Life, these guys are right. I asked 'Why' and I would still like to know the answer, but I am OK never knowing. The important thing is to get on with being the best person you can be, which includes continuing to be a great mother. You are all they have right now. It may not seem fair, but that is the reality, just as surely as if your h had been hit by a truck.
My h abandoned his children, and it really hurt them even though they were pretty much grown up.
If it helps, I believe that they are so focused on themselves [it is a CRISIS remember] that they cannot take the energy to consider the impact of their actions. Anyway, for whatever reason your h is ignoring his children, and they are hurt by it. You can't take the hurt away but you can help them deal with it in many ways. By dealing effectively with your own pain, by listening to them, and by occasionally telling them as much as is age appropriate if they are interested. By showing them that you are strong, and that it doesn't take another person to make you happy, you are teaching them a very powerful lesson. Children take in actions not words, just as the rest of us do. As adults we attach a lot of importance to words, and that isn't always wise!
Once you really shift the focus from your husband to yourself and your children the whole dynamic will change for the better, almost immediately. Trust us all on that. He is out to lunch and you are the ones that matter, also you can't do a thing about him.
I am continuing to move ahead. The question about OW was really just that- a question. I don't know why or how it will go in our m but was just wondering about that cause you read so much of how they greive when they lose or break up with that OP.
I know they "why's" don't matter. I will NEVER understand much of this. And, I do not plan to ask him either. Because either he lies or I might hear something I will never forget. WHy do that to myself. I find myself asking him less and less questions all the time.
As far as the kids- I was just wondering if it was still the shame keeping him away? BUt, I suppose I don't need to know that either. All I know is that it hurts the kids soooo much. The oldest even said again- maybe he just doesn't really like us.
Life, it is when the kids doubt the absent parent's love that you have to tell them and reassure them that he really loves them very much, but he isn't able to show it at the moment. Be honest and real. But it is the most awful thing for a child to ever doubt that they are loved by their parents. So how you handle this is crucial for them.
Because we are in our right minds we cannot imagine walking away like that, but we are not them.
Update: if anyone still here. I either blew it or I changed it up. I have the for a good 4 months with the excelption of a few slips spared my H and of my pain or anger. Well, that changed yesterday. He didn't hear any of the anger really but mostly just my hurt. And probably some of the hurt I have taken on for the kids. I know that is a not recommended in DBing but I also know it wasn't getting me closer to my goal by keeping it in. So, it came out. Not sure I intended for it to but it did. I am no longer that "light house". But, when does he ever get to see our/my pain? I feel like I have protected him/sheltered him from any consequences of his actions. So, bring it on. Have I pushed him further away? Cemented his choices? But, could really anything I say or do change his mind?
Update: if anyone still here. I either blew it or I changed it up. I have the for a good 4 months with the excelption of a few slips spared my H and of my pain or anger. Well, that changed yesterday. He didn't hear any of the anger really but mostly just my hurt. And probably some of the hurt I have taken on for the kids. I know that is a not recommended in DBing but I also know it wasn't getting me closer to my goal by keeping it in. So, it came out. Not sure I intended for it to but it did. I am no longer that "light house". But, when does he ever get to see our/my pain? I feel like I have protected him/sheltered him from any consequences of his actions. yes you have.
So, bring it on. Have I pushed him further away? Cemented his choices? Pushed him further? How far can he go since he's already living with OW? cement his choices?
Why do you see ANY relationship between your words/actions and his?
How could his behavior be worse? I'm serious. I guess he could refuse your calls? So far he doesn't intitate them. HE could do what else? Live with an OW? Oh he already does. Fight the divorce? No he's just fighting the money...
HIs choices have been to eat cake and hope you suck it up financially as long as he can keep you from wanting more. ONLY When you talk money, he shows up and cries and says "too bad I'm so bad you can't/won't forgive me (completely) b/c I'm so miserable...BUT I gotta go now, I miss OW and booze more than anything/anyone else - or at least more than I relish the idea of WORKING at a m...
too hard for ME... but um... SHE is a mistake and I DO miss you guys...(gee I sure hope those are enough scraps for you to hold off on filing...) Okay so... LATER....maybe..."
But, could really anything I say or do change his mind?
The ONLY thing he's even bothered to react to, that I recall, is you filing...
I'm sorry but you are staying in Stuckville too long; population you...
Move forward. Your h isn't the type to change fast, that's for sure.
It'll be awhile before he turns this around if and when he can or wants to enough or will. Live your life, please. I don't know how many other ways to say this Life.
Please go back and read the previous posts.
