Trying to make it to the bye week

[westcoastfella]

Dropping in to bring loads of well-wishes and stirring words! I've been wondering what you've been up to.

In regard to your W being downright EVIL toward you, blaming everybody else but herself for her problems, spinning lie after lie....I HEAR you on this one, brother. This is the exact same place I'm in. My advice? Don't take it personally. There's a great song by Gnarls Barkley called "Would-Be Killer" that has a striking lyric: "Hurt people hurt people." Our W's would have no reason to hurt us the way that they do unless they are hurting themselves deep down inside. They hurt us in the hopes that their own hurt will disappear, but hopefully they will find that it only makes the hurt far worse.

I find that it helps to think of my W as not being my W currently but "somebody else." We wouldn't have married them if we thought that this is who they really were. I have read many stories of WAS' "waking up," looking back, and wondering just who that awful person was that they became. With God's help, our W's will do the same one day.

It's all too evident by looking at the behavior of your W -- the erratic and unpredictable nature of it -- that the best thing for you to do is to let her go and figure it out on her own. WAWs like ours are merely pinballs in a machine. All you can do is let them roll and bounce like mad until they come to a stop on their own. If you try and get in their way, they will flatten you.

I think that your choice to "check and see" if your W really meant to D you was a mistake. (Don't worry -- I did it, too.) All you did was reinforce in your W's mind that you're still waiting around -- saying to her, in essence, "You still have power over me and what I do." If she really wants to D you, she will. If she doesn't, she will let you know somehow. Don't pursue -- let her chase YOU! Reverse the dynamic or else you'll always be chasing HER away from YOU.

Don't be too down on yourself for the James 1:17 sort of guilt-tripping your W is putting on you. My W has been doing the exact same thing to me, blaming me for all of the problems in our M and informing me that she was a gift to me that I took for granted... If we really took our W's for granted, wouldn't we have given up already? Not a chance! We're both still here striving and thriving, aren't we? (Also, there's a chance that your W originally sent that message with a nicer message in mind, then got mad at you and switched it around. Don't expect the truth from WASs. There's a reason that we're not supposed to believe any of what we hear.)

As for the D, I wouldn't necessarily call it the end. A D is just a matter of the law when you get right down to it. People's hearts and desires are far more complex than the law. Give it time, friend. Perhaps this may result in the end of your M. Then again, it might just mark the start of a new one, too...

[sandi2]

I haven't seen anything out of Starsky in a couple months. Hope he's okay.

I don't know if it's "right" or not but I'm getting to the point where I'm just ready for it to be over.

I have not been in your shoes, but from what I read...you are perfectly normal by having these feelings.

I remember having a friend who was much younger than me, and she had turned to me during her difficult time. She and her H had two children and she was scared to death she would lose them. I can't remember right now who was filing for D, but the H had convinced her that he'd get full custody. The night before, she called me crying. This was a young lady I knew had grown up in the Church, so I approached her from that belief I knew she had. When she said she was afraid of what the next day would bring b/c of what her H had told her, I said, "God is not afraid of your H! H doesn't trump God in no way of speaking. No matter what strings H thinks he can pull.....you just remember that you have the main string straight to God's heart and He will take care of you. But what you have to do is to walk into that courtroom with all of your convidence in God's power, not H's. You have to have faith that no matter what might happen tomorrow, God will work things out for your good in the long run. But you have to trust Him."

The next evening, she called me to tell me how things went. She didn't even sound like the same person! She kept saying, "You were right! I can't believe I allowed myself to get so scared."

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to have faith that in the long run, God will work things out for your good....if you'll trust Him.

It took me a long time to learn what real faith is all about. It is "resting" in the fact that your God will handle it for you. Everytime you start to worry, fret, get angry, or try to force others to do what you want....you've stopped resting.

You've got the most powerful "counselor/advisor" there is!

[jbnati]

MTS, FWIW I will pass along a paraphrase of something I read last night.

Worrying will divide the mind. It divides it into what needs to be dealt with today and what might happen in the future. God gives us just enough to deal with today. When tomorrow comes, He will give us just enough to deal with tomorrow. When you divide the mind by worrying, you take away from what God has given you to deal with today.

Make sense, or was it confusing?

[MadeToSucceed]

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. As you can see I've been away from the last week trying to process things and figure out what my "next step" is.

Last Wednesday was tough. No way around that. We went to mediation. My father came with me and my L. Her father and "assistant" were with her and her L in the other room.

