It seems like a lot of the techniques here are more geared toward those who are seperated already or completely distant.
My husband is still home because he has agreed to do counseling and give our marriage a try to see if we can recover. We are living as a married couple, doing all our normal things. I take care of the home, kids and him. He works. We do things as a family and go on "dates". We have counseling. We see our friends. The only thing wrong is there is the barrier of him not feeling like he loves me the same way as he used to and him clinging to talking with the girl he had the EA with.
Because of this I am not willing to not do the things I normally do for him, etc. I feel like I need to pull back with how much I reach out to him and do some 180's but it seems like some are not applicable because we are still together.
Can someone help me sort this out. I am planning to order the book next week when we have some money but in the mean time I only have what I can find on here.
Also text messages are another thing that confuse me. Before the EA we used to text eachother a lot and call when he is at work and I am at home homeschooling the kids, etc. That stopped during the EA. Now we text eachother and call a little again. I read I should not do that. But that is our norm, I am not doing it anymore than normal.
I am just so confused about what applies to me and what does not. I guess I am just confused because he complains he wants more affection, attention, etc and the advice here is that I should pull back a bit from giving that to him? I need him to end the EA completely and I know I need to do some of it to get that to happen but what?
JAS I would post in the Newcomers forum. There is more traffic there. But 1st get the DR book and start there. My W is also home and it is very hard thing to live separate and barely talk to one another. hang in there.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I'm in the same position too, but my H is less inclined to work on M than yours sounds like. It's hard bc not being physical in large part may have killed our M, and not being physical is part of DB. Seems counterintuitive, but I'm relying on the wisdom of all these people who have gone through this before us. I put you on my watch list. You have my sympathy; this is an awful thing to go through.
I just ordered DR on Amazon and you can get a used copy for $5 including shipping. Is that PC to say on this forum?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes adinvina, that is why I am not sure if all the techniques apply. My husband WANTS more affection and improved intimacy so pushing away would seem to be the wrong thing to do when he is enjoying the attention I am giving him.
I plan on getting the book when I have a couple dollars.
JAS my sit is a lot similar to yours. My H doesn't seem to be responding to detaching as well as he does with me being affectionate. As a matter of fact, I have trying to really detach this week and last night he told me that he wanted me out of the house. When I opened up to him, he opened up to me and we were intimate and he kissed me goodbye this morning when he left for work. It is so confusing to deal with him right now.
I did go to the library yesterday and picked up DR, LL, and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read Men are from Mars years ago but I'm reading it again as a refresher.
I'd like to encourage you to join us in the KLA 2011 group EVEN IF you don't have the materials. At least to begin with--because KLA taught me so much about expectations and looking at my relationship through my partners eyes.
It is hard when we've been hurt by our partner to be willing to invest in the relationship, but it is so worth it to keep your heart open, and to do real giving, the rewards are tremendous. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and what you teach your children, if you have them, will change their destiny.
Start with the LOVE ILLUSIONS.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Mae3774, I don't think anything in life is one size fits all. When I tried to detach for a few days my H was miserable acting. Yesterday I went about business as usual and gave him attention, cooked a meal he had been craving, etc. We had a great night. He let me pick a movie to watch (even though I fell asleep lol). This morning he cuddled me in bed. Today he initiated a little "afternoon delight" and told me he was trying hard to get things going in the feelings department. He left for work on a cheerful note. Of course on the other hand maybe a couple days of slight detachment pushed him to be in a better mood towards me?
Either way all is well today. I am taking St Johns Wort to help my mood so I can eat and take care of myself. I am doing things to help me feel better about myself. I am looking for work I can do and still homeschool my kids. I am not nagging my H about the EA and just praying it dies a natural death.I am trying not to be pushy but I am showing affection and going about life as if my world is NOT falling apart. I am trying to make my husband feel like "The Man" again and not take over and treat him like a kid. I think these are the best things I can do right now. I guess I am kind of picking and choosing from what our pastor is advising and what I have picked up here and seeing what seems to work.
JAS sounds like things are going well for you! Keep up the good work!
As for me, my marriage is over. I'm not giving up, but all that's left is me signing the papers to finalize it. I am in counseling and it does seem to be helping me with my depressive state right now. I plan on going out with friends this weekend.
Well I blew it a couple days ago. I tlked too much and gave my husband too much "advice". It set us on a couple awful days which then lead into the weekend when he is miserable at work anyway. Ooops.
