Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

I hope I am missing the big picture and I may be missing those small positive signs, but it seems like H just keeps getting angrier and angrier. I guess there is no question that the stress in the house has declined drastically but I can't shake the feeling that H is more distant this week than he was two or three weeks ago. I would guess this is mostly due to the fact that we have not done the goodbye kiss ritual for two weeks now.

The more I try to do the right thing, the more kind, caring, polite things I do, the meaner he gets. I have refrained from criticizing, complaining, and condeming COMPLETELY. He, on the other hand, hasn't said a please or thankyou for weeks. He puts me down and blames me for small things that I had nothing to do with. Last night he said he "has no tolerance for stupid people" when I couldn't remember the work onomatopoeia.

I know that is borderline abusive. and I know I should have called him out on his disrespect right then, but I just don't think that fast. Instead, I was a doormat and said, "that is why you're here Dear, because your so smart." I didn't bother to sarcastically say that I saw him looking it up on his phone.

I know that he is just punishing me for what he feels I did wrong (I won't mutually agree to D so he feels hurt, unsupported, and anger at my lack of understanding of his needs).

What should I do/try next? Or, is there nothing left to do? Is it in God's hands now? I keep repeating it to myself, but I guess there is nothing left to do but the right thing, my fixing, and the rest is out of my control.

We have MC tomorrow morning and then I have a feeling I am going to need to talk to DB coach in a few days.

[soccerwife]

Not sure if H is coming home tonight and I really don't care. I have a bottle of wine and I am reading stories to the kids. H never even called to see how S13's soccer game went. WOW!

I am going to get to bed early. I am SO prepared for tomorrow's MC session. 2 wks ago I was scared to death, now I am READY! game face and everything.

Wish me luck.

[soccerwife]

OK, how about this, I have an all new perspective of Mort Fertel's (MF) Marriage Fitness Program (ironically also MF). And I don't think that there is too much overlap between DBing and MF that they can't be used together.

Once the DBer gets to the acceptance and proactive action stage, the MF program is totally applicable. He answered a couple of my questions and it was totally on par. I still feel that the program is MUCH more applicable to people who have their spouse's cooperation but if you hang in there, the end of the program steers more towards the LBS (lone ranger).

More to come when my bottle of wine wears off. I do have to admit that I have been lacking on GALing, mostly because I am here at home w/ kids alone again, but at least it is what I want for my actual GALing. I would rather have family time that anything else.

[soccerwife]

MC session was very strange yesterday. H was nervous and agitated but I was cool, calm, and collected. We started off the day with him trying to take two seperate cars, luckily I had planned for this and had a rock solid reason why we had to ride together. He was angry and tried to bait me into arguing but I didn't bite.

During the session I was a great listener. The counselor got some stuff out of him that he had never opened up to me before. The counselor was also able to state some things in a way that really got H thinking about the error in his methods to happiness. I almost wanted to laugh out loud a few times.

Without a doubt, we left that session closer together rather than further apart. Thanks to DB coach Laurie's advice I was able to have an agenda and stick to it. I planned for the worst, hoped for the best, but expected nothing. And, what actually happened was somewhere close to nothing plus a little bit of good.

H claims he does not want to go back to MC because it doesn't help the situation and in fact actually makes him feel worse and want a D more. However, his actions say otherwise. During the session, he conceeded that he doesn't know if D is actually what he wants. He only wants to see a mediator to see how much D is going to cost and what arrangements would be made with the kids. Basically, he wants us to discuss what D would look like but he doesn't know if it will actually go that way.

So, I made progress! Just a couple more weeks and I will get H to say he is willing to work on M! Some words I have been living by lately.

Committment
Good Will
Honesty
Diligence
Persistance
Hope
Faith
Sincerity
Love

[soccerwife]

Having a little bit of a down day, but this is the first in two weeks. I have been crying a little but not because of loss of hope but just because I am feeling a little lonely. I also pursued him a little this morning but he didn't reject me... much.

He was sleeping on the couch as usual and I squeezed onto the couch next to him just to feel the warmth and listen to him breath. He woke up and asked what I was doing and said to cut it out. If he were actually mad about it, he would have huffed and puffed and maybe even left the couch, but he didn't. I know it was a bit of a mistake, but I just couldn't go any longer without some closeness.

He is leaving again tonight for some partying. Otherwise, he has been very kind to me the last few days and I might venture as far to say that he is actually trying to be a better person, father, and maybe even husband.

Our 15th anniversary of being together is next Monday and I can't wait to give him the huge and revolutionary gift (a new garage).

[soccerwife]

H being very mean again today. He has also avoided the kids for about a week and he claims it is because he doesn't enjoy spending time with them when I am around. Comments like that are like water off a ducks back to me at this point. It is now all about his fixings. Yes, I still have work to do but at least I am doing work.

I wish I had thought before hand to make some sort of chart/scale of my pain factor and/or tension in the house. I am pretty sure we would have seen the worst during the month of August. It is slightly improved now. We are probably equal with the month of July, which was also a terrible month. Hopefully that also means that the month of October will be like June, which was bad, but not unbearable (and H and I were still sleeping together and ML).

[macvspc]

Soccer,

Sounds like progress and keep up the faith and good work.

I also subscribed to MF's program and workbook. Did participate in the Camp and Q & A. I am a lone ranger wanting to save/create a new marriage. But there are some differences between these two programs that I have difficulty with. Being separated makes it even harder.

I agree with both programs in the fact of taking the focus off them and to work on being the best person/spouse that anyone would be crazy to leave. The one burning question is: When is too much a bad thing?

Some might say one program makes you a doormat and the other strengthens you and shows the WAS your best.

This I agree with but it is difficult. Isn't it?

Keep on going and only you can decide what is best for you and your situaton.

What are your thoughts on these programs?

[soccerwife]

H just asked when he should schedule, "the other meeting". I played dumb like I didn't know what he was talking about but I really did know what he meant. He wanted to schedule the divorce mediation meeting. He can't even say the words, that is how strange it feels even to him. He knows deep down that it is the wrong decision. Why does he keep going at it?

[soccerwife]

I think this will be my most difficult night in over two weeks.

[soccerwife]

I messed up and pursued him a little last night and he got very angry. Started with the silent treatment again this morning.

I am feeling a little down today and having some anxiety.

After a DBer gets the hang of DBing and doesn't need the help of the coaches as much anymore, does anyone think it is a good idea to see a IC/life coach? You know, to help me get further along with my fixings?

Does anyone have recommendations about the difference/value of IC versus life coaching?