I agree that there are damaged women (abuse victims) but that's something you'd know going into the m.
Why would I know that going into the m? In my case, my wife never told me and I had no reason to suspect it with the little I knew about the topic at the time.
I am not attacking you, I do not mean to offend, I didn't mean to come across as rolling up 14 years into a cliche statement.
I know DB works, it can work, and one of the most basic tenant is change and monitor results.
Don't worry, no offense taken.
I know it's natural for advice givers to assume that since there have been no results so far, it is because not all things have been tried, or because the approach is wrong. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Yes, but you haven't tried the highly acclaimed method ___ yet." You have to understand how that sounds after the previous approaches with highly respected therapists did not produce the full desired results.
I'd like to better understand your view of women with low libido. You both seem to imply that it's most likely due to issues in her marriage. But then how do you explain women who are in marriages where both partners are happy having no sex, even though those marriages might have been sexual earlier? Surely you wouldn't claim that those women are happily avoiding sex only because of issues in their marriages? Why is it the husband's interest in sex that determines if a woman's lack of sex is due to issues in her marriage?
The way I see it at this point is that I'm in a marriage where my wife has become the type of woman who is happy with no sex, while I haven't been able to make that change. I don't see that there is necessarily anything wrong with either of us, nor that there are issues in our marriage aside from issues generated directly from our difference in desire for sex.
I'd like to better understand your view of women with low libido. You both seem to imply that it's most likely due to issues in her marriage. But then how do you explain women who are in marriages where both partners are happy having no sex, even though those marriages might have been sexual earlier? Surely you wouldn't claim that those women are happily avoiding sex only because of issues in their marriages? Why is it the husband's interest in sex that determines if a woman's lack of sex is due to issues in her marriage?
Fair enough SSM, fair enough. First, let me say that I have to ponder my answer more fully so what I say here is just off the top of my head. I DO want to give your question justice though...
Okay here's what I have so far...the difference in the above scenario is that the parties agreed.
In your sitch, you say your w KNOWS sex is important to you but she denies you this. So to me that's a big fat difference. TO ME, it doesn't seem loving.
If she's really screwy about sex, she needs to work on it. But saying "low libido" on her end and YET her h still loves sex SO THEY HAVE NONE...
sorry but I've truly experienced low libido, and I still had sex with my h. For him mostly. B/C HE wanted/needed it. That was enough of a reason and I'm not heroic.
The way I see it at this point is that I'm in a marriage where my wife has become the type of woman who is happy with no sex, while I haven't been able to make that change. I don't see that there is necessarily anything wrong with either of us, nor that there are issues in our marriage aside from issues generated directly from our difference in desire for sex.
TO your way of thinking then, it's kind of all up to you?
OR
there is something else. She doesn't truly GET that you need/want this...'
or she simply does not care enough that you do.
You tell me what that means...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm not sure where your claim that your wife "has become the type of woman who is happy with no sex" comes from. From your description, she once listened to her libido and experimented with sex, only to withdraw once she found herself unable to have an O or receive much pleasure from the experience. After that, she seemed to want to persuade herself that her libido did not exist.
Your description of her going into hysterics rather than communicate about sex with you does NOT sound like someone who is "happy" with her circumstances; on the contrary, it sounds like someone who is desperately in denial of a part of herself.
If a young woman had a terrible fall, and subsequently refused to walk again, would you say that she'd become the type of woman who was happy not walking, or being in a wheelchair or carried around--or would you say she was a woman who had never recovered from a traumatic fall?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
using your comment about how you have not "caught" up with her low sex drive...
why not get meds from your doctor to lower your libido so you can both be "happy"?
I mean, you are saying the marriage is very good in all other areas except that the "problem" is simply that your sex drives don't match and
you claim there's nothing to be done at her end, as "all has been tried".
So, change yours. Lower your libido. "Problem solved."
There is a part of me that thinks you want us to tell you to leave her. Is there a thread of truth to that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
SSMGuy, although you claim there are no problems except those generated around the lack of sex, those issues reach into many more areas. You describe a lack of trust, limited communication, your wife's stonewalling, your tendency AFTER 15 YEARS to drag her face in the muck with "self-deprecating" jokes about how you're not getting any, and your position that she is the exclusive source of this problem. Your claim that there is no residual bad feeling about her choices is not bourn out by the frustration you express--all has not been accepted and forgiven. I find it inconcievable that these negative attitudes & behaviours can be neatly separated from all your other interactions.
when a man says he's "not getting any", he won't. Just an fyi okay, but that's a remark that will get you nowhere fast.
Huge turn off to me and every woman I know. At least when it comes from a man. It's also just not funny.
I understand your frustration but the few things you shared with us that you "tried," have all sounded like terrible ideas to me the way you describe them...
"Dragging her" to sex t's...is just an example of wording that freaks me out.
I appreciate that you are inexperienced sexually but it does not seem to really hit you that sex for her, with you wasn't good. she tried often at first but having bad unrewarding sex does lower one's libido.
Maybe she said she hasn't had an orgasm or can't, so that you won't fruitlessly pressure her to have one.
We can't "know" what happened of course. We only hear you here and she's not posting. But dang, I still feel that you are not digging deeply enough
or you are hiding from a more obvious truth. Sorry.
have YOU sought out sex counselling from a sex t? Yes just you...how could that hurt?
without your w there you won't have to fear any embarrassment and you can ask them all the frank questions you want...
Or lower your libido.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
