W is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants a D but can't stand to be away form the kids. After dinner last night she was saying goodbye to the kids. Said it was fun and we "may need to make it a regular thing". She keeps saying she wants to do things "for the kids" but did finally admit yesterday that they were for her too. Her BS facade seems to be wavering slightly.
I'm not sure exactly what's going on with her. She also said she may now want to stay in my investment house. Not really considering moving closer to the town she wants to live in.
Not spending time thinking about her motivations. Just going to be as pleasant as possible and maintain GAL and DB activities.
Ok…looking for feedback on this specific situation.
W continues to try to see kids during “my time” with them. She lives about 4 miles away. Sunday she called wanting to see them. I had her over for Dinner and it went well. FYI, I got them on Saturday and I have them until tomorrow (Weds) night.
Today I had to stop by her place to fix something. She asked if I wanted to bring them to her house for Dinner tonight. WTH???
Should I keep giving into these requests or should I avoid them? On one hand, I have an opportunity to DB and be positive, on the other she is having her cake and eating it to. She hates being away from the kids more than anything.
What do you think?
FYI, if I requested to see them during “her time” I’m sure she’d allow it.
My gut tells me to not allow her to see them during my time. She needs to really feel what D is. Am I painting myself as a “bad guy” again if I refuse her visits?
If you refuse, would that then create a wedge if you wanted to see them during W's time
I have a similar sort of issue in that w takes D14 to get her hair cut in "my time" and w is taking S12 to get footy boot tomorrow eve (again in my time)
This creates no hardship for me, if it does for you or you honestly feel she is eating pie, then that's up to you
But
Be prepared for any possible repercussions
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
RO, I'm not sure why you are calling it cake eating. She wants a D from YOU not your kids. Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh.
Obviously she IS feeling what D would be like.. that's why she is reaching out for more time with the kids. So you don't need to make her feel that.
Btw - it's not okay to use your children to teach w life lessons.
Now if you feel it is confusing your children or is harming them in anyway... that's a different story.
Make plans with your kids that don't include your w. You can't bring them over for dinner because you are taking them out to the movies... or whatever.
Don't use it as a tactic to get at w. Do it because you don't see your children half of the week.. so the time you have with them is extra special to you! Does that make sense?
Put your children ahead of your w's needs AND your needs. Be the best Dad you can be now.. and let the cards fall where they may.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
O[i]bviously she IS feeling what D would be like.. that's why she is reaching out for more time with the kids. So you don't need to make her feel that.[/i]
Just said something similar to my friend I was just updating
Something like
I don't need to make w feel more guilty, she has enough of that already
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
RO, IMO it's OK to allow her to spend time with the kids. Make sure it's convenient for you. I don't see any reason you should go out of your way to accommodate all of her requests. If you're busy, you're busy. If you have GAL plans that involve the kids, then I guess they're not available.
One thing to remember is your W is still their Mom. It's not a bad thing that she still wants to see the kids. I've seen some WASs that don't want to have anything to do with their kids.
If you let her see the kids, it may open the door to some more cooperation.
I don't want to keep them from her as a punitive thing. I do see my time with my kids as very special right now. Sometimes our GAL activities are just hanging out at home and playing video games or football. Tough to come up with a nice way to tell her I don't want her around the house during these times.
Is it helping my chances of R if she only experiences the positive parts of the D? Shouldn't she have to experience the full D experience before it is final? Isn't that the point of seperation? Trying to answer these questions in my head with regards to the best chance of saving my M. I have been nothing but nice the vast majority of the time and she is farther away now than ever.
I know she wants to D me. One of the by products of that is that she loses 50% of her time with our kids. Sounds tough but thats the reality. Should she have to face that reality? Would facing that reality help her reconsider her ridiculous decision? Does me not making her face that reality hurt my kids chances of having their family unit preserved? I don't know. What I do know is that I was supposed to have the kids for 4 days and she was with us for part of 3 of them.
One of the main reasons I am hesitant to let her in on my time is that her presence upsets me a lot of the time. Her negativity and occasional jabs at my integrity are not welcome on "my time". I feel that the time I have with the boys should be as happy and peaceful as possible.
I plan to be a little liberal with my time with the boys as long as she doesn't make it unpleasant. So far she hasn't. I basically told her this yesterday.
I am going to take advantage of the opportunity to be pleasant to my W and DB.
This just seems like a tight rope. We have 50/50 custody. Her presence during my time takes away from quality time between my kids and me. Maybe that sounds selfish but it is an issue for me.
I realize it sounds like I'm talking in circles here...I am. There are no clear answers. I am trying to do what I feel gives us the best chance of saving our M. I feel doing that gives my kids the best chance at true happiness.
You're feedback is much appreciated and helpful.
BTW, I hope it's not perceived that I obsess about these things....I don't. These are just some thoughts I have that I struggle to answer. I need to do a better job at posting the positive things that I think about!!!
W has been very nice to me since I confronted her about her negativity and projections of dishonesty she has been throwing my way. Funny how that happens.
I have found my mojo. I’ve missed it. My “swagger” is coming back too!!!!
A couple of days ago W asked me to come watch the kids early this morning because she had to run out for about an hour. I said sure. I made a “joke” and said something to the effect of “I might be wrong here but it sounds like you might want me to stay over the night before”. I know, I know….
Had an interesting TM interaction with her last night. Went like this….
W “Sorry I sounded short on the phone. I just get frustrated with the jokes” “none of this is funny and you are making me feel uncomfortable” “I don’t like to talk to you when you do that” “If you aren’t going to be nice then I’ll figure out how to live without any help from you.
M “Jokes about what? Coming over tonight?” “I don’t think this is funny either and I don’t want to upset you”.
W “yes”
M “I’m sorry for that. I see how it could upset you. Last thing I wanted to do. Thanks for telling me”.
W “I appreciate you trying to hear what I am trying to tell you. Good Night.
M “ Good night”
This was the first time in a loooong time that she has really said anything positive to me or acknowledged any changes in me. Probably doesn’t mean too much. I do need quit the jokes about us. It’s an instinct to make jokes to “lighten the mood”.
GAL activities are going well. Been to the Y several times. Have reconnected with some old friends and plan to have some people over this weekend. Also going to a friends house to watch some football. Going to start building some furniture to replace what she took. That will keep me busy for several days.
I have 2 interviews today and am feeling very confident about getting a job in the near future. That would be huge.
So my Mom called me Saturday and recommeded that I go see "Courageous" Since it's the first time she's ever recommended I see a movie, I thought I should go I went to see it today (by myself which is way out of character). I would recommend it to all parents.
I have been keeping very busy. Very little time to think about W.
She has been oddly nice the last few days. Even left me a VM today apologizing for getting upset at me last night. Didn't even realize she really got upset at me to be honest. It was certainly a a lot milder than the venom that's been slung my way over the last three months.
.