Thanks AC. I have tried to use the stranger method. I will always be polite to a stranger. That has helped me latetly. Yes today something happened to my brain. I felt that I needed to let go and get a gripp of myself. I don't konw if I will be ok being alone but time will tell.b Sorry about what happened to you last night. We really are imperfect beings you know.
On another note. My boss just came to check in on me. She knows about my sitch. She is a workout buff. Goes to the Y everyday. she said to me that I was in good company that most of the guys at Y were getting a D. In fact she said one of the guys there his W threw him out 1.5 years ago and he ended up in the hospital last week. She said he has not been able to move forward. She told me that I seem to be dealing with it better than I have been. Guess that's a good thing. She said "once you put yourself in the market you will have lots of choices, women always like you" I didn't know what to say other that is the last thing I'm thiking of. She is trying to be supportive.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Val, good points. FYI...I'm not a champion of seperation by any means. It certainly isn't the answer to all problems and I certainly wouldn't force my spouse out of the home if they didn't want to leave and I was trying to save my M. My W wanted to leave and I resisted because of the kids. Once she got what she wanted, she calmed considerably and has actually been pretty nice since.
Taking 25's GAL advice would ceratinly be a great alternative. Get out of the house and do things you enjoy. It will cheer you up, clear your head and make you feel good about yourself.
One other major thing I would recommend is to respect yourself and don't allow your W to disrespect you. Having a disagreement is one thing if it gets to the point when the purpose of her words is to belittle or paint you as something you are not, I would recommend letting her know NICELY. My W used to project all sorts of things on me and I finally stood up for myself by basically telling her I am a good man and that I won't let her tell me I'm not. It really seem to back her off quite a bit.
You need to get to the point in your life when you can see the possibility of living with or without her. This is very difficult but it is necessary. 25's and Val's advice will help get you to that point. I recently got there and it had two clear results. First, my confidence is back and I feel great about myself and my future. Secondly, the first makes me more attractive to my W and others.
Make a list of the things you like to do and DO THEM.
Good luck to you Rick. This is very tough and I'm sorry you're going through it. Stay strong.
I saw my IC last night. Pretty interesting session. She said that it is strange that W wants a D after me losing my tempter. She said most women would not do this unless they are having an A. I said my W does not dress as if she is having an A but I don't know. She asked what I loved about her, trully I could not come up with a reason right away. But I said I loved her mild, quiet and introverted demeanor. She said that W is passive but more aggressive. She said W has controlled me with her demeanor even if she isn't saying anything. Yes she has made all of the decisons in our M. We talked about diciplining the dogs and D. I said dogs do what ever they want and so does D. She was shocked. She asked why I don't say anything to W. I said I have but she always comes back with "why are you so mean". When I have only said the dogs need to stop eating the carpet, chitting and peeing all over the floor, leaking the couches till they are soaked. if I say don't do that to one of the dogs she acts as if am abusing him. So I do nothing. She pretty much said "you need to get a spine", WTH? I thought I had one but she echoed what 25 and Sandi have said about me. She asked what I feared about the D the most. I said my W has been my best friend my entire life. She said that's not true and she really has not been your best friend. She you can get companionship from a dog, sex from a prostitute so you really don't need a W. I said well I don't think I would visit a prostitute but told her that last Saturday a couple of attractive females hit on me. She said you are an attractive man, with a deep voice and a sexy accent, yuk!!! So my boss and my IC said the same thing to me on the same day. I guess I should feel good at least about that. We ended the session by her saying " it is a pleasue getting to know you. I said like wise, but it is a greater pleasure getting to know me". W left the outside lights and made me dinner, I said thank you.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Nice Rick1963, that was some good affirmation from your IC. One thing to be aware of -- it's always tempting to view your IC as an authority because of the setting you're in and the training they've received. Always remember that they are people too and have their own prejudices and hurts that are reflected in how they interpret a situation and in the advice they give. I can tell you that my IC said things about my W that I initially believed and it hurt more than it helped. Listen to what they say, but evaluate it against your own intuition. Based on the posts above and your IC session, it appears folks think you're not demanding enough respect from your W. Demanding respect will make her upset in the moment, but over time will make her happier. Read "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." and "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
AC yes my IC is somewhat right but not fully. The problem is that I'm a big dude and my W is very thin, shy, soft, introverted looking so when I speak to her it is as if I being rough. So I backed off. People have always commented as to why she M me. That she is too nice for me, in a joking manner, but you never know. So I am learning to be firm without getting or looking angry but sticking to my decision. In looking back I think her being passive/aggressive got me pissed. I wished I know that that is what was happening. I'm not saying I don't have flaws I do.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I need advice. I have a female that works for me. She has been working for me since she got out of college. She is in her early 30's. She has been having marital problems, H is a procrastinator and irresponsible with paying bills. She has been evicted 2x's in the past 4-6 months. I don't know all of the details since it is not appropriate to ask. I been struggling with the fact that this site exists and she doens't know. This site has pretty much saved my life and sanity and I know it will help her. I know she sees a psychiatrist. She is the WAW and she is pretty much a mess.They have a 2 years old. But if I guide to this site she will find my stich and I don't want that. Feel guilty about this. What do you think?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Instruct her about a fantastic pair of books called Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy...
You do not need to tell her about this site or that you are on it...
The information or ability to grasp that this site is available, will be available to her...
If she finds her way here, good for her... She may or may not know enough info about you to determine whether you are posting here or not...
And if she does... so what...? We are all human... Our experiences are not much different than any other person who goes through this stuff... just different perspectives...
Thanks KD you are right. I was thinking of changing my screen name too. I care very much for her she is like a D to me. Let me tell you the experience I had with my her. She just walked into my office and said "Rick I'm filling for a D, we have moved 4x's in 5 months, my S2 needs a stable home". She had a smile while she was telling me this about filling for a D. I have seen that smile before when people have planned out their suicides and were serious about it. A look of satisfaction and relief. She was cold and stern. This was an experience for me. Talking to someone elses WAW. Knowing what I know I said to take her time and to think hard. She asked about legal matters as they have incurred debt due to H's behavior. She said she's filling for a D today. I said see an L and get some information 1st it will be a free consult. I said what my L told me. Every asset and debt will be split 50/50. That includes 401k savings and any debt. Her eyes pooped out of her sockets. I told her to not rush into anything. Her affect changed within seconds she looked shocked and was shaking. She said that now that she knows this she will take her time and do some research and not rush the D. I think the WAW are as afraid and more confused than the LBS. She said she has not slept in 2 nights. Hopefully I helped.
I'm hoping my W will have the same change of heart. I will talk to her about the books KD.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Not sure what is happening but D14 is cold towards me. She forgot her keys this morning and TM saying she was stying at her friends house till I got home. Left work 2 hrs early and said I was home she TM said she will be home in a while. On top of it, got home to letters from both our L's so I'm pretty down right now.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
