BTW - the fact that she could see that I was actually changing and still moved forward just lost all my respect for her. Regardless of how poorly I treated her and what a Nice Guy Syndromer I was, everyone deserves a second chance. So many people here have asked if I really want to save the marriage. I really really did for my kids but now it will take a miracle for her to regain my respect. At this point I think I am leaning towards not saving it.
Nope. Not everyone deserves a second chance. You just feel that way because you feel like the victim. Stop having expectations. You can't "expect" her to feel a certain way any more than she can expect you to do something.
The faster you come to that understanding, the faster you'll be able to figure out what to do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So I am 99% that the relationship just became physical. She texted saying she was going to stay at the campus library late (she's complained multiple times that she can't study there). Then our nanny quit tonight so I texted W and told her. I am leaving town tomorrow on business. Instead of calling she asked me what time I am leaving tomorrow.
Under normal circumstances she would freak out and call me and it's pretty obvious she's with OM.
Am feeling really pretty low. But I have come to the conclusion that I am not moving out or short selling the house. The equity belongs to the kids and I am not going to let it go poof. glad you see this^^^
So I am currently leaning towards setting a boundary when I get back in town, telling her I am not OK with her having an affair when we are under the same roof and she either needs to break it off or move out. I realize this is not quite in line with DR and DB but I need to be true to my heart and as screwed up as I am and as many mistakes as I've made, it would not be right to just roll over and play dead. I don't know what to say to this^^. It's a DB site. We are pro-m, but not at all costs. I get that. But what do you want us for?
You want us to validate your refusal to use the DB way or the way you misconstrue it or what? And have you actually READ the books??
Thanks everyone for listening and for your support.
Slow down, Take a breath. Decide NOTHING right now b/c it's your wounded pride deciding and that's not a good place to make choices from. Call a DB coach or a pro-m mc or someone who is in favor of the m.
And please don't ignore all the other things here about what YOU CAN control, ie YOU.
You still have to do that work...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
BTW - the fact that she could see that I was actually changing and still moved forward just lost all my respect for her. Regardless of how poorly I treated her and what a Nice Guy Syndromer I was, everyone deserves a second chance. So many people here have asked if I really want to save the marriage. I really really did for my kids but now it will take a miracle for her to regain my respect. At this point I think I am leaning towards not saving it.
I practiced criminal law for 3 years and NO, not everyone deserves a second chance.
If my h beat me, he would not get a second shot at my face.
If he did that to one of our kids, he would not deserve a 2nd chance. BUT THE IRONY/HYPOCRISY HERE, IS YOU WON'T GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
to repeat for emphasis so YOU see what I'm pointing out to YOU
Originally Posted By: calidad
BTW - the fact that she could see that I was actually changing and still moved forward just lost all my respect for her. Regardless of how poorly I treated her and what a Nice Guy Syndromer I was, everyone deserves a second chance. So many people here have asked if I really want to save the marriage. I really really did for my kids but now it will take a miracle for her to regain my respect. At this point I think I am leaning towards not saving it.
speaking of second chances...
when you say "everyone deserves one", you just mean YOU deserve one,
or "everyone" BUT HER?
and don't over reach with the "nice guy syndrome" b/c there are a lot of other behaviors here of yours that are not so nice.
Conflict avoidant is often the euphemism for cowardly or passive aggressive.
And Her affair, IF IT IS ONE is just the easy way out for you.
That way, you won't have to work on YOU. You can point at HER and say "See? It's HER! She is WRONG and I am RIGHT...and we are not married...."
DBing isn't about who is "right," but about learning to be happy together.
and if all couples chose the path of blaming and not forgiving, no one would reconcile or learn REAL forgiveness, b/c
what YOU seem to forgive, is only what is easy to forgive.
That ain't the test of love my friend...
and if you want to talk about her not giving YOU a second chance for the years of your mistreating her...then
look in the mirror & ask about second chances you are willing to give.
I know it hurts - I do.
But don't forget the basics here. What do you KNOW? How'd you get here?
What do YOU own? No matter what you still own that!
And What do you WANT?
and are you confusing pride/ego with self respect?
There's a crucial difference. Learn it BEFORE you act.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am willing to give her as many chances as it takes. But right now she wants to have her cake and eat it to. She wants to keep living in the home, allow me to take care of the kids, work and pay the mortgage while she goes out and has the affair. I know it's not about what's fair, it's about us both being happy.
My instinct at this point says to tell her about what I have discovered about myself...that I am a Mr. Nice Guy and what that means and that now I understand why I did to her what I did. NOt to try and sway her but she deserves to know that I now really understand not just what I did to hurt her for so long by WHY I did it. At the same, time, in my heart I feel she needs to choose. Either stay with me and the kids or move out and have her affair. The way it is right now is not good for me, her or the kids.
To be clear, when I said "Nice Guy Syndrome" I mean the disorder described in the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and you're right - passive aggressive, manipulative, angry, doormat - all very accurate characteristics of who i've been the last 5 years.
I know it sounds like pride to set a boundary on the affair, but it's not. It's dignity and it's also severe concern for her health. What she's doing is killing her. She's down to 100 pounds, is sleeping 3 hours a night and is headed for Anorexia. If I don't do something now she is going to end up in the hospital.
I have her mom staying here now hoping she can help get her to eat (she says she doesn't have time to eat!).
BTW - how good a guy can the OM be? He dates this married mother of 2 and watches her go from 127 lbs to 100 lbs in 4 weeks and could give a fig? Any one with any compassion would end it before she has a heart attack.
Now she calls me up (i am out of town on business) and says we need to sell the house and move into a cheaper rental until she finishes school and then figure out our next move after that.
So I think it's an opening to set a boundary and confront her without an ultimatum. I can tell her that's fine if you break off the EA but if not then we'll be renting two places.
I'm glad you have recognized the "Nice Guy" routine. Seems like you have identified with yourself. Here is the kicker though...
You have to FIX YOUR behavior. You have to show that you are changing. You really have to understand, that your W will not trust you until she see's you changing once and for all. THIS takes SERIOUS amounts of time. Time that you may or may not have. DO NOT BOTHER TELLING HER. SHOW HER.
You have to change for you and not so much worry about dropping an Ultimatum RIGHT NOW. Seriously, with EA/PA can it really get worse at this moment? Don't focus too much on enforcing this information just yet...take some time and soak it in. In the mean time just be distant and BETTER yourself. Don't worry too much about enforcing a boundary when you have SO MUCH to do for yourself.
I truly believe in showing your best self and getting acquainted with YOU. Once you do this, Boundary setting and what's BEST for you will make everything much smoother. I think you of all people can identify extremely bad behavior, but until you handle them correctly just play it day by day until you grasp EVERYTHING. Then think about setting an Ultimatum.
Read DR...if you already have...do it again. Just my opinion. It's all about doing EVERYTHING differently.
Seriously your evidence of it getting physical is circumstantial at best.
You'll most likely never truly know, and you'll have to just live with that or move on.
As for all this rage that's not what being integrated is about. You are still having one gigantic victim puke. You worked so hard in your mind for this marriage, and she is not meeting her end of the bargain so you are in a rage.
Not being an NG is NOT about turning into a jerk. Ultimatums are still manipulative and completely futile if you can't follow through.
I don't recommend making any moves until you know for sure it's physical. If it's not physical yet, your actions will surely drive her to it.
