Thank you for the replies. I don't want to be back here in a year. Never again. I won't make him climb Mt. Everest but what would be the boundaries or requirements? What do you suggest? Where to start?
Stay the course life. 25 gave good advice. Make him work at it just like you would a new man that you didn't trust yet.
It's getting to know and see if he is somebody new, right?
I agree with 25. As somebody who took my ex back too easily, I see the folly in that. Now
Until you trust, why would you have him come back? Don't make it impossible, but you should encourage that trust to be built.
Boundaries? What boundaries would you have with somebody new in your life?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
can't say what all the boundaries would be, but NO OW would be a minimal step...
of course, he could lie. Again...
and HIM initiating contact with the kids and spending time with them would be another. And seeing a c.
Those would be my minimal requirments. NO OW, seeing a c, and seeing the kids. THEN we could begin to piece...
and right now you are fearing "oh but that's too much for HIM"...and also knowing deep inside, it's really the LEAST he can do...
but probably won't....And that hurts.
But Life, that isn't on YOU. Don't take on any more of his choices, or their consequences. You have enough on your plate.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25- so you don't think he would be willing to do the above?^^^^ Because he is not there yet? Won't ever be? Or, is just pulling to wool over my eyes? I know he isn't there yet and I agree with what you wrote. He needs the c we both do. I will not take it on. He brought up a few things"if" he were to come home and I just listened. I knew it wasn't happening that night so just let him talk.
25- so you don't think he would be willing to do the above?^^^^ Because he is not there yet? Won't ever be? Or, is just pulling to wool over my eyes? I know he isn't there yet and I agree with what you wrote. He needs the c we both do. I will not take it on. He brought up a few things"if" he were to come home and I just listened. I knew it wasn't happening that night so just let him talk.
Gosh Life, I surely don't know what your h is willing or able to do. No crystal ball here.
But so far, he's done nothing but talk.
So You tell me, do YOU think he'll inititate and implement contact with the kids on his own, stop seeing OW, and go to c?
And Do you think he'll address his drinking?
(Personally, I would add attending AA meetings to at least assess the drinking, at a minimum...but I thought his coworkers said he got drunk w/OW.
If so, That IS absolutely a problem and he's an alcoholic, but Life, I notice you avoid the issue a lot so I guess I don't see you as the type to require this, no offense)
If I had to guess, then no, I don't think he'll do the above things, or he would have by now. However, maybe the filing woke him up and he's aware of what he'll lose otherwise. Maybe it is helping him see the light.
We can hope
But don't you dare veer off course b/c filing and enforcing are what got you here, not the enabling.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, he has done nothing but talk. That is why I told him I am moving forward with D unless there is action on his part. He still feels drinking is not an issue for him. I disagree and would have to be dealt with. He gets so mad when you bring it up that I don't. To me, it is the same as bringing up R issues. It pushes him back and get defensive. From this I know - he knows- it is a problem of some sort. I do believe the filing had something to do with his sudden realizations. But, as other MLCers I figured the reason he hadn't done anything "by now" was because he was/is in the tunnel. Maybe he is starting to see a little light? I know he is not there yet. I will continue as I am. He is still very distant from us. I have no choice to continue. Either I end up with a better marriage or I end up alone but with having improved myself and my other R's and having a great future. I have my kids, health, freinds, and God.
Just a few questions.... If the affair with OW dies a natural death does the spouse still go through withdrawls from that person and the R even though they claim they are done with them and are unhappy?
Also- how does my H continue to walk away from his kids? He seems to be making progress toward them we he is here but can leave and not show his face again till we call? Is it still the shame and guilt?? Or,pur laziness? Or, just not caring?
not one of those questions are things I can answer for you. And for some of them the answers don't matter.
You focus, still, on "WHY?" instead of What you are doing for your kids and your life which is where you energy MUST go.
Since you just said recently [b]only action from him [/b]will matter, then the rest of this
will evolve, and time will tell.
Stay focussed. Be strong. Stop derailing your progress. Stay on track.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
even if he shows NO interest and never calls on his own, you may still not know why.
But will that matter?
If he leaves OW but does not come home to you, will the end of the R with OW matter?
What matters is how he treats you guys and for now and the recent past
he's with her. Still. And he's not calling or coming over to see the kids. Still.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Can I make a suggestion? As somebody who was stuck on "why" for a long time, I can see the wisdom 25 shares.
My suggestion is to put the "why?" question on hold for a day and focus on you and the kids. See how that works. Once you do that, regardless of how it works, try it for a week. Then a month.
Write in a journal or here how that goes. The idea is to test that theory. To test it you'll need to really put the effort into building it up to a month and see how that works.
It's a challenge. It's a test. You can rise to that, right?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
