Thanks for your wonderful advice and for the book suggestion. I will certainly check it out as well as Passionate Marriage, which I've noticed several DB'ers have mentioned on their threads.
Oh...nutbar with the shopping cart....bless her heart. Yep, pretty sure she's out of the picture, as the last time I brought her up, H said the great line from As Good as It Gets...."go sell crazy somewhere else; we are all stocked up here." Truth is, she really is a nut, and a MEAN one at that. And I cannot believe the similarities between your H's ow and my H's ow...while she wasn't going through cancer treatments during their affair, she had battled cancer recently. That's just bananas, isn't it???
My short-term goal at this point is for H to feel comfortable sharing his wants/needs with me (and yes, I think it will be done by email, as he is most comfortable communicating about the tough stuff electronically) and for us to get to an agreement on how we can end the cycle of H pulling back/me panicking and losing my $h!t and therefore driving him farther away. You are right; we can only hold ourselves accountable to stick to our plan, but I'm hoping if we brainstorm on this together, we can come up with some good ideas on how to to do this.
Keep hanging in there, E. I got your back and am in your corner! xo, lc4
lc, Passionate Marriage is amazing. I just ordered two more books from the author yesterday as well. I really enjoy his work.
Originally Posted By: lc4
while she wasn't going through cancer treatments during their affair, she had battled cancer recently. That's just bananas, isn't it???
Seriously? Are we sure it's not the same W?
My H's ow also had a double mastectomy at the beginning of the year and that's when he took up with her again. He broke it off last summer (after 5 months) because he said he wanted to work on our M (but then admits he was still angry at me over my contemplating divorce book so he didn't actually work on it). Anyway, H thinks perhaps it's all strangely connected to the death of his mother from cancer the year before he met because he said he felt like he had to be there for ow because of his mom. Yes, completely disturbing and even H admits it's pretty messed up now that he looks back on it all.
Originally Posted By: lc4
You are right; we can only hold ourselves accountable to stick to our plan, but I'm hoping if we brainstorm on this together, we can come up with some good ideas on how to to do this.
Keep hanging in there, E. I got your back and am in your corner! xo, lc4
I was watching a video recently by a man in my industry, who also teaches, and he was comparing our profession to what it takes to be successful to Marriage. He said he wants to stay married so every month he checks in with his wife to see what is working and what needs work. Like a marriage tune-up. He said communicating often about their needs was the key. I thought that was interesting, and he's been married for 20 years so maybe he's onto something. Anyway, just a thought.
Thanks lc - I feel there is a lot in common in our situations too.
And I'm always hanging out for your updates and generous and insightful words of advice and encouragement.
Your willingness to respond to me here has really been one of the few things (apart from reading DR) that has got me through so far. Sometimes I get so down I don't know what to do... but I cry and then pull myself back together knowing that everyone here has been through the same thing. And I particularly think of you and your positive attitude, and how you've handled things, and it gives me the determination to keep on going.
Your description of the developments leading up to R talk are just what I needed to hear. It's all too easy to try to rush things. I will take my time.
Thanks so much, Endeavour and Wretched, for your encouraging words. I do feel like I've come a long way, yet I still have a long road ahead of me. They weren't kidding about this being a marathon! I'm finally learning this is about endurance and pacing myself rather than about speed.
I really think in my case it took my marriage hitting rock bottom to make me realize I had to stop just reading and writing and thinking about DB'ing and I had to start doing the tough work. I like the lc4 I've become much better than the older version, and I'm excited about the additional positive changes that are to come in my life. I feel fortunate, too, that my H is still invested emotionally and wants to reconcile. So many great DB'ers don't get the chance I'm getting simply because their spouses are too far gone down Fantasy Lane. The good news is that despite if the marriage is saved or not, true DB'ers can have a better, fuller, happier life because of the skills they've picked up along the way.
I'm excited today, because I'm starting back to my Pilates classes. I've always been a Pilates junkie, but I had taken some time off (not knowing if my financial situation would allow for my sessions). I know that in the short time I've taken off, I've lost some muscle strength and tone, so it's going to take a little while to work myself back to where I was. I am really looking forward to the challenge!
I'm also cooking a family favorite meal tonight, so I'm looking forward to all the happy faces (including H's) sitting around our big, ol' kitchen table. We have family plans for tomorrow night, and then H leaves for a fly fishing trip on Saturday for 6 days. I'm really looking forward to this trip for him, as he is going with a mentor of his, who is a solid Christian, great family man, etc. H told me he is worried about being away (his cell and internet service will be pretty poor, therefore he won't be able to have constant contact with his office, etc. Of course, I think this is a GREAT thing!). I think he's also nervous about missing us back home, but it will be good for him to miss us...and for us to miss him. That will make his homecoming all the more sweet.
Again, many thanks for the encouragement and advice.
lc - it sounds like you are in a great place right now. Enjoy the moment, and keep on keeping on!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Lc4 - just dropping by to offer my thanks for your kind words on my thread, and to let you know how incredibly wonderful it is to see your family slowly coming back together after quite a journey. You have certainly had your share of heartbreak, but your patience, courage and persistence has paid off. I am in awe - I'm only a few months into my own journey and already feel exhausted. You give me hope to stay strong and hang in for the long haul.
Best wishes and I will be praying for your family!
Hey lc4, Loving your news. Pilates is great and I bet you can channel some of your frustration into extra effort in the muscle-building department. How great you're gonna look all toned and glowing!
The family times are best of all and I will be thinking of you all round that table.
BTW, my H just told me he got a call from a lawyer in Texas this morning who wanted to organise some call-answering services. Couldn't possibly be your H trying to cover his calls while he's away, could it???? Just kidding, but I did think of you when he mentioned it (I should explain that it was notable that the call came from Texas because we're on the other side of the world).
Anyway, after reading about the eerie similarities in people's experiences with their spouses on this site, nothing much in the way of coincidences would surprise me any more.
lc4 - great update! Stay the course and keep up the good work! The timing for your H's fly fishing trip seems impeccable. I think it's God's perfect timing. I'll will be in prayer about your H's fishing trip and for you, your marriage, and your family. I'm hoping y'all can truly get to the best place possible in your M. That'll make all this pain and work more than worth it.
We had a great family night last night...one of our best in a long time. We went to a favorite family restaurant, grabbed some coffee and a book for my H's trip and then went bowling...boys against the girls. Boys barely pulled it off. We'll get them next time. For awhile there I was beating my H (we are both fiercely competitive!). Dadgummit, he ended up taking me in the end. But that's okay.
H has spent the last 2 nights at home (kids don't know; he leaves before they get up). He left for his trip today and was feeling a bit anxious about going. He was worried about leaving me with taking care of the kids for a week (hey...I got this ) and with being away from work. I told him to go have a great time and that we'll look forward to welcoming him home next week. Now, I feel like I can take a little break and relax for a few days! This DB'ing is a bit exhausting at times!
Yep, pretty sure she's out of the picture, as the last time I brought her up, H said the great line from As Good as It Gets...."go sell crazy somewhere else; we are all stocked up here." Truth is, she really is a nut, and a MEAN one 
at that. And I cannot believe the similarities between your H's 
) and with being away from work. I told him to go have a great time and that we'll look forward to welcoming him home next week. Now, I feel like I can take a little break and relax for a few days! This DB'ing is a bit exhausting at times!