Awesome Bill, thanks. Man, do I agree..especailly the newcomer comment.
PEI-my heart goes out to you. Especially, when I see the little kids' ages. I have four and I honestly tear up when I see others with the little kids. Much empathy to you and yours.
Where I struggle now is feeling good about GALing, dark/dim, etc. and lately, w really seems to want to engage more each time we exchange kids and see the look in her eyes that I know is for real. So confusing for me to deal with. It's like she wants me to figure something out. I can't figure out why she's so much nicer now compared to spring with all the venom spewed.
Anyone else vacilate between letting go and spouse wanting to communicate more? Loaded question, I know, but fear WAW looks at dark of me being distant again and same behavior.
PEI- yes, the paradox is interesting, isn't it. I copied and pasted your learned comments into a word doc. for later use. Thank you. So many Angels here, truly.
PEI-my heart goes out to you. Especially, when I see the little kids' ages. I have four and I honestly tear up when I see others with the little kids. Much empathy to you and yours.
Thank you direction1.
Please don't have any sadness for me. Although I won't ever deny that the relationship could have been saved, I wouln't trade a minute of the past year and a half to get it back. Honestly. My children are happy and thriving. They have a mommy and a daddy who love them very much. I have a very open dialogue with my kids and treat them with a huge amount of respect and honesty.
Feel free to catch up on my thread PEI's current thread with links to past threads..., I am happy. I am in a good place thanks, in very large part, to those angels you speak of and a lot of hard work on my part. Good days and bad moments now ...
Thank you again Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I started out intending to write a great big update ... but honestly, it’s beautiful here and I just don’t feel like being long winded, lol (zip it Mach!) ...
Here are a few tidbits...
I’m moving, in short, the house I was in was privately financed and the guy hasn’t been paying the mortgage with the money I’ve been depositing every month ... silver lining is I can get out from under this pig now (there was no equity anyway) and get a smaller, more manageable place.
kids are great and happy to be back in school (for the most part!)
I’m doing up my divorce petition and filing as soon as I have it ready.
I’m back to work after having half the summer off ... ugh ... lol
StbxH and GF have bought a house, kids are excited to be moving ... twice! Lol.
I have a wonderful BF (3 mos now) who continues to amaze and impress me - without trying! Lol. He had his own checklist of what he wanted in a partner/R and he’s very committed to it. So far, we’re a really good match. :o) We’re having a blast getting to know each other, and enjoying every minute of it!
Well ... and as Cadet has pointed out ... it’s my 37th Birthday!
I have a lot of feelings today as I reflect on the last year or so .... mostly, I am just grateful!
Grateful to be waking up on this side of the grass! Grateful for all of my friends and family! Grateful for my children! Grateful for my health! Grateful for my BF and the fun we have! Grateful for having been given an opportunity, and a challenge, to become the woman I’ve always wanted to be!
Thank you all for being part of that journey!
Love, PEI
Someone once pondered “Doesn’t it bother you to be growing older?” to which their companion replied “It sure beats the hell out of the alternative, dying young!”
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Interesting thread. I've learned so much it's hard to put it into words sometimes. But helpful just the same.
I've read the thread and see a lot of things I've also read. But I do not regret the time I spent trying. I don't regret that I put that effort in. That's part of me.
At the same time, I get friends that ask me questions about me that I have a hard time answering. Hard may not be the right word. Embarrassing might be better. I am asked about my life and I look at the things that ex encouraged and discouraged in me. I look back and see the jealousy. Jealous about my time or successes. I see that and I think, "gee, that's not very loving". That leads to me thinking about the relationship I thought I had and what I really had. While I don't regret any of it, I do see that I want more. Better.
Was I asleep? I don't think so. I had different goals. Different dreams.
What I do know is that I don't want to go back to that. For any price..
Do I still love my ex? Yes. But in the same way? Not in the least. I think that's why the Greek language has more types of 'love' than the english language. There are different types.
I am not attracted to ex. I am not "in love" with ex. I wish her well and hope she does fine. I hope she finds the happiness and satisfaction she is looking for.
Did it have to be this way? No. Can it be better? Absolutely. Just not with ex. Ok.
I learned about boundaries. Setting and enforcing them more vigorously.
I learned that I am not willing to put up with that type of junk.
I learned that leaving the relationship was something we both had to do. I left just as much as she did. I just did it later than she did.
I learned that respect really is as important as I thought it was.
I learned that I lost me along the way. I learned to find me.
I learned that the time spent is not time wasted. I would do it all again. Easier knowing what I know now.
I learned that people sometimes need to run away. I learned I cannot understand that. I learned to accept both.
I learned that people are people. None of us are better than others.
I learned the limits of my patience. I have limits, but I've seen them now.
I learned that things are much sweeter after the bitterness.
I've learned that I prefer reality to my fantasies. All of the reality and not just the good.
I've learned that if I accept the good, implicitly I accept the bad.
I've learned that what I thought was good may not have been and I've learned that what I thought was bad may have been good. I learned to wait and see which is which.
I've learned perpective.
I've learned to love me again.
I've learned a lot.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It occurs to me that many mental health providers argue over the term "mlc". I think I see why now. Labels can be very misguiding. They can also be irrelevant.
In the case of MLC that's a very broad term used to describe a wide array of things. That said, the question of does it matter? has to be asked.
I don't think it does matter really. What matters are actions. Choices. The reasons are really unimportant in the scheme of things.
I learned that even though on some levels I knew that prior. Perhaps I've learned things I've known. To be pondered....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM - I both agree and disagree with your post. I believe MLC exists. From our perspective, when we are dealing with it, especially in the early stages, the objective is our survival and how to rebuild our lives and flourish.
Some people are analysers and some are not. To the non analytical it doesn't really matter why. They are primarily active in their response, and get through it that way. Analysers want to know about the truck that hit them. That is the way they are made.
Obsessing about it isn't good, but wanting to understand it is just part of their make up, seems to me.
As to choice, I fully agree we are our choices, but when our view of reality is seriously distorted, as with 'hoarders', to take an obsessive rather than addictive example, they persuade themselves that their aberrant behaviour is normal. And this is what I believe the MCer does. They reduce their mental space, their capacity for making choices is reduced. They come to believe they had no choice.
Am I excusing the MLCer? No, I am trying to understand where they are at, and the futility of trying to apply normal 'rules' to them.
Our own life is important, our MLC spouse was an important part of that life, and we need to understand, at some point, what happened, what we contributed, and how we can develop. For me, an understanding of my xh is crucial to this, although I can see it may not be for everyone who posts here.
I am not, btw, advocating trying to 'understand' all the MLC utterances and specific crazy behaviours, except to see a pattern. Understanding a MLCer doesn't mean this - it is about understanding the underlying mental state, if we can and if we want to. There is no one way through MLC for the LBS and a variety of outcomes for us as well as them.
