No need to say that you are a "nice guy" she'll just roll her eyes. Just tell her you have been reflecting a lot and that "things will change around here".
She'll roll her eyes at that too but a little less. The key is action. Words mean nothing to WAW's. To an NG's WAW they're just fighting words.
I know it seems that things are moving fast, but step one needs to be telling her how you feel. Not in an upset kind of way, but matter of fact. Once you tell her this have a plan of action and stick to it.
Ex: "I don't like it that you yell at me for the economy going bad and killing the business that was out of my control. I will not tolerate it. Talk to me once you want to calmly talk."
So she slept with the OM the other night, rubbed it in my face and when I confronted her, was totally unapologetic. I told her it's not OK and that we are selling the house and getting two separate places. She is delusional and wants to stay here together for a year while she is in this other relationship. I am not backing down. I told her I am talking to divorce lawyers now and I have not made a decision but when we are wrapped up with the house, if she is still unwilling to break off the affair, then I will be filing. I told her that if she does break it off, I MIGHT consider staying here IF she is willing to go to counseling and if I can somehow find a way to trust her again.
So there you have it. 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, amazing memories and adventures, love, romance, intimate moments, travel, building a house, our amazing kids and what would have been an incredible future together - flushed.
How much of that do you think is going to register after "I want you to know that I have been absolutely devastated by your affair and I have been going through a very deep process of self-reflection and change." ?
Have you changed much about yourself?
Hard for people to resist things that aren't directed at them.
Easy for people to resist stuff that people "tell them."
cal
I'm sorry for your pain b/c I know it's real and stinks.
But in the above post, you madee a long ass speech that you don't really mean, b/c
then you undermine all the claims of change w/your actions... b/c what you really really want us to say and what you are going to do anyhow
is take the easier route. The inward journey of reflection & self discovery route you began, was simply too hard a road for you to stay on...
Isn't it just easier to SAY you don't "want" a divorce,
and then go ahead and get a divorce,
blame her for an affair (which you know you played a part in)
and move on?
isn't this kind of what you've been waiting for?
I mean, Painful as it is, it's easier than doing the really gut wrenching work, for months, isn't it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That's not what it's about (and I shortened my speech significantly). My therapist who is a follower of Michelle and a leader in her own right felt this was the beyond the last resort action needed - if there's anything left in her soul then she might get jarred awake. Just because I played a part in the affair doesn't give her the right to continue it and to flaunt it - that's just cruel.
But it is not right or moral to openly have an affair while you are living together as a family. She needs to choose - the affair or the family. If she chooses the affair and D, and comes back after her heart gets broken, I would gladly and compassionately consider making ammends. I still do love her deeply but this is just where we are - there is no other course left.
will get you nowhere with her and comes off as being "right" and righteous
and won't help you here or with her.
What are you working on in YOU
so that IF she were to want to come home, she could believe that
marriage to you
from this day forward,
would be different or better?
Isn't that all you control now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
it isn't that I disagree with your choice and it is YOUR choice...
it's the tone you have taken with and about her most of this time.
You are So angry that I felt things were doomed when I first read your post.
I thought, "here's a h who wants to punish his w for him feeling bad about himself, but he'll probably blame MLC or OM" and you've tried to do both
w/some lip service to your flaws...
You know if things are going to end, okay but does that mean YOUR WORK STOPS?
See I don't think so. I think you kick it up a step.
I can see advantages to not seeing her every day for sure. Way easier to GAL for one.
But don't wallow in the A b/c I don't think that is the cause of this so much as the symptom.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, I know. If I thought there were some real chance she was still deep inside willing to give our marriage another chance, I would maybe not draw such a hard line. But I looked her in the eye and she told me she would be happy if I met someone and started dating. She meant it. She is too far gone and is not coming back. So at this stage the truth is the ONLY way I can really begin working on myself is for her to either end her affair or leave. I will not be able to make much progress if I have to continue watching her get all dolled up to go sleep with someone else. It's toxic. So she didn't give me a choice. Although she still has the choice of ending the affair and staying.
As far as dictating what is moral, you're right - but I am now starting to feel she is actually amoral and doesn't have much of a sense of right and wrong.
What I am doing to work on myself is I am learning to stand up for myself and directly state what I feel and what I want without apologizing, without backtracking and without passive aggressive comments, tone or undertone. My heart told me we can't live like this and now I am making sure we don't.