Good luck
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OUCH! Yes, you are right. I guess I hold onto his words too much. He says he doesn't want a divorce again. Well, prove it I said -again. BUt, I feel if I do what I just did maybe any chance where he really is reconsidering R I just squelched because of my venting. Mach- that is what I did. Good word for it. I feel like I was trying to make him hear/see how insane he sounds/is. "I don't want a d but, I will continue living with OW." Are you kiddding me? I did it cause it makes me feel better. Even for 10 seconds. I get to say my peace. How I feel cause he really doesn't care or ask or want to know. SO , I do it anyway, Pathetic. My ego seems to be a problem because I become really angry when I think of OW and how he has chosen her over me and kids. He says there is no R well really?! You are still there?!? He is still getting drunk and missing work or showing up late. This is still a problem he doesn't see. We (and I use that loosely) are working on paying off marital debts. I want to be able to do this without L because it will save me money. As far as my choices- I dwell on what I do. How it affects him. How he sees me. Dumb I suppose. I told him it is like he throws me a bone to hold me over and then walks away for a couple more weeks. I feel like a loser. I am acting like one too.
I feel like I was trying to make him hear/see how insane he sounds/is. "I don't want a d but, I will continue living with OW."
This was not about YOUR pain but HIS actions...
Have you not learned yet that there is little that you can say or do that is going to "wake him up" and get him to return?
Not even filing...
You think that these big things or dramatic things are gonna do it...
Truth is, it won't be something big more than likely. It may not even have anything to do with you or your children.
He could watch a news clip tomorrow about health care changes and THAT could be what does it, or not...
That is the cold reality of the insanity of MLC...
What seems logical is illogical...
Originally Posted By: Life
I did it cause it makes me feel better. Even for 10 seconds. I get to say my peace.
This is not serving your goal of reconciliation OR more importantly, your goal of healing...
The time will come when you can actually speak about your feelings regarding the entire situation...
That time isn't now...
He isn't able to hear it, and you are still too stuck in hurt and anger to adequately express what you are really feeling.
Life,
If you don't heal and grow and change, it won't make any difference if he comes home or not...
Or if you meet someone new or not...
You will always have relationship problems...
This isn't about you needing a man who doesn't drink or one who communicates better...
This isn't even about his MLC anymore...
This is about YOU, how you interact with people, how you interact with YOURSELF...
Sweetie, I haven't posted to you for a while, and I went back and read all of your posts in this thread...
You have called yourself and your actions pathetic, dumb, a loser...
You are none of those things.
Uncontrolled and impulsive...yes...
Impatient and frustrated...definately...
Still hoping that he is gonna wake up and rescue you from this nightmare...I think so...
Life, it's time to become your own Hero. Your own Knight In Shining Armor.
Find your power and use it to thrive, instead of giving it away to anyone who comes along...
I read you, and honestly, you remind me of a me from so long ago...
A me that developed over years. One that sucked at communication. One that went with the flow and held grudges and really never forgave anyone.
I wasn't always like this. I had to go through a lot of stuff, a long way back in my life, to uncover the things that added layer and layer to those bad behaviors, to get to the foundation of why I felt dumb, pathetic, weak, and powerless...
I had to stop making excuses for myself and my behavior.
I had to learn about MLC, the monster, not the specific man that was my H...
Then I had to learn about forgivness and unconditional love and how I defined those things...
I had to decide who I wanted to be, what I wanted to show to the world (and I needed to live it because otherwise, it was just another mask)...
It didn't happen overnight...
It started probably right around the 6 month mark for me...
It started because I made the decision that my H could dangle a thousand bones over my head, and it didn't matter anymore...
I needed to fix ME, before I could even consider fixing my M (although it was still the goal at the time), and I hoped and prayed everyday that he would use the time to fix himself, but I couldn't worry about that too much, I had WAY too much stuff of my own to deal with...
I didn't know where I was going to end up, and I was scared to death, but I knew that I couldn't stay where I was any longer...
It was time. Regardless of where my M ended up, it was time...
Time to stop talking and walk the walk...
Is it time for you?
Don't worry about the D process, reconciliation can happen with or without D papers...
Are you ready to get off the rollercoaster yet?
Are you ready to stop feeling like crap?
Are you ready to decide it is time that you love yourself first?
Are YOU worth at least giving it a shot?
I bet your children would answer yes to that question...
I promise it won't be easy. I promise there will be days you will want to quit.
I promise that you won't be alone. There are wonderful people here, who have walked similar paths...
Who will be here, every step of the way with you...
And I promise, what is on the other side, is worth all of the work...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
