Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[lifejustgothard2]

Update: ran to into H. Told me he loved me -always has always will. Thinks about me and the kids all the time. Many more tears and lots more of the same words as before.
And then he left again.
He is miserable and I know it isn't an act.

[lifejustgothard2]

25mlc? Anyone? Another update: H came over saw kids First time in a long, long time. Good for kids. A little sad too. Many tears were shed by H. He seems a lot different. Just his whole demeanor.

My oldest noticed it too. I invited him to supper and he showed.

I suppose I should not have done this? Dbing? But, he needs to see his kids.

He is miserable. Doesn't want a D. Says he misses his home and us.
Then he rides off into the sunset back to OW who claims he has no R with just a place to stay.

[25yearsmlc]

25mlc? Anyone? Another update: H came over saw kids First time in a long, long time. Good for kids. A little sad too. Many tears were shed by H. He seems a lot different. Just his whole demeanor.

My oldest noticed it too. I invited him to supper and he showed.

I suppose I should not have done this? Dbing? But, he needs to see his kids.

He is miserable. Doesn't want a D. Says he misses his home and us.

Then he rides off into the sunset back to OW who claims he has no R with just a place to stay.

Sooo, he's SAYS he is "miserable and SAYS HE doesn't want the divorce."????

So he won't argue money in the divorce OR does it mean he wants to come home and work on things? AND Has he left ow?

oh, no he hasn't...he's still lying.

My question is what's to talk about? Letting the chips fall where they fall, or work out different custody and visitation issues? Except he did not request that...

So, maybe now it's up to him to decide if you and the kids are worth him DOING SOMETHING different? You know, "action"?

Your h has talked a good game the whole time, his WORDS have always been great...but what exactly has changed now?

you have had dinners with him wherein he stalls you and or gets you to ask for even less from him...now he did this same thing but with the kids there too?

Life, I'm not telling you what to do here.

But look at the facts. Nothing has changed on his end. Even the words are the same.

He visited the kids. GREAT. Let's hope he keeps that up. Seriously, I hope he does.

Life, keep on keeping on.

If he wakes up and DOES something different, we're all rooting for you.

Otherwise you are on track for recovering.

As far as I'm concerned, IF he is capable of change, it won't be b/c you believe the lies.

(( ))

[lifejustgothard2]

No, nothing has changed. Just a few more words on his end. Maybe he knows just what I want to hear?
Do you think it is okay to invite him over so he at least sees the kids or let him initiate that too? Which if I hadn't this time there would have been no seeing him still!!
I happen to run into him the first time. Boy, did that throw him off.
So you think everything he says is a lie? He isn't miserable? Then he should have been an actor. I truly believe he isn't a happy man.
But I haven't seen him willing to make changes. Action.
He claims no R with OW. Why would you keep going back then? We r not that dumb we told him.

[25yearsmlc]

No, nothing has changed. Just a few more words on his end. Maybe he knows just what I want to hear?


Maybe so. Or he has a goal/agenda.

Do you think it is okay to invite him over so he at least sees the kids or let him initiate that too? Which if I hadn't this time there would have been no seeing him still!!

well, as long as it's good for the KIDS then yes, do what you can to encourage their r's. IDK how it will go for YOU or how hard, but for them, I say yes. Maybe you can leave the house when he comes over so you can GAL (with a little mystery too) and not be in his face. No need to hear more WORDS from him...


I happen to run into him the first time. Boy, did that throw him off.
So you think everything he says is a lie? He isn't miserable?

Oh geez Life. How can I "know"? My focus would be on whether it matters...b/c seriously, if he's with OW and still drinking/lying, then so what if he SAYS he is miserable?

Maybe if it matters to you that he's miserable inside, so be it. Believe it. I can't disprove it. Maybe it's true. And I can see why it comforts you so go ahead. Believe it but...don't act on his words or that belief, okay?


Then he should have been an actor. I truly believe he isn't a happy man.
But I haven't seen him willing to make changes. Action.
He claims no R with OW. Why would you keep going back then? We r not that dumb we told him.

the kids told him they are not that dumb? Ouch...

Carry on Life. I wonder if This turmoil is the transition of him finally feeling enough to show it to them.

(( ))

[AJM]

I think what he says is what he feel at that moment and lies. FWIW.

But I completely agree that it makes more sense to figure out if it matters.

Step back and look at the facts and not what you want to see per se.

Encourage the kids for the kids sake. Not his and not yours. Your reasons need to be that pure. If you can do that, then do that. If not, then don't lose sleep over it.

No matter what he is about or where he is, you need to be on solid ground. You need to be, like it or not, the one that looks out for the kids and what's best for them.

Do it with honor. Hold your head up high and let it be what you are known for.

AJ

[lifejustgothard2]

Thanks for the replis. I guess I am very gullible and want to believe this is the way he feels.
There is something different about him though. But, I will just carry on.
Part of me wonders if he thinks it will be okay to just see kids once in a while but I guess it is better than not at all?! I am still torn on that one.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the replis. I guess I am very gullible and want to believe this is the way he feels.
There is something different about him though.

You have said this before, just so you know.


But, I will just carry on. Do you have a choice, really?

Part of me wonders if he thinks it will be okay to just see kids once in a while but I guess it is better than not at all?! I am still torn on that one.

what difference does it make if HE THINKS it's okay?

what is HE asking for re: the kids and visitation? Not much? Then that is your answer...

Can't focus on how we THINK he FEELS

if he ACTS the same...

Is it b/c you are using his index of misery, as your index for happiness?

Please see the folly of that.

Your happiness is your job, Life. Own that.


And hang in there....all that matters, will be revealed in time.

((( )))

[lifejustgothard2]

Because I believe if he truly is miserable it means eventually he will get help and eventually want to come home. To me it is proof he is not happy where he is and what he is doing. Its not the life he thought it would be.
After his last visit my PMA went bad. He [censored] me back into his craziness.
Honestly, for my sake, I want to know hes not happy with this OW. Doesn't nessecarily make me happy but maybe helps my ego?!?! I am just being honest. Like he didn't leave me for her. That his unhappiness means she is NOT meeting all of his needs.
Because if she was and he was loving life- why isn't he happy?
By carry on I meant with the D. My oldest would like me to slow the process as he thinks his dad is seeing some light.
During our conversation with my H my oldest brought up the death of someone who died 5 years ago. My husband was fairly close to him. As soon as my oldest mentioned the name of the person who died my H burst out into tears. As if this person just died yesterday! What the heck?!?!
Yes, I am a mess this morning.

[lifejustgothard2]

25-I answered a few of your questions. Go ahead hit me! I know...just being honest though.

Once again why am I surprised?!? H doesn't think I need to have spousal support! Is this the normal response to asking for it? So he can bargain an amount? I have stayed home and raised OUR kids so he could further his career. Now, he thinks I am okay on my own? Just another slap in the face.