Lets cut the guy some slack his world is upside down. I do agree with everyone that you are too angry right now. Cut the self righteousness and protect yourself and your family. Don't turn this into a fight separate and divorce but do it amicably.
She is doing all this because she knows she can. Because she sees him as a wimpish NG, and knows he will bend backwards for her because he wants every chance to save the M.
She is angry at him. Angry of his victim pukes (which we see constantly here). Angry of years of him using all "he does for the family" to manipulate people. Unlike other WAW's she hasn't shown one ounce of consideration, she point blank has told him she intends to drain him financially while she gets her degree and leave afterwards. She probably sees this as her right after putting up with years of his passive aggressiveness.
Remember "nice guys" are not so nice in the end, and you have shown that in flying colors.
Nice guys shy away from conflict, and instead express their anger in other ways. I can guarantee you she feels entitled to treat him like dirt.
I think the key here is to from now on stand up for your principles while using DB techniques to validate and diffuse.
"I understand you don't feel like you will ever love me again, I understand how I drove you to this. Believe me I don't want to be like that anymore, but what you are doing deeply hurts me, and I cannot live day by day living for you while you live for another I think it's best we end this here now, and separate our things by what is right by law."
Expect her to curse you and kick and scream, but just keep diffusing.
Protect yourself, last thing you need is for her to buy OM a new car with your dwindling assets.
While I too feel you are still WAY TOO ANGRY, and not working enough on yourself. I also think her blatant flaunting of this is too much. I feel this is more about her using this A as a weapon to get back at him for years of victim pukes. Sounds like in her anger she is willing to destroy him, herself and the children's future.
So here's my bullet points:
1. For the love of god change. DB, GAL, tell her calmly how you feel, no more stealth contracts no more passive agressiveness, meet your own needs so you can radiate positive energy. Trip her up by taking away her reasons to rage at you.
2. Time for her to wear the big girl pants. She wants financial support from you, and emotional and physical support from OM. Remember without anger and dispassionately let her know the current situation hurts you, and you cannot go on living like this. Don't say anything about your manly pride or whatever, just say it hurts too much, and follow through.
3. Take it slow: yes let her wear the big girl pants but don't toss her in the street. Maybe start by separating the accounts down the middle. Get someone in the bank to certify that it was truly 50/50. When she hits the roof, let her know that you are no longer a couple and that you will do what is fair and right since you two are separated under the same roof. Make sure you provide spousal support, and say that as long as you two are married you will help her and the kids by providing them with a "fair" amount of money. If she gets mad, say that you two are separated, and you need to think about your future. Give it a week or two for her to process this, then let her know you got a lawyer. Remind her it's not to take advantage of her, and that you will meet your duties, but you need to figure this out, because as we said the sitch just hurts too much. Give her some more time and then maybe even file. So and so forth. The key IMHO is to do this as amicably and gentlemanly as possible, "I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I can't leave with this much pain". Give her time to cool down, and think things through. Let her rage subside, so she can rationally think this through.
IF you do this calmly, and compassionately (not throw her out to the street), AND you yourself change there's is a small chance she'll realize that her husband is no longer a jerk, and is a great catch, and her actions are causing YOU to become WAS and leave HER.
I think the common case here is either
A. The WAW thinks the grass is greener on the other side and runs away. The LBS adds fertilizer to his side, WAW realizes it's not greener on the other side, and sees how nice her old side is now and comes back.
B. The WAW for her own reasons yearns the other side, so she secretly crosses over to see what it's like. (this is the WAW's that at least cover up their affairs) the LBS catches wind of this and makes his side greener, making the WAW decide to stay, sometimes the WAW gets caught and runs away and becomes a type A (as stated above).
Your W is trying to straddle both lawns.
In your case you STILL need to apply the fertilizer, which is what everyone here is trying to tell you!!! She has made up her mind that she will cross over to the other side, so let her know it's too painful to keep her here.
It's all about timing if you push her out kicking and screaming she will push back just out of spite. Gently and slowly cut her out of your life. Go dark in your own home if you have to, get out and do things, make time for you, have her watch the kids while YOU go out with the guys. Juggling the Kids is part of single parenthood right?
When the issues come up, it's not because she chose the affair! It's because she feels the marriage will not work out. there's a big difference the affair is a symptom, of a failed marriage, she knows this, heck she probably feels you "forced" her to it. Make sure you understand this, as blaming her for the affair will just add fuel to the fire
It's not because of the affair, it's because she feels you two won't work out. Ok enough rant.
