Not quite in midseason form...yet

[25yearsmlc]

finish

my concern with your post is that MTS fears his wife or HE will move on so he clings to contact of all types...it's WHY he clings...he cannot imagine OW for him...ever...

And this fear slows down his detachment. Which slows down his GAL and moving on and all of that, imo, reduces the chance his w will return.

MTS, the good thing you have going for you and your w is that you two have serious history together. When the dust settles, she'll still miss your friendship and she'll allow all the positive memories and good feelings to resurface.

You'll be in great shape physically (as an athlete and semi public person, she probably loves it when you are in top shape, more than a lot of women. So keep up the work outs!!)

You'll be in great shape spiritually and mentally and emotionally, if you work the program b/c the program works.

MTS do you see that detachment and GAL and moving on, do NOT = giving up?

I sure Hope so.

[Finah]

And that is why you listen to 25 and not me, lol

[westcoastfella]

Just ringing in with my two cents! Thing is, Made, this is one of those things where you're really just going to have to listen to your heart on it. Even DR says something like, "It's your sitch, so you'll have to be the one to decide how you want to handle it." You will know what you need to do when it comes time for it.

For me, personally, if it was my W's b-day coming up, I wouldn't send anything. I'm quickly realizing the power of going dark. At first, it feels terribly cruel, and you are imbued with the fear that you will push her away with your newfound "coldness." However, there's nothing cold or punishing about it. Your W has made it very evident that she doesn't want you in her life anymore, so give her a heaping helping of space. Good for you, and good for her, too. Gives her time to think about what she might be missing, and gives you time to heal.

Nothing is louder or more resounding now than your silence.

[MadeToSucceed]

And I understand that of course you hope that this letter sparks something in her. But keep expectations low. Remember, this is as much for you as it is for her. Release yourself from the mistakes you made, forgive yourself and be prepared to move forward.

I'm with you. My expectations are low. I HAVE to keep them low because at this point that is the only thing that will keep me sane. I honestly will do my best to "expect" nothing.

You may want to go over your bullet list, too, and re-order it terms of what is a priority for her. If there's some things on there that are low priority, get rid of them.

Thanks jb. The area I plan to spend the most time on is the bullet list. I think that is what's most important for the letter.

Again IMO, I think you should just apologize instead of asking for her forgiveness. Stick to what you control, which is you. (And btw, I think it goes without saying that you're motivated by a hope that your letter improves her opinion of you. It's pretty low key and focuses on you, and I personally don't see the harm in that. Sending it after the D seems pointless, to me.

Thank you for your thoughts adinva. I only mentioned my motivation for the letter because someone asked me specifically (I think 25). I'm with you on your thoughts of sending it before the D though. Ideally I'd like to send in the middle of the coming week but as CS said, I'll need to take time to see if it feels right. If I don't think that it is the right time to send it, I may not send it at all.

The sad part, which really I struggle with, there is a very good chance both of us will have moved on.

All that growing while our W's were just spinning..... once they stop. She will see the new you and wonder WTH she was doing.

But there is a good chance you, and I, will have met someone else, someone else who would probably fight just as hard for you as you did for your W.

Try and picture that. What will I do when W or XW eventually reaches out and she will, they all do at some point.

Finah,

I struggle here a great deal. To be honest, I'm actually afraid of that or rather afraid that I'll have difficulty moving on. Not necessarily FROM her but TO anyone else. I'm not sure if what I just typed makes sense...can't really put it into words what I'm trying to convey maybe.

Your W has made it very evident that she doesn't want you in her life anymore, so give her a heaping helping of space. Good for you, and good for her, too. Gives her time to think about what she might be missing, and gives you time to heal.

Nothing is louder or more resounding now than your silence.

This is good for me to read west. I guess seeing it in "print" reiterates that we've gone down this path because SHE has chosen to. I know it will sound silly but I guess I find myself wondering why did she bother to text me on my birthday back in May (even though she was in Vegas when she texted me)...I guess that was her way of being able to say to herself that she's still being nice to me in spite of or something. Ultimately, it can't have any impact on what I decide to do.

[MadeToSucceed]

I don't see what you have to lose by waiting to send the letter, til LATER.

For me, I just believe IF I decide to send it I need to do so before things are all said and done. That's just what feels right for me. Ultimately she's going to perceive it however she wants to before OR after. All I can do is be honest and put the focus as much on me as possible in the letter and hope that at some point she reflects on it...maybe later rather than sooner...maybe never.

Sending her anything on her birthday is SO LIKE WHAT you have been doing all along, I see no upside at all.

Just looks weak & like more inconsistency on your end --as in NO CHANGE.

Can't you show some discipline and CHANGE this ONE time -when it counts?