Hi JAS, I am new to this forum and the ideas of DB. Have ordered the books but I am in australia so gonna take a while toget here. I am just starting to implement the 180s and pull back but as you say it is hard because it goes against everything you think shoudlwork to save your marriage. My wife has no interest in working things out and is currently out looking for a place to move out to. I am gutted as I did not really see this coming and she refuses to work at it. I am watching your post as I am keen if these techniques work. all the best for your R
I am new too and sounds like in a similar situation with my husband! He says he doesn't want to work on it and is planning to move out also. I read DB and now I'm waiting for DV to come. I just had a baby and didn't see this coming either. I posted the whole store in another thread I started. I have been trying 180's but I think I need more help with them. This whole time is so confusing. My husband has completely shut down.
Wow, I'm living nearly the same thing. We are both still in the same house, same bed, no sex, no ILY, no kisses hello or goodbye since 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary and date of our last argument. He has emotionally detached from me and says he doesn't think he can "come back". I discovered DB on 5/5/12 and have just finished reading DR today. Been trying to implement the techniques...thought we had a little breakthrough about 10 days ago, but it was short lived. I know I need to be A LOT more patient. I finally decided to try some telephone coaching (we have each done some MC and IC). The kicker of still living in the same house is that my husband's job provided housing, so if anyone is going to move out it needs to be me. And I have no intention of doing that right now, so it kind of works to my advantage.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
I am in a similar situation as many of you. This site has really helped me not feel so desperate and alone. My husband told me on 6/1/12 that he feels trapped and doesnt want to be married.he said "i love you but i'm not IN love with you." he says he doesnt want to work on our marriage. he is still at home, we still sleep in the same bed. he still kisses me goodbye and says i love you. i thought things were getting better and that he was coming around but he said last night he is still planning to leave and he is just trying to act normal for our 3 sons. he says he is not conflicted, and this is what he wants. i feel like if i act okay with all of this, he will be put at ease and it will make it easier for him to leave. i have to fight myself all day long not to call him or text or IM him and beg him to stay with us. i feel so powerless. and so hurt and devastated as i am the one who has always given so much to our marriage and family.
Hi JAS2000, I am also in the same boat as you, living with my H who does not seem to want to try and is also seeing someone else (not sure to what extent). My therapist recommended writing him a letter to tell him how much I value him and our relationship which I gave to him this morning. Have you thought about that? I am also not questioning or bringing up anything about the OW but he is very distant when he is home and the silence is uncomfortable. I am trying to keep the conversations going about things that interest him, our daughter, our home life, but nothing about "us" right now as he is not ready and right now I do not know if he ever will be. Time and patience is key and hopefully it will be the key to put my family back together.
i think this is a great post and a "category" of people on this forum. it seems like there is a bit of specific advise to give ones that are still living in the same house together. much of the advice applies, but this unique situation obviously is a common one.
i started LRT this week. I am living w my spouse but in my opinion he actually home less n more distant from me. Although it seems to be counterintuitive..I must say I personally feel better from the decreased contact. I stopped crying as much. It wasnt working anyway before so I have nothing to lose by detaching n trying to GAL.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
My sitch is the same as well, good thing though is that H cant kick me out of the apartment because its owned by his family and not him or myself (he tried to kick me after the D bomb) since its a mutual space though he cant force it and his family is smart enough to stay out of it.
We are still living together but no intimacy at all, we were very physical prior to DB. Unfortunately H has depression and does not want physical contact due to his mental state.
I have had good results just leaving him alone to deal with his own problems, but im still dealing with alot of anger on my part so I am thinking separation might be good thing. For now though, its calm at home, but there are days when i just want to scream at him.
For me, distancing myself, going out with friends and engaging on hobbies keeps me sane. H seems to like it that way too.
My situation at some points seems hopeful, then hopeless and so on....
