OK, you're going to hate me saying it... but I'm already into a lot of those GAL activities. That's kind of been one of my main points in this thread. Which is one reason I'm enjoying myself quite a lot (except for the lack of sex). It's not resulting in sex however.
I'm quite used to hearing people assuming that the reason I'm not having sex is because I haven't yet done such-and-such. And when I tell them I'm already doing, or have done, such-and-such, they get annoyed.
So people assume I haven't done GAL because I'm not having sex. And if I claim I'm happy (partly because I"m already doing GAL) people assume I can't be happy because I'm not having sex. And yet you're suggesting that if I do GAL, even with no sex, I'l be happier.
OK, just picking at the details here, but you have to see how it sounds from my point of view.
Just saw a little bit of the Dr. Phil show today about the guy with three wives. Cute wives! Not sure I could put up with 24 kids, though. But his wives -- I get horny just thinking about them. Hey, if one of them was like my wife, I'd still have two to go! Well, you can certainly see why that arrangement appeals to me.
I got a laugh out of his intro when he said, "If I call them wives it's criminalized. If I call them mistresses it's not a problem."
1st, part of GAL is doing something different; it involves "change." You indicate that you are doing all kinds of GAL activities. You may be doing activities, but certainly there are challenges that you haven't yet taken up that would involve "change" that would make you a better person.
Speaking of being a better person, having an affair, or "non-criminal mistresses (plural however it is spelled) isn't really making one a better person. I seriously hope you were joking about the arrangement of multiple wives appealing to you, as you seem to have your hands full with one wife.
I find Schnarch's PM where he talks about marriage as being one of the hardest things one can do, as it stetches your inner self beyond its comfort zone to be right on target.
If you read some of MWD's articles on coping with affairs, that really adds a complicating factor to reconciliation of a marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I can understand an affair and why one might contemplate such a thing, but part of a real GAL program is bettering yourself and that can be physically, spiritually, and intellectually.
Having an affair, IMO, doesn't really make anything better. In fact it might be a subconscious method of sabatoging a marriage.
When I was contemplating possibly divorcing my wife, in addition to promising myself that I would be in a loving relationship by a certain date, I also promised myself that I would would not date or have a relationship until well after a divorce was finalized. From what I have learned about relationships, and the grieving process one really does need to take some time to get over things before one gives one's heart free reign.
As to 25yearsmlc, I think she was brave in looking herself in the mirror and recognizing she was on a slippery slope headed toward an affair, but figured out how to do other things and avoid having an affair. She was also brave for sharing what she said and walking the talk on her marriage.
Ssmguy, I would like to go back to something that 25yearsmlc asked you a few pages back and that is that you probably need to really dig deeper to find out what is at the root of your wife's problems.
If you have given up, that I understand. I might be wrong, but when I compare your responses to those of the Captain's you don't seem like you have fully accepted and come to peace with your position on your ssm situation and honoring your status as a married man.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
You stated, "I'm quite used to hearing people assuming that the reason I'm not having sex is because I haven't yet done such-and-such. And when I tell them I'm already doing, or have done, such-and-such, they get annoyed."
THEY GET ANNOYED! Really? What responses have given you that impression? I find people who post here incredibly compassionate and eager to help. If you are reading that as annoyance, I wonder why.
I have noticed that you want to make it clear that, first, you don't believe anything you could do would improve your M, and second, that your SSM status is entirely your W's responsibility and you have not contributed to it in any way (except through having naive expectations when you married). If anyone does get frustrated, I would think it would be by that kind of victim mentality.
THEY GET ANNOYED! Really? What responses have given you that impression? I find people who post here incredibly compassionate and eager to help. If you are reading that as annoyance, I wonder why.
Not necessarily in this forum. It's easy to feel that maybe "but all you say is that you've tried this, etc." is with a bit of impatience, if not annoyance. Not that they're wrong to think that, of course.
Quote:
I have noticed that you want to make it clear that, first, you don't believe anything you could do would improve your M,
I never said that. I can't think of anything I haven't tried, and I'm not hearing anything I basically haven't tried. I'm figuring there might be things I don't know. And Rumsfeld might add there might be things I don't know that I don't know, ha ha.
Quote:
and second, that your SSM status is entirely your W's responsibility
Where did I say that? Except maybe one could draw that inference by my simply listing the things I have tried.
Quote:
and you have not contributed to it in any way (except through having naive expectations when you married).
