Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

25-I answered a few of your questions. Go ahead hit me! I know...just being honest though.

Once again why am I surprised?!? H doesn't think I need to have spousal support! Is this the normal response to asking for it? So he can bargain an amount?

Maybe not the "normal" response but YES he wants to bargain. It's called negotiating.


I have stayed home and raised OUR kids so he could further his career. Now, he thinks I am okay on my own? Just another slap in the face.

Sorry Life...

I always wish there was a hug/slap button here to click.

We could send you a hug and your h a slap right through the computer...

again, sorry.

(( ))

[lifejustgothard2]

I just feel like I have been hit by a bus. It has really sunk in just how little he seems to care about his kids. The broken promises and NC.
How can you love your kids and do that? You can't. I am done making excuses for him. I am done extending grace to have it shoved back in my face.
If he wanted us he will have to win us back.

[lifejustgothard2]

I just give up. It has been a hard day and I am feeling like I am worthless. Or, at least not as worthy as OW and her child according to my H.
How can one man do this to his family? I often wonder if he thinks about us as much as we do about him? Doubtful.

[AJM]

Feeling a bit down, Life?

Giving up is not what I see. Frustration and confusion is what I see in your post.

Don't try to get in his head. Try to get far from him and put time behind you.

When you start to feel like you are not as worthy as OW, ask yourself if you would want to be in her shoes... I think that will be a bad place in short order. The foundation is not a good one...

AJ

[lifejustgothard2]

Thanks AJM. I really think I am angry. ANgry at myself for being sucked back in. Wanting to believe the best in someone who has hurt me the most.
Angry at all that he has done to the kids. Angry at how he broke our vows.
Angry that I can't really say much till its all over for fear of him getting more mad or "confused".
He can do all he has done. In front of the world but God forbid I even bring it up. Because if I do- I risk not DBing the marriage or him getting more mad. Him getting more even.
It is all so one sided. When if ever will he feel the pain he has inflicted on his family?!?!
I know this is all about him today but I have to get it off my chest.
He is the victim. He is so hurt. Poor thing. NOT!
I feel like everyone caters to him. I know they are trying to figure out the problem but it seems he gets more "help" than us the aggrieved party!! How does that work??!
Angry he thinks OW is worth throwing his family away for. WHIle at the same time he is not in a R with her. WOnder if she knows that?!
Angry alcohol comes before everything-even his kids. But, he doesn't see it.
Screw him. I am done.
Now, how to get my heart to catch up with my mind.
Thanks for listening. I feel a little better.

[AJM]

No problem life. We've all been there. Been in the exact same place.

If I may help to clarify a few things and get them off the plate:
OW - she is a symptom. Really. She is not the reason he left or does what he does. She'll end up with the worst of it once you get out of the way most likely.
The anger? The feeling used? The feeling that it is so unfair? All part and parcel.

Will he feel the pain? Does he feel nothing now? Who knows? He may not or he may already. That's his journey and in His time your H will know the things he is meant to know.

Can't get around that regardless.

AJ

[lifejustgothard2]

25yearsmlc- Want to run this by you as you know my sitch.
Spoke with H a few days ago. I am feeling guilty. Not sure if I should be.
H has been by see his kids twice- first time in four months or so. Its all great but each time I initiated it. Fine again. But, now its bothering me.
He has never in 7 months initiated anything. I feel his kids need him so I have encouraged it.
There were many weeks of NC.
But, now when he comes but has to leave it is not easy. Nor is it when he never calls back to talk or see them.
They almost go through the rejection thing all over.
So, I called him today and told him fairly calmly that I would no longer initiate contact with him. If I need to speak to him it will be through email. Please remember we rarely speak anyway but only when I call.
I told him his kids need him and I would get out of the way if it meant he would see them. No, he said. I didn't need to do that.
He also missed another milestone this week and I told him he shouldve been here. And, reminded him he is the loser in all of this. He said he knows.
He told me I don't know what to do.
I said yes you do. There are people who would help if he wanted.
Many tears were shed by both of us again. Much reminising was done on each side.
I told him he walked away if he wants he can walk back.
So, was I too hard on him? Did I guilt him? DId I remind him of why he left cause I am so mean? (in his mind)
I am sick of it.
I am hoping these are boundaried-I don't know.
Can I just have some input? Please

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc- Want to run this by you as you know my sitch.
Spoke with H a few days ago. I am feeling guilty. Not sure if I should be.

No you should not.

