanks for the post. I bought the e-book of No More Mr. Nice guy and you're right. That's me to a T. Damn. Same problems with my ex-business partner (in fact I couldn't set boundaries with him either and he dominated my time and I allowed him to control me to a pretty large extent).

Got a lot of reflecting to do and a support group to join.

[greenblue90]

It's pretty eye opening isn't it?

Welcome to the road to being an integrated man. Like a lot of things in DB, [edited by dbmod, reference not recommended nor allowed] will seem very counterintuitive, it's not, you're just used to seeing it that way because of your preconceived notions. It's truly life changing but very hard, especially the first couple of times you put your foot down. In fact expect extra push back from your w as she tests you to see if these changes are real and permanent. Good luck and keep us posted

Alot of the changes from [edited by dbmod, reference not recommended nor allowed]count as 180's too so go ahead and share!!

[calidad]

Thanks GB. It is a jaw dropper in fact. I have run two successful (and then unsuccessful) companies and pictured myself as this strong leader. Wow, what a wake up call.

I did assert myself today and met surprisingly little resistance. She has been saying for years that I rub people the wrong way and that our nanny and I have a personality conflict so she doesn't want me managing the nanny. It came up today again and I told her that the nanny is my employee and it really doesn't matter if she likes me or not. She works for me and she has such a dislike for me as a boss or person, then there are hundreds of qualified nannies in line behind her. I expected a fight but she looked at me and nodded and moved on to something else. Hopefully a good sign for the future!

[calidad]

I know it's going to be a long process and I will learn the nuances in time - but question re: your exH. So when you first started standing up for yourself, what did you do the first couple times he escalated to screaming? In other words, I can handle the debate but when she starts screaming I freeze. I just haven't been equipped to deal with someone screaming in my face. So do you yell back or do you get up and leave? or does he not go that far?

[Luckyclover]

*Following your sitch* Thinking of you calidad! Sending you strength and good thoughts.

[calidad]

She came home tonight and we had a positive talk. I am using the Last Resort technique right now. She said she'd be right back and was going to go upstairs and get changed and then grab something - she implied that she wanted to talk more. So I took the opportunity to say I had something else to do (normally I would wait like a puppy) and I left the room.

Then I just noticed on our phone that right after I bailed on her, she called her EA OM for 17 minutes. Hard to say but maybe she took me leaving as a sign that I am still ignoring her and therefore went to him for comfort. Thoughts?

[25yearsmlc]

Don't go overboard with anything. Seriously, a 180 is one thing, a freakish over the top compensating behavior is another. IT won't be believed either.

Be authentically YOU but know that we all, including YOU, can/do evolve.

Your comments about the nanny (without knowing the context of course) alarmed me.

Yes IT DOES matter whether your employees like or respect you. They work MUCH more and much harder when they like you. Period.

It's just human.

Plus a nanny's job is caring for your kids and of all the employee/employer R's, this may be the most important one, the one I most care about in terms of getting along and seeing eye to eye. I told my nanny she was like my assistant or partner and I WELCOMED her feedback... (we had her 5 years and would kept on having her if we had not moved. My sister also hired her)

She was helping us raise our kids for God's sake.

Why do you now think your companies failed? Is this a pattern? A "my way or the high way"? You might want to read "From Good to Great" about management theory and how great companies ALWAYS have great leaders or teams.

Anyhow, another book many men find helpful is either called "N.U.T.S" or Hold onto your N.U.T.S" Someone around here can guide you there.

and of course you MUST read "the Five Love Languages" so you can determine if your w feels unloved or why YOU feel unloved b/c

it may turn out that she HAS been loving you, unnoticed, b/c her love language being transmitted, isn't being received by you. It's among the best 2-3 marriage books out there, imo, and applies to both sexes.

At a workshop I attended decades ago, a doctor there said he was unappreciated and disconnected from his w, etc. Towards the end of the 4 days he said she was coming to our "graduation" and that pleased him some.

Then he changed his mind and told her not to attend after all, and she changed her plans accordingly with no complaint. Later, He actually called to ask her to come that night, b/c he had changed his mind again, and she said she'd be there!

Suddenly he stood up and said something like

"WTH is wrong with me? I've been such a fool! I've turned away from all this love she sends, b/c it's not wrapped the way I wanted it
AND
I've wasted so much time and missed out on receiving so much love she was trying to give me..." Wow, that's an "aha" moment for sure.

I never forgot that.

Your m sounds like one in which she suffered a long time and was very lonely. Now she has made a move to have more love in her life and didn't want more rejection from you so

she turned elsewhere. And I keep hearing about how you can't handle that

and therefore ALL SHALL SUFFER the wrath of your refusal to even try and forgive...

and I just shake my head and think you are missing such big life lessons.

(NEWSFLASH...forgiveness isn't easy for ANYONE...you are not unusual there, but some people somehow do it anyhow...

I never thought I'd accept most of what my h did in his MLC....seriously. But life has a way of making some black/white issues a little grayer. And pride and ego blur things too much too.

A fine but blurry line exists between self respect and prideful ego...and that line shifts too...but we all have to hunt for it and hold onto it when we find it.

I NEVER saw forgiveness modelled in my childhood. I had to learn how to do it and it is a process. But it's freeing...to ME Mostly, then h and the marriage and it's a lesson for our kids.

A lesson in redemption for my h, my forgiving him (and myself) for our own mistakes and those others do to us, and moving forward, making constructive life changes. THAT is a legacy for your kids worth considering...

or just divorce her b/c "so help me if she crosses that ONE line I cannot handle, I'll show HER!!" Gee, that's a different kind of lesson.

Mind you, if she's a jerk about this or 2 years from now you are still here (as if!!) But I am not asking you to be a doormat...understand/accept that at face value bc I am not. Plus, it's not attractive.

Hopefully the books will open your eyes some, and maybe the people here, and maybe a mc or DB coach?

Something has to really change your perspective, no matter what else happens.

You are not really in a position to tell her your demands right now. Unless you want to lose her for good. Maybe you do.

What is your goal? What are you working on in YOU?

[adinva]

Hi there. I've been following your story too and feel for you. I also felt like the unfairly treated victim of my H just being inexplicably mean. I learned that there was a way we had developed of bringing out each others' worst qualities.

I recommend reading the Dance of Anger. I think you will see your relationship in some of the examples.

You might have anticipated that your comment about not being mad if her omelet took longer would set her off. When it did set her off you felt outraged, but you actually participated in it with (what I read as) a passive-aggressive comment.

Sounds like you're at the kids' beck and call and feel helpless - between them and her. Why not get one of them to "help" cook breakfast with you, to make sure you have peace among them while you cook. Or get them coloring in the kitchen with you. Pre-empt their neediness.

Just a couple of thoughts. I am having a lot of the same problems you are.