It seems like a lot of the techniques here are more geared toward those who are seperated already or completely distant.
My husband is still home because he has agreed to do counseling and give our marriage a try to see if we can recover. We are living as a married couple, doing all our normal things. I take care of the home, kids and him. He works. We do things as a family and go on "dates". We have counseling. We see our friends. The only thing wrong is there is the barrier of him not feeling like he loves me the same way as he used to and him clinging to talking with the girl he had the EA with.
Because of this I am not willing to not do the things I normally do for him, etc. I feel like I need to pull back with how much I reach out to him and do some 180's but it seems like some are not applicable because we are still together.
Can someone help me sort this out. I am planning to order the book next week when we have some money but in the mean time I only have what I can find on here.
Also text messages are another thing that confuse me. Before the EA we used to text eachother a lot and call when he is at work and I am at home homeschooling the kids, etc. That stopped during the EA. Now we text eachother and call a little again. I read I should not do that. But that is our norm, I am not doing it anymore than normal.
I am just so confused about what applies to me and what does not. I guess I am just confused because he complains he wants more affection, attention, etc and the advice here is that I should pull back a bit from giving that to him? I need him to end the EA completely and I know I need to do some of it to get that to happen but what?
JAS I would post in the Newcomers forum. There is more traffic there. But 1st get the DR book and start there. My W is also home and it is very hard thing to live separate and barely talk to one another. hang in there.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I'm in the same position too, but my H is less inclined to work on M than yours sounds like. It's hard bc not being physical in large part may have killed our M, and not being physical is part of DB. Seems counterintuitive, but I'm relying on the wisdom of all these people who have gone through this before us. I put you on my watch list. You have my sympathy; this is an awful thing to go through.
I just ordered DR on Amazon and you can get a used copy for $5 including shipping. Is that PC to say on this forum?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes adinvina, that is why I am not sure if all the techniques apply. My husband WANTS more affection and improved intimacy so pushing away would seem to be the wrong thing to do when he is enjoying the attention I am giving him.
I plan on getting the book when I have a couple dollars.
JAS my sit is a lot similar to yours. My H doesn't seem to be responding to detaching as well as he does with me being affectionate. As a matter of fact, I have trying to really detach this week and last night he told me that he wanted me out of the house. When I opened up to him, he opened up to me and we were intimate and he kissed me goodbye this morning when he left for work. It is so confusing to deal with him right now.
I did go to the library yesterday and picked up DR, LL, and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read Men are from Mars years ago but I'm reading it again as a refresher.
I'd like to encourage you to join us in the KLA 2011 group EVEN IF you don't have the materials. At least to begin with--because KLA taught me so much about expectations and looking at my relationship through my partners eyes.
It is hard when we've been hurt by our partner to be willing to invest in the relationship, but it is so worth it to keep your heart open, and to do real giving, the rewards are tremendous. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and what you teach your children, if you have them, will change their destiny.
Start with the LOVE ILLUSIONS.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Mae3774, I don't think anything in life is one size fits all. When I tried to detach for a few days my H was miserable acting. Yesterday I went about business as usual and gave him attention, cooked a meal he had been craving, etc. We had a great night. He let me pick a movie to watch (even though I fell asleep lol). This morning he cuddled me in bed. Today he initiated a little "afternoon delight" and told me he was trying hard to get things going in the feelings department. He left for work on a cheerful note. Of course on the other hand maybe a couple days of slight detachment pushed him to be in a better mood towards me?
Either way all is well today. I am taking St Johns Wort to help my mood so I can eat and take care of myself. I am doing things to help me feel better about myself. I am looking for work I can do and still homeschool my kids. I am not nagging my H about the EA and just praying it dies a natural death.I am trying not to be pushy but I am showing affection and going about life as if my world is NOT falling apart. I am trying to make my husband feel like "The Man" again and not take over and treat him like a kid. I think these are the best things I can do right now. I guess I am kind of picking and choosing from what our pastor is advising and what I have picked up here and seeing what seems to work.
JAS sounds like things are going well for you! Keep up the good work!
As for me, my marriage is over. I'm not giving up, but all that's left is me signing the papers to finalize it. I am in counseling and it does seem to be helping me with my depressive state right now. I plan on going out with friends this weekend.
