It's important, too, that your H also stays the course. Hopefully he is also reaping benefits from the separation right now.
You know what, JB? I think for the first time, in a very long time, he actually is staying the course and reaping the benefits. Go figure, huh?
Thanks for your prayers, sweet friend. You know that you are in mine, as well. H's fishing trip with the older, wiser, Christian, good-role model friend (who just happens to adore some lc4) is coming up a week from tomorrow. Praying that trip will be a really good time for him, in more ways than one.
Lost mine again to disastrous effect last night ( see my thread in newcomers) due to fear and anger getting the upper hand.
It feels so bad to have set everything back so far by doing all the wrong things.
Don't slip up, take it slow.
Thinking of you.
Wretched, we all backslide from time to time. That's called being human! Your situation is far from over. Deep breaths, start again tomorrow. Thanks for your thoughts, sweet friend.
Just an update.... Things have been going very well (for the most part) for more than 4 weeks now. I've made some incredible changes that I feel good about. I've come a long way over the last 5 months but particularly in the last one.
We are taking a small step forward and beginning to discuss what must change in our relationship in order for our reconciliation to work this time. In the past, when H has left me, he's always returned within a few weeks (usually 2) and we have gotten back together right away without working on the issues that caused us to split. This time, if we stay on task for moving back in together around the holidays (as we have set as a goal together), we will have been separated (living in different homes) 5-6 months, and it will be roughly 8 months post-bomb. This time apart has given us both a lot of space to think about what we have done wrong in our marriage the last 3 years, to miss one another and to value one another.
This step is proving to be a bit tricky. I shared some things with my husband today (in a very positive, non-accusatory or threatening way) about my deal-breaker for reconciling. In the past, we've gone through the same cycle. Things will be going great, and then he will start pulling away little by little. The "I love you's" and cuddling stop, and intimacy only comes when ML. When he starts pulling away, I start panicking and handle things completely irrational and WRONG. I start accusing and snooping and all the other things that push him farther away until he's out the door with divorce papers in his hand. So, my deal-breaker is that we come up with a way for him to communicate openly and honestly with me when something is wrong instead of pulling back and shutting down. I've committed to continue with my change of not losing my $h!t and getting panicky. Any suggestions for how we can do this and hold each other accountable are greatly appreciated.
I've asked H to share his deal-breaker(s) with me. He is a little nervous about this, saying he's "afraid it will make him look like an @-ho!e." I think in honesty, he's just afraid I'm going to revert to my old ways and fly off the handle. Hopefully, he will see little by little I'm past that and he will feel free to share with me.
The road ahead is still a long and bumpy one...my family has pretty much written H off and I have some animosity toward his family (feeling like they totally abandon me every time he does this; they always shut down all contact with me immediately, and that hurts). Also, I have made it clear to H that ow is to be out of the picture in all ways permanently. I am pretty confident that this is the case, but I still had to put it out there with him. Now, I'm letting that GO, once and for all. I'm sure there are many other things that will pop up in the near future, but hopefully, we can take these things one day at a time and work through them, rather than just sweeping them under the rug (as in the past).
lc, Thanks so much for updating. It's good to hear how things are working out for you - and so useful to know about the specifics of how you're dealing with this phase.
I am in awe of your ability to change the way you interact with him. You really have made massive progress. Way to go!
One question I'd like to ask concerns when you felt that it was ok to start talking about your relationship with H. I know in my case it's all too soon, and H would not be happy at all to keep going over and over stuff (as he puts it).
But how did you broach it, or when did you feel ok about chancing it? Or did you wait for him to make a start?
It's probably not something you can even remember - things just unfold, I know. But you know how desperate we newbies are for signs that things might be changing for the better...
So, my deal-breaker is that we come up with a way for him to communicate openly and honestly with me when something is wrong instead of pulling back and shutting down. I've committed to continue with my change of not losing my $h!t and getting panicky. Any suggestions for how we can do this and hold each other accountable are greatly appreciated.
That's a tough one because I don't think you can hold anyone accountable to communicating their needs, aside from yourself. Although, you could try to create a safer environment for sharing and then if he wasn't scared of you losing your sh!t, he might be more open. "You can't change them but you can change yourself" kind of thing. (We have more in common than you think because I'm not always patient and calm. I have lost my sh!t many times during my M but I am working on it too!)
Originally Posted By: lc4
I've asked H to share his deal-breaker(s) with me. He is a little nervous about this, saying he's "afraid it will make him look like an @-ho!e." I think in honesty, he's just afraid I'm going to revert to my old ways and fly off the handle. Hopefully, he will see little by little I'm past that and he will feel free to share with me.
Back to my original suggestion of the LIST. This time, I'm serious. Maybe he'd be more comfortable e-mailing you his dealbreakers? That way, if you're angry, you can lose it when he's not around and when you see him, you'll be all calm and sweet.
Originally Posted By: lc4
I have made it clear to H that ow is to be out of the picture in all ways permanently. I am pretty confident that this is the case, but I still had to put it out there with him. Now, I'm letting that GO, once and for all.
You mean that sunglasses wearing, angry, "I'm gonna take you out with a shopping cart" nutbar might still be in the picture? And he's worried about you losing it?
Anyway, all kidding aside, you're doing great, lc. ((()))
Hi, Wretched. Thanks for dropping by my thread and for your encouraging words. Even though I've been having marital woes for 3+ years now, I still feel like a newbie myself, as only recently I've REALLY started to DB properly. So take my advice for what it's worth....
I've taken my clues from DR on when to bring up R talk with my H. I gave things a couple of good weeks between us, and I totally went with the flow. He started texting me and calling me often again, he started talking to me about his job again and he started being affectionate and saying ILY again. If he had pulled back when I brought up the R talk, I simply would have given him some more time & space and tried again when I thought the time was right.
We've now agreed on a goal date for living together again, so now we start the tough work...telling each other what has to change in order for the marriage to work.
I think often of you, since our situations have quite a bit in common, and I hope the very best for you and your family. I do think your H is still very much invested, so I think chances of your reconciling are good. Just don't make the stupid mistakes I did the first 2 times I got the bomb. Take your time. It's your marriage, so it's worth it.
Your situation is far from over. Deep breaths, start again tomorrow. Thanks for your thoughts, sweet friend.