H has been by see his kids twice- first time in four months or so. Its all great but each time I initiated it. Fine again. But, now its bothering me.
He has never in 7 months initiated anything. I feel his kids need him so I have encouraged it.

I get why you do this but still, it means he's doing nothing, still.


There were many weeks of NC.
But, now when he comes but has to leave it is not easy. Nor is it when he never calls back to talk or see them.
They almost go through the rejection thing all over.

that's something to consider then...idk what to tell you there. Sad.


---
I told him his kids need him and I would get out of the way if it meant he would see them. No, he said. I didn't need to do that.
He also missed another milestone this week and I told him he shouldve been here. And, reminded him he is the loser in all of this.

why do you bother telling him this? I get the part about informing him but why the rest of it?

He said he knows.
He told me I don't know what to do.
I said yes you do. There are people who would help if he wanted.

well done.


Many tears were shed by both of us again. Much reminising was done on each side.
I told him he walked away if he wants he can walk back.


So, was I too hard on him?

I don't even understand the question so, no, imo, you were not too hard on him....


Did I guilt him?

so what if you did? It has changed nothing and he's felt guilt a long time now.

DId I remind him of why he left cause I am so mean? (in his mind)

who knows? If you tell him something calmly that is true...are you responsible for him feeling like crap? Really? Could it possibly be due to his actions? Maybe?

If he thinks it'c b/c you wanted to be Lutheran, does it matter?

I am sick of it.
I am hoping these are boundaried-I don't know.
Can I just have some input? Please

I think your comments were extremely reasonable considering what he is putting you through.

i don't know how you can stand his tears WHILE he goes back to OW...

Hang in there...what's the legal status?

[lifejustgothard2]

Thanks 25. I tell him because I hope he will "hear" it this time. Understand it! Which I know is totally against DBing.
I don't want to push him totally away. I still feel some hope.
Go ahead smack me.
He acts as if hes not needed or wanted. Such low self esteem. I never knew! I thought this could help relize he is missed.
I know he is miserable but not miserable enough yet.
I believe rock bottom is near.
Hard day today. I need to detach more - again. I truly believe he is a sick man.
Legally, everything is in motion. My L received all of his info. Now waiting for me to turn in some more info on debt.
Also for him to come up with a visitation schedule. Can't wait to see theat.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25. I tell him because I hope he will "hear" it this time. Understand it! Which I know is totally against DBing.


I just read DB again. (Useful to do, btw.) It's not "against" it so much as it's against doing what doesn't work.

I don't want to push him totally away. I still feel some hope.
Go ahead smack me.

I won't smack you for having hope.

I will smack you for getting in HIS sandbox and messing around in his stuff instead of staying in your own sandbox and managing your own life. Yours is a full one if your kids welfare and your GAL was your priorities way up there...THOSE would be 180s too.

You've made HIS problems and his baggage your problem for too long. It has not worked. It has prolonged this misery and enabled the limbo do endure. The whole conversation with him crying again & about being so sad and not knowing what to do, and CRYING again strikes me as ...unhealthy yes...but also rather self indulgent.

So...is that a smack?

He acts as if hes not needed or wanted. Such low self esteem. I never knew! I thought this could help relize he is missed.

IDK what to say about this. I don't want to miss on some psych condition.

But there is some manipulation going on, again, that you play right into. It's like he can leave you for OW, ignore you and the kids for months...(who knows for how long since you've always been the contacter?)

yet he gets YOU to feel You need to love him MORE NOW and YOU have the burden of showing him more about how valuable and wonderful and lovable he is...in the face of behavior that simply isn't lovable. It's neglect, at best.

Just seems like you both took crazy pills. Sorry.


I know he is miserable but not miserable enough yet.

we think...

I believe rock bottom is near.

we hope.

Hard day today. I need to detach more - again. I truly believe he is a sick man.
I agree with BOTH of these ^^^statements. And if he is sick and won't get well...and will be sick for years and WITH OW...

will you allow yourself to live a good life? When?

Legally, everything is in motion. My L received all of his info. Now waiting for me to turn in some more info on debt.

good...sad, but necessary so, GOOD...

Also for him to come up with a visitation schedule. Can't wait to see theat.

Amen...please keep your expectations low.

Legally, So far all he has said is you want too much money.

Emotionally, he says he's confused, unworthy and you comfort him...

until physically he goes back to OW.

Kids? What kids?

I'm glad you remind him of childhood milestones but leave out the guilt.

IF YOU REALLY think he feels miserable and has low self esteem

then don't add to that part.

Play up the good times he's missing out on without playing on the guilt.