Thanks as always, JB. Every girl needs a guy friend like you.
Yes, I'm tired. Im tired of limbo, I'm tired of shuffling my kids back and forth, I'm tired of his "cake-eating." Flat dab worn out puts how I'm feeling perfectly. I just really don't know how long I'm willing to live like this, especially since he seems to be content to live this way indefinitely. As you said, does he want to be married, or not? Life is good for him right now...he gets to come around whenever he wants, eat here, watch TV, hang with the kids AND get some lovin' and then go back to his place. Plus, he keeps saying he's "trying" and he's "working on things." Ok...what does THAT mean? And why can't he tell me what I need to be working on?
I'm hoping the no lovin' boundary will help him miss me somewhat while at the same time help me continue to detach. In addition to that, I'm just going to carry on with my life and continue working toward my personal goals.
Hi Ic4, Your situation sounds so similar to mine at the moment. My H and I, too, interact for all intents and purposes as if we are happily married. With the exception that he sleeps over at a male friend's house every night.
I continue to feel that the 'separation' is all some sort of strange dream that I'm not really living.
And it feels to me that H is more or less 'sticking to his guns', for appearance sake.
Having made the decision to 'be alone' and having told his parents, he cannot now really back down, regardless of how good things are between us.
I also sometimes feel that he is using this time to 'test' me - either to see if I'm going to fall back into my judgemental, critical ways, or else just to punish me for all the hurt that he has endured over the last 3 or so years of his journey down the mlc path.
I wonder what advice a DB coach might offer you at this point. Is this something to explore?
I haven't been able to take up formal DB coaching because H handles all of my finances and would see what I was up to via phone and credit card statements (I assume this would be an immediate deal-breaker for him), plus there is just no money at the moment, at all, to channel in this direction.
Anyway FWIW, my thinking is just that I have to keep working to H's timetable; there is no benefit in rushing them.
Having said that, I'm not entirely sure how long you've been stuck in this phase. I've only been in it for about a month and a half.
Hope it helps to know that someone else understands exactly what you're going through, and is sending all manner of support throughout the ether! Hang on in there.
Plus, he keeps saying he's "trying" and he's "working on things." Ok...what does THAT mean? And why can't he tell me what I need to be working on?
I think it's going to take some active MC before he can really stake that claim.
Originally Posted By: lc4
I'm hoping the no lovin' boundary will help him miss me somewhat while at the same time help me continue to detach. In addition to that, I'm just going to carry on with my life and continue working toward my personal goals.
lc, I'm sorry your stuck in limbo. I remember all to well how that feels because it was less than two weeks ago.
Anyway, I can't tell you what you should do because I don't know your H but I do know that in my experience, the times when I spoke from a place of strength and clarity and not from a place of fear or impatience, well those were the words actually reached my H. And that made a difference. So do what feels right but don't rush things just because you're tired or impatient because whatever you are doing, it is working. He is moving towards you. Yes, he is taking his sweet time but what you are doing is working.
Say what you need to say only because you know that it will lead you in the direction you need and want to go, and only you can decide what that is...
But yes, sometimes that means saying I'm ready to move forward.
And why can't he tell me what I need to be working on?
Ask him for a LIST.
That really, really, really made me laugh, Endeavour! Thanks for dropping by my thread. I've missed you!
We ended up texting for a few hours last night (that is how my husband is most comfortable communicating, so I'm okay with that), and all is well. I just needed to vent on here and recharge my batteries. We have a dinner date tonight, and we are having family night at the movies on Friday. So yes, we are making steps (baby ones) in the right direction. I just have to be PATIENT.
One positive thing I'm noticing on both ends (180s for both...does that make a 360? ) is that when we do fuss, the roller coaster only dips momentarily (as opposed to the death-defying plunges), and then it steadies back out pretty quickly (as opposed to taking days). Another 180 for H is that he is expressing words of affirmation (my top Love Language). He thanks me for helping him out and for taking care of things in general, he tells me I look pretty and that he loves me. I don't know if his IC is helping him with that, if he's been reading the LL book or if he's just getting to know me after 15 years together, but whatever it is, I like it.
So, I continue on...for now. I guess none of us really know how long we can stand being in this marathon. Funny thing is, I've always been a sprinter (on the track and in life!), so yes, I believe God is trying to teach me some important lessons as I work to save my marriage.
In my humble opinion, baby steps are more constructive than a "quick fix". It's all about quality over quantity. Taking it slow in dealing with the problems and issues will ensure that they are fixed properly.
Enjoy the dates and try not to have any expectations. Just have fun and enjoy the moment.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
H and I are continue to get along and to move toward piecing (maybe we are piecing? We both know we want to reconcile and are working toward improving our communication with each other, ending our separation and dropping the divorce). He has been including me again on some important business he has going on, asking my opinion and sharing information with me. We spend a lot of our free time together (either as a family or alone, after the kids have gone to bed). We also have a family night at the movies tonight, which we are all really looking forward to.
It is SO hard to remain patient, but I realize that my patience is essential to not only saving our marriage but making it better. I think I let fear, anger, etc get the best of me at times, and I slip into my old habits. I know all that does is sabotage the work we have done. My goal is that we are living together again as a family by Christmas, which would mean roughly a 6 month separation. However, if it doesn't happen by then (for whatever reasons), I'll reevaluate the situation at that time. I realize that our plans will need some tweaking as we go along.
In the meantime, I'm continuing to work on my own personal goals as well as my relationship goals. I can tell my H sees some positive changes in me. I now realize that I'm going to come out of this separation a better person, not just for H and our marriage, but in general. I guess that is what DB'ing is all about!
For so long, I focused primarily on H's problems he brought to our marriage, but when I take a very honest look at the situation, I see how many of my behaviors have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage as well. Those are the things I'm working on changing about myself, and I know that I have 100% control to make those changes happen.
Thanks for the support I have received here. I do not think I would be this far along in improving personally and in my marriage without my friends on this board.
Go lc!!! It sounds like everything is progressing perfectly.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I agree. I really like your chances, lc4. I think holding on to your patience is key, though. Continue to make baby steps. Consider the benefits you've already gained from the separation.
Now is not the time to count the costs. If this all part of God's plan, He will more than mitigate the costs of what you are going through. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
It's important, too, that your H also stays the course. Hopefully he is also reaping benefits from the separation right now.
Continue to hang on to your boundaries.
As usual, I am praying for you and I'm in your corner.