I am married for 25 years with a 22 year old son. Life was always difficult as we married young and between our own mistakes and life not giving us a break we were under constant stress. I was immature and did the best I could to survive with the mentality that a 25 year old has at the time (wife + house + son). To cut a long story short I screwed up and she was talked out of separating a few times. We then entered this tunnel where you stick to a routine not happy but just live day by day emotionally surviving. Fast forward to the last 5 years I met a person who was fun and desireable and the complete opposite to my W and started an A that ended last December. I was no longer happy with this double life and wanted my wife back for better or for worse. A couple of years ago we had a bust up and she emotionally said to give it a go. I had been neglected physically and emotionally by her and with harsh words turned her down maybe more because of the way she said it than anything else. I now regret that decision. Looking back I now see her reactions with sad images on FB she had and her increase on dependancy on friends. She was inevitably heartbroken. I felt worthless and broke her heart.
Anyway this year I decided to try and repair what was left of our marriage with a clean slate. She never knew about the affair officially, she says people told her something was going on with someone we both knew, no more. For some years now I have been sleepng in another room, we do talk and whenever I travel she always wants me to tell her if I arrived safely etc. On ocassions she would say goodninght etc. This year I took her on a couple of trips with me which surprised me that she accepted and we slept in te same bed but with no physical intimacy. Things were still cold but we did have some fun. I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel but still did not know what other buttons to press to maintain this situation and obviously everything cannot be down to constant trips. She had lost her job 2 years ago and was depressed and focused entirely on sports which meant she used the gyms as an escape spending very long hours. Though minor we did begin to talk more.
Around begining of May I found out she wasn't where she was supposed to be so I placed myself in the area because a gut feeling was telling me something was wrong. She is a very methodical woman and any change in her is easily picked up. I waited and finally saw her come out of a bar in the afternoon with a guy who goes to the same gym. He is also married. She used the excuse of going early to the gym to meet up with this guy. FYI Last year I saw a message from this guy on her phone which seemed suspicious and after further investigation found out that contrary to what she had told me they had been in constant contact and according to her he was only a friend she could talk to. He has on his FB page that he is involved in a complex relationship. His wife has her status as married. I am a guy and know how we think so add 2+2 and was quite certain there was more. I spoke to the guy and asked WTF but he insisted they were only friends. A few days later I saw her act suspicious with her mobile phone so checked it and found loads of I miss you and need you messages on her whatsapp directory as well as some photos in lingerie, none were naked not even kinky type just the typical infront of the bathroom mirror you see kids do and post on a website. I confronted her about this her parents and our son found out and it really affected her and she apologized over and over. After lengthy discussions we decided to try and move forward, she said she never saw or met the guy since May (apparently this is true) I confronted him that if I ever saw him within 50 yards of my wife I would reassemble his legs. I think since then there has been 0 contact or at least from what I understand.
With us however and specifically me it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I know I cannot throw any stone as I did something similar or maybe even more. I guess I am the unlucky one who did not get caught. We had a lot of arguments as the pain was raw. Judging by the date stamp most of this texting happened beginning of the year until say march and supposedly kicked off following the christmas party the gym had. She said by march and later and after travelling with me she saw signs that maybe a reconcilliation was possible. The kick in the gut though was that on her phone she sent this guy an "i miss you" message the day I caught her. Her excuse was that she missed having someone to talk to like she did with him. Anyway, after this incident and maybe prematurely we went on another trip but started with a big bust up as she would not touch me whilst I was trying to reconnect with her. The first time she was caught with the cafe thing she said lets start over clean slate but after the bust ups she has had more doubts. The the second night I went up to her to make up and one thing led to another but the following morning after I had gotten back from a meeting she asked me what was I thinking and felt offended that we had sex and that she felt pressured when at some points she even took her own clothes off. I was in a WTF puzzlement and after another discussion and steam let off the rest of the trip continued with limited physical contact but in general a pleasant trip.
After returning I was more determined to make this work. I got DB & DR and some others and made a picture of what to do. I also understood some basic facts a) I need to change b) I need to trust her c) I need to put the past behind me. The books were of great help. I have seen results from no touch to some light touching or brushing past without cringe, smiles, going out during the afternoon at weekends, and when I also improved my relationship with my son by partaking more she one morning kissed me on the cheek and said it was great the turnaround I had accomplished with my son. I am also helping more around the house without invading and generally on a more positive note. The issue however is that if I send a message and end with an icon that is a kiss she will send any icon or will not react. If I touch her she will not respond and the last trip we did last week except for the first day where we sort of had sex but with no after regrets from her it was in general a fun week with even a nice lunch in an italian restaurant. She even did somethings she would not normally do like selfies and other stuff but in the last hotel we had double beds and slept in different beds and still no touching by her. If I touch her she will not pull away but will not respond. Add to this the fact that during discussions she even said she contemplated some plans which would of meant being with me so in general things seem positive.