Geez, this is the one thing you can do BEFORE the divorce that demonstrates change....

In May she texted me on my bday even though she was in Vegas doing God knows what. I guess for some reason that was kind of sticking with me. Despite the fact that she probably did it in part to be able to tell herself she was treating me nicely during this ordeal, I still think she was sincere in wishing me a happy birthday.

Also, I have shown discipline during this. I'm not ALL weak and the "same." I never contacted her before or after she ran. That was the first time I'd ever done that and so I stood strong there. The more I'm thinking on it, the more I'm leaning towards not sending anything. IF something changes my mind and I decide to it will ONLY be to say "Happy Birthday" and nothing more. I guess for me, I can still move on but be me as well. I know much of this has to be calculated but its also life and not a game. I at times feel like I shouldn't let the situation dictate who I am as a person.

I DO definitely see what you and jb are saying here. I don't really agree or disagree...I guess I'm still just trying to wade through my feelings on it.

my concern with your post is that MTS fears his wife or HE will move on so he clings to contact of all types...it's WHY he clings...he cannot imagine OW for him...ever...

And this fear slows down his detachment. Which slows down his GAL and moving on and all of that, imo, reduces the chance his w will return.

MTS, the good thing you have going for you and your w is that you two have serious history together. When the dust settles, she'll still miss your friendship and she'll allow all the positive memories and good feelings to resurface.

You'll be in great shape physically (as an athlete and semi public person, she probably loves it when you are in top shape, more than a lot of women. So keep up the work outs!!)

You'll be in great shape spiritually and mentally and emotionally, if you work the program b/c the program works.

MTS do you see that detachment and GAL and moving on, do NOT = giving up?

I sure Hope so.

THIS is the root of my struggle.

I do fear "life after." I miss the companionship. I guess deep down inside I'm more afraid of becoming hardened. I KNOW I can move on from her if I HAVE to but I'm honestly scared of whether or not I'd ever be able to move TO someone else. I'm scared of not being able to trust a woman again. I'm afraid that if this doesn't somehow work out, I'll be alone. I've known this woman for 7 years...and just like they were some of the best of her life, they were some of the best of mine. I guess I'm just scared of the fact that if a woman that I've known for 7 years is capable of this...what is someone I've known for 7 minutes capable of?

It's kind of confusing to me....I know it's not healthy to worry about that but I do. I enjoy being a husband. I've greatly been looking forward to starting a family...and I don't even know where I'd BEGIN to look for another woman. I don't do the club scene anymore...and when I do I don't feel comfortable and definitely am not looking for a W there....I know that's a long ways off and ultimately that if this does end in us never R then God has something better planned for me. It's just the human side of me struggles with the concept.

So you're right...I'm delaying some of my detachment because of my fear of an uncertain future and as much as I pray on it, I'm having trouble putting it into application.

[Finah]

MTS

I know what you mean about moving on.

We are a lot alike in some aspects as I deal with the same thoughts as you.

Ditto on the whole club/bar scene

But I know your uncertainty, my W and I grew up together, lived together under my parents roof, my mom practically adopted her in HS b/c her parents were never there for her, she is all I know, literally all I know.

It's sickening, both of our families are well off, you want to know how many times her parents called to see where there 16 year old daughter was at 3, 4, 5 am in the morning every night?

Zero.

My W parents are the result of an affair, they got married. You see the affects?

It's a tragedy.

She is not only betraying me, but has hurt my mother deeply.

It's gut wrenching I know how you feel.

I'll add more in a bit. I am just rambling. You are not alone man. I'm there w/ u.

[25yearsmlc]

MTS,

Well, a crappy date of significance is coming up for you, and it is really hitting you hard. I get that.

You wrote:
I do fear "life after." I miss the companionship. I guess deep down inside I'm more afraid of becoming hardened. I KNOW I can move on from her if I HAVE to but I'm honestly scared of whether or not I'd ever be able to move TO someone else.

MTS, of course you miss companionship. It's a crucial function of marriage. And you went from having a roomate, companion and lover, and a future planned, to having no one there. I get it, man I do.

I'm scared of not being able to trust a woman again. I'm afraid that if this doesn't somehow work out, I'll be alone.


Man I love your frankness. This^^^ is absolutely the biggest core fear we ALL have.

We fear being alone when our kids go off to college. We fear being alone when we are dateless two Saturdays in a row.

And we certainly fear being alone when we are rejected.

Total honesty on your end. But please, please, don't ever hold her behavior against the rest of the female gender. Most w's don't cheat.

And you'll be very careful with your next partner whether it's your w or someone else.

YOU are different now. So the next R will be different too. Remember that.

