I think you "overlooked" a lot of negatives and put them down to her being Asian when that is really not fair. Of course - I'm no expert but you have to be able to look at all the signs and assess a situation that is why it is so vitally important to go slow and keep your eyes open and your needs in check. So difficult when you are falling.
Anyway - you will heal and you will be surprised how quickly it will go. Grieve for what you are losing. Be glad for what it was.
Have you considered online dating? I chose that route after I got burned by someone who didn't want me. It helped sort out who really was interested. Just a thought...
Barb, there are always things that can be interpreted as one thing or another but when people make statements like "I'll be good to you, but if you ever betray me you'll never see me again ever" I didnt think we were talking about me not getting butter on her popcorn. When she says "we're not just talking about male female comminication here, were're talking about you and me" What would you be thinking? Hearing "there's lots of time for us to be together" huh? I was always straight about where I was. I said to her last night "You talked about trust being so important, well, where was the trust MM? You left me believing that something was happening that wasn't and despite all sorts of opportunities to talk to me you didn't do it" I asked her how many times she lets friends buy all her meals? How often does she throw kisses to her "male" friends for a favour. Why did she tell me it was OK to hold her hand, "I just didn't want you to feel embarassed so I said it was OK?" WTH! I even asked and gave her every opportunity to set me straight, she chose to continue the charade. I said "that's not what friends do to other friends" She claimed we were never even dating! Excuse me, I corrected her on that little load of bs. Then she said "but we wer dating as friends" Uh, when was that ever made clear and I said "I don't even know what that means! How do you date as friends?" Finally she said "stop, I'm not liking this" Yeah, who is. I should send her a bill for her half of our "friendly" meals that were never dates and stiff her with the tip lol. Hey, it's one thing to say, that after a few dates you realize that it isn't gonna work, lets be friends (which did not happen) it's another to say "we never dated" OMG! Then why did you ask me "do you really like dating me. Be honest!" Nuts. OK, venting over, I've got work to do. I'm done with this.
And lastly, I do understand what you and others are saying Barb. In the past I have often allowed excuses be it culture or otherwise to allow way too much. This time I took control, recognized that mixed signals never mean anything good so I took the bull by the horns. I sent that message. It resulted in something bad that, yes, maybe could have or should have been ignored. But, now I know and can close this chapter. I'm proud of the way I handled it. It was left on a sad but friendly note. I told her I needed to end because I didn't want to say the hurtful things that werer in my head right now and then said our formal goodnight that we used to text to each other. Anyway,I manned up instead of living with hopes that never end well. Credit me there.
Ending it when you knew it was never going to be what you wanted it to be was the right thing to do. I guess for me -once a teacher, always a teacher - I keep trying to point out the lesson. I will back off now.
In MY experience I learned so much from my failed relationships LONG after the fact. Once the emotion had subsided. It took a while.
Barb, when I started dating Voldemort, she wouldn't let me touch her for a month! No goodnight kiss, no hand holding etc. So there is credence to being aware of a culture's dating traditions and mannerisms. My culture would tell me that she had no interest, walk away but that wasn't the case. MM portrayed things that reflected that same kind of mentality but I had to choose to either respect the pace, the play hard to get game, or reject it. She was giving me enough positives that I felt it was worth staying and giving it a try. If you like the woman you give it a chance. When there was no time being made I decided that regardless of what the issue might be it was not meeting my needs. That's why I was stunned to hear what I heard. Honestly, I was taken completely unaware. It was like walking into Loblaws and hearing "Welcome to Walmart". Tomorrow I'm going to see my therapist and maybe we can start looking at what lessons I need to learn from this. I said to MM yesterday "I'm going to bed, this is just too weird for me" and she replied "not for me" Where to you go with that? I went to bed.
There were lots of times pre-XW that I liked someone more than they liked me and finding out the truth always hurt.
Part of the reason, I think, that we fight so hard to hold on to failing marriages is that we don't want to go through the "does he/she like me" dance again.
I know I didn't.
I had a similar thing happen to me this summer. Church_31, I wrote about her often. I was just infatuated with her. She was everything physically and situation wise that I'd want to have. We were texting a lot and I finally got up the nerve to ask her out and it turns out later that she didn't see it as a date request. She thought it was just a friend request. She showed up to July 4 church thing with a date and has been with him ever since.
It just totally deflated me. I felt like the 17-year-old desperate for a date to prom.
I even considered dropping out of the church group, but I manned up and stayed in it and it's continued to be a good thing for me. I still see Church_31 now Church_32 there and I wish her the best. I like her boyfriend. He's from the group too. And now, looking at her more critically, it was for the best. There are things about her that would have been tough to deal with long term.
I am trying hard not to get too excited about this OKCupid contact that I'm having lunch with tomorrow. It's just that my mind plays games, it goes back to the early dating days with XW.
It's such an adrenaline rush to think that'll happen again. That's what's happening with you -- the adrenaline is gone.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
It sure is! Wow CTH, she showed up with a date...talk about good times, eh! Hey, at least it didn't cost you almost $200 in dinners! lol Thanks for you thoughts.
Wii: When you have settled down a bit I think you should go back and read this entire thread from the beginning. I want you to read what you wrote and read the advice we all gave you. I really think there is so much in there to learn. But don't do it for a couple of days - you're probably not ready to go there just yet.
It's much easier to sit on the sidelines and troubleshoot but don't ever forget that we were all cheerleading you as much as we could too.