My main issue however is the no touching and if she is with me because she has no other solution owing to her being unemployed or because she really wants to make a go of this. I am worried that the same way she travelled with me in the beginning she also sent this guy pics and then met him so she can also be deceitful now even though I admit things between us now seem much better than they did then.
Fed up of this no touching lark I told her saturday I think we should sell the house because she in the past she said the ILY but not ILWY and with this no physical contact thing I am afraid to end up with a half marriage or someone who needs me not wants me. I want a full relationship not roomate type.
We talked again today and I explained my fears and she says she needs time and always said she needed time. I am therefore really confused as to her intentions, If she needs time or does not love me like I want her to how can she plan to do things like considering move abroad with me knowing there is still this issue. As for other small matters, yes, we do seem to spend more time together, she does seem to have these dinners that she then cancels or does not attend, she no longer goes to the gym on weekends like she did before, though she wants to do competitions so training will be part of her life which I can accept if it is not a substitute or excuse to be away, she also did mention about going to see a movie (she is not a movie fan).
Am I breaking the rule about once things seem to be going ok demand too much too fast? Should I back off and do as Michele says, more of what works and less of what does not? Do I become more loving and attentative and just give or draw a line and expect her to make the next move? During the discussion today she mentioned she believed there was somebody in the sidelines for me. I told her there was no one but do I let this jealousy bug continue or prove to her she has my individed affection (which is the truth). She says she is happy I have found new friends and should spend time with them (though she thinks one of these friends in this group is the one in the sideline) and yesterday when I received a whatsapp message at an odd hour (brother in law)she got uptight about the phone during dinner and threatened to walk out. Feeling I had she was affected thinking it was from another female. In my books this means jealousy = feelings = positive reaction and not indifference but I don't know really.
Sorry for such a long story but 25 years is a lot to sum up.
Any advice or help truly appreciated before I make more blunders.
My wife announced she wanted a divorce about 5 weeks ago on a Friday and went to solicitor on the Monday and told the kids that evening (7,13,11) She said she didn't love or even like me any more and that she never wanted to be intimate again (even though we had barely touched in 9 years). We have been married for 29 years and were separated for several months 22 years ago before she came back, She says I didnt change then. We are still in same house but sleeping separately from announcement. She is very angry and bitter/cruel towards me. At the start I asked if we could put the D on hold for 3-4months to give us a chance to get help. Initially she accepted and then within an hour retracted. She will not talk to me and says she has been planning this for 1-4 years! I have not pleaded or begged but I have challenged her early on - stopped doing that now. I have just started with DR book but seems no way through her force field She is good with the kids (although seems to be trying to pull them away from me - esp 13 yr old daughter who is very angry and repeating her mothers criticisms to my face), but treating me with disdain and as if I don't exist/already divorced. Very painful although i have tried to remain positive and not get upset in front of her. I have started work on myself and have had some councelling. Is there any way her heart will soften - I love her still but suffered years of rejection and push me/pull you behaviour from her. I seem to be in a battle to save my family including her - is there any hope?
My wife announced she wanted a divorce about 5 weeks ago on a Friday and went to solicitor on the Monday and told the kids that evening (7,13,11) She said she didn't love or even like me any more and that she never wanted to be intimate again (even though we had barely touched in 9 years). We have been married for 29 years and were separated for several months 22 years ago before she came back, She says I didnt change then. We are still in same house but sleeping separately from announcement. She is very angry and bitter/cruel towards me. At the start I asked if we could put the D on hold for 3-4months to give us a chance to get help. Initially she accepted and then within an hour retracted. She will not talk to me and says she has been planning this for 1-4 years! I have not pleaded or begged but I have challenged her early on - stopped doing that now. I have just started with DR book but seems no way through her force field She is good with the kids (although seems to be trying to pull them away from me - esp 13 yr old daughter who is very angry and repeating her mothers criticisms to my face), but treating me with disdain and as if I don't exist/already divorced. Very painful although i have tried to remain positive and not get upset in front of her. I have started work on myself and have had some councelling. Is there any way her heart will soften - I love her still but suffered years of rejection and push me/pull you behaviour from her. I seem to be in a battle to save my family including her - is there any hope?