Where did I say that? Of course I've contributed to it. There are probably things I could have done that would have been more effective for her.
[qutoe]If anyone does get frustrated, I would think it would be by that kind of victim mentality.
Am I a victim just because I haven't succeded in solving the problem to my satisfaction? Am I a victim simply because I've stayed in the marriage? Am I a victim just because I'm complaining and not getting results? Sure, I could have gotten a divorce and then people would say I'm not a victim.
This is too complicated! I just want to get laid and have fun!
I seriously hope you were joking about the arrangement of multiple wives appealing to you, as you seem to have your hands full with one wife.
Maybe you'll identify a new problem with me, but I'll just be honest and say, sorry but it does appeal to me. And no, I don't have my hands full with my wife, especially literally! ;-)
Quote:
Having an affair, IMO, doesn't really make anything better. In fact it might be a subconscious method of sabatoging a marriage.
And what, cause my wife to cut me off sexually? ;-) Just kidding, I couldn't resist.
Quote:
When I was contemplating possibly divorcing my wife, in addition to promising myself that I would be in a loving relationship by a certain date, I also promised myself that I would would not date or have a relationship until well after a divorce was finalized. From what I have learned about relationships, and the grieving process one really does need to take some time to get over things before one gives one's heart free reign.
I understand that as far as deeply loving and emotional relationships. But quite aside from that, it should be mentioned that many people these days are quite OK with friends-with-benefits hookups, especially for these in-between times. I know many will say such things always end badly, etc., but that's just not true for some people.
Quote:
Ssmguy, I would like to go back to something that 25yearsmlc asked you a few pages back and that is that you probably need to really dig deeper to find out what is at the root of your wife's problems.
That's a tough one because she needs to want to help with that. If she had been willing to discuss that, I might have solved my problem long ago and I wouldn't be posting here.
Quote:
If you have given up, that I understand.
Not given up. Just tell me something I haven't tried.
Quote:
I might be wrong, but when I compare your responses to those of the Captain's you don't seem like you have fully accepted and come to peace with your position on your ssm situation and honoring your status as a married man.
Not sure exactly what all that means. But no, I'm certainly not at peace with my ssm situation.
In very long-term SSM's like TeaEarlGreyHot's and mine, the perspective changes in ways that is hard for others to understand. In my case, it's led to a situation where I know I can get through it, as opposed to initial feelings long ago when I felt "there is no way I can handle this in the long run!" And I take it just one day at a time and worry less about the long term. Perhaps I'm lulled into a false sense of hope...but like I said, I don't worry about it!
Part of the alterered perspective is that I'm somtimes amazed to realize that other couples actually have sex on a regular basis. I even shake my head for a moment and marvel, "how the heck do they pull that off?" "How does he convince her to sleep with him on a regular basis?" Etc. And then I realize, wow, my perspective has really gotten skewed.
A victim mentality refers to blaming others for what's wrong in one's world, and/or thinking that the future cannot hold any hope of improvement. Your life seems full in many ways, but when you describe being trapped by your W's choices, it does come out as victim-speak. At the same time, you've discussed the impossibility of making changes yourself for fear you'd find yourself in a worse situation--and take great delight in pointing out those whose sexual situations are less than ideal.
So, of the options you give above, I'd choose #2: you're a victim because you're complaining and not planning on doing anything about it.
Richard Bach said, "If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.” How could you take responsibility for your situation? Or, as YAH wisely suggests, how could you come to peace with your ssm situation, and make it your choice as well?
Hello! I've been reading along and I see a flaw in both your and Tea's arguments. It's always "I've already done that. Tell me something new."
Something new? No, go back and start from the beginning. You are missing a vital part of life. Don't give me all the "if she was sick" balogny. Start a clock. Set a boundary. Start over and do things many times. Ram your head against the wall, breach the gap. Think if this as your "D" day. There is an insurmountable obstacle. Your job is to make it less so.
So you've tried something. So what? Try again. If you want to continue to live in a sexless marriage just continue with what you've done. It's obviously working for you, right? I mean, you think you've done it all, seen it all and you're willing to just sit there and let your life drip away until you're too old and feeble.
Sex is good for you! If you are in an unhealthy relationship and your partner doesn't want want to change make a decision! Would you still be there saying "but I tried to get her not to drink" or "I tried to convince her not to use drugs"?
I wouldn't and I don't think you should either. Now, get to work on it.