You also said:

I've known this woman for 7 years...and just like they were some of the best of her life, they were some of the best of mine. I guess I'm just scared of the fact that if a woman that I've known for 7 years is capable of this...what is someone I've known for 7 minutes capable of?


Amen MTS...amen. The floor got yanked out from under you. The person you heard vows from (and made to) broke hers in a pretty public way.

That hurts.

When my h of 25 years actually drove off to live 300 miles away from us, (and one year later he moved 3000 miles away) our 3 kids and I stood in the driveway...and it was surreal.

NIghtmarishly surreal.

And MTS, if I could learn to trust THAT man again, you can trust someone too.

I'm here to say, It can be done my friend.

You also wrote:

. I enjoy being a husband. I've greatly been looking forward to starting a family...and I don't even know where I'd BEGIN to look for another woman. I don't do the club scene anymore...and when I do I don't feel comfortable and definitely am not looking for a W there..


First, I love that you said you love being a h. Beautiful. And MTS, the right women will sense this. Women who want a relationship won't flee and those who just want superficial stuff will. It's like a built in screening process.

Second, your comment about meeting women in bars is spot on. Honestly, how would someone come to expect a real r from meeting in a bar. I mean it's possible but is it as likely to be lasting?

I meet men when I work, when I do parenting things. at the store, in classes I've taken, at political evnts and discussion groups. And of course, at church...

You'll meet them MTS, oh yeah. It will up to YOU when you are ready to act on that.

My point is, But don't fear not meeting them!! And don't fear meeting them either...

When you are ready, or when you are lonely enough, pray that God opens your heart and mind to the right woman, and in HIS time it will happen.


It's one thing to "think" all this; it's another to apply it, as you say. But that's kind of where we are here. We all have to realize/accept that

Where the head goes, the heart will follow...IN TIME...if you are open.

Hang in there MTS, you are about to turn a corner and see that you are right about what God has planned for you.

It's something special and it is on its' way. So Be open to receiving it!

[cam]

MTS.....you have basically outlined all my fears as well.
Where will I meet someone else, will I find someone else, will I have a family etc etc.
I guess we never know whats around the corner. For example, I have worked out I'm nowhere near ready to date, but the other day I met a beautiful girl who is my new manager at an ad agency I use. Her boss told me she's single and I should ask her out.....I won't, but it's nice to know they're out there.
Also apparently theres a man drought in Australia for women in their early to mid 30s, so it could be worse!
All I want in the world is my W back, but it will probably not happen.
But as 25 says, and many women I've spoken to about this, they are all different and all Rs are different. Most women I speak to say they would never walk away from a M for the reasons my W did. Some people just have different morals and ethics and are brought up differently.

[MadeToSucceed]

Made it through the weekend. I never contacted her. I avoided all social media so I wouldn't see anyone reaching out to her or her responding. One of our mutual friends (that is aware of what is going on...technically I guess would be more considered my W's friend even though I knew her first) contacted me yesterday "just to check on me." I told her I was fine. She asked what I've been up to and I just told her about me volunteering at the shelter and my new potential job opportunities. We talked about me wanting to do mission work...that kinda thing. I never acted "down" and I made it clear that I'm doing ok. She said she was happy for me and glad to hear I'm doing well. Highly doubt she was "fishing" for info for my W.

Sunday actually turned out to be ok. I went to my DivorceCare group and the topic was on Reconciliation. It was good for me and helped me to reaffirm that it was best I didn't contact her. Reconciliation takes two. Right now, it's only me. It's interesting because like jb, I'm the only guy in my group most days but the ladies welcome me and the group leader even told me in front of the group yesterday that they'd all gone out to eat for lunch last week and were talking about the fact that they admired my commitment and dedication to my M and the fact that I was going to the "right places" to get my help. That felt good to hear.

I watched some football and pretty much lounged around all day. Of course there was the inevitable sighting of OM #1 but that's fine. I took it in stride and never let myself get down. At least his team lost yesterday (even though he scored). Sunday night a friend not as privy to all the details said he ran into my W on Sat night at a club...said she tried to act like they were all buddy buddy and he kind of had to let her know they were never really that close. He said it was kind of odd. He doesn't know the details of our situation but he's only spoken to her once over the phone and that was when we were in college.

I'd actually put in to have today off and next Monday off back in January...the plan was that I was going to do something for my W for both her birthday this past weekend and our anniversary next weekend...I forgot to take it off the calendar. At any rate...I have today off so I slept in. Did a devotional this morning. Ran a couple errands. Waiting on some clothes to finish washing now. Catching up on some school work before class tonight.

[westcoastfella]

Good show, bud. I think that you did the right thing. There's really no doubt that she has noticed that out of all of the people wishing her a happy b-day, she's noticed that you've gone unexpectedly silent...and why wouldn't she wonder about the meaning of it?