The mediator was a former judge in family court and was extremely nice. She gave me the opportunity to share my story about our M and how we got to the point we were. She ultimately shared the same sentiment many here do: it's sad that my W doesn't see what she is doing and giving up. She surmised that my W was reacting emotionally and allowing others to get into her head. The mediator ultimately told me there is nothing I can do to stop my D and that I have to make sure I protect myself and take care of me so that I can begin healing.

The purpose of the mediation was to settle our assets so going in to the day, my W's L expressed that their stance was I should have nothing but my vehicle. My stance was and essentially always has been I want my W. Plain and simple. That being said, I can't do anything BUT accept (not agree with) her decision and allow the law to run it's course to that effect meaning I'd be entitled to my half of what was once considered "ours." My W wasn't too fond of that obviously. My W and her L were very unprepared for the mediation. They didn't provide detailed records of bank statements since I've been closed off from accounts in June. They seemingly pretended like money wasn't still coming in, etc. When the mediator told them that it didn't look like we had enough information with the financial records to get everything taken care of today they decided they'd just rather settle on a dollar amount and "be done with it."

Then, right before my eyes, the dissolving of my M became a numbers game. Literally a negotiation on numbers. The mediator essentially informed them that it wouldn't be favorable for them to go to trial given the fault of the M with respect to the adultery so I guess my W became in a hurry to settle. When the first number was thrown out there, it was obviously much more than I was seeking but as in any negotiation you have to start from somewhere to work to where you're comfortable. The mediator returned saying my W was requesting to speak to me alone. I granted the request and it was an interesting conversation to say the least.

[MadeToSucceed]

My W walked in with a box of tissues and had been crying. She sat across from me at the table and ironically, my Bible was in between us. I'm rehashing the convo to the best of my ability.

W: H, I just wanted you to know that it was never my intention to leave you with nothing. I made you an offer months ago and you said no to it. You know what I have to do on a daily basis and you know I still have to do it. I just want you to know that I'm going to be ok. I know you're going to be ok, especially once you get the money you're after. But I'm going to be ok.

Me: W, your L indicated to me that your stance was that I shouldn't get anything from our M.

W: I never said that. Your L indicated you want money.

Me: W, all I want and have wanted is you. I've fought as hard as I can for our marriage but ultimately it takes 2 people. I tried to have the talk we're having with you last week but you didn't have the decency to be honest with me and let me know the reason you didn't meet with me is because you were flying back from OM's city.

W: You think you know so much. I don't owe you anything. I don't have to explain anything.

Me: Then what are we talking about W? (pointing to my wedding ring) This is what I've been trying to fight for. You've made a decision that you want to move on and someone else can provide something you're seeking.

W: And so since you can't have me you want my money.

Me: It's not about that W and I really wish I could get you to understand that. But at the same time, we aren't bf and gf. I made sacrifices for our M because I was planning a life together. You can't just make the decisions you've made and then approach it from a "deal with it" kind of attitude. Life doesn't work that way. And W. (put my hand on my Bible) I promise you I never EVER slept with any of those women you accused me of in this legal proceeding at the last minute. That is what hurts me most. That you would take this there when its not true. (at this point my W puts her head down and wouldn't look at me while I was talking) So yes. I am going to let the legal process run it's course because it is a process that I never wanted and a process that you initiated that I've had to participate in.

W: (becomes agitated and stands up) You control your L. You can make what you want to happen here happen. I'm going to be ok. I'm still going to succeed in my sport at the highest level.

Me: And I'll be somewhere watching and truly happy for you.

And with that, she left the room. Looking back on it, I know she's conflicted but in those moments I think she was trying to manipulate me into expressing my love for her and walking away empty handed. As much as this truly is NOT about the money for me I'd be a fool if I didn't make sure that I am protected in this situation. Were the shoe on the other foot, it wouldn't even be debatable. I'd be vilified and she'd be deserving of well more than half. In actuality, I wasn't even seeking that. I just wanted a fair share of what I was contributing to so that I can make sure some of the debts I've incurred as a result of all of this are taken care of.

[MadeToSucceed]

So we went back and forth a couple of times before finally agreeing on a number. Then she wanted to stretch it out over 4 payments. This frustrated me because I know she continues to spend money on trips to see OM but somehow wants things to draw out. We ultimately agreed on 2 payments and she wanted it all done so bad, we signed something called a Mediated Settlement Agreement. It lays out the terms agreed upon in mediation and is binding (since the mediator was a retired judge she has the authority to "divorce" us but the final decree still has to be typed up. When it is, it will be dated from the date of mediation.

So that's it. My M is basically over. There were a few things of hers I still have that I have to send her L. There were a few things of mine she found at the house and she has to deliver to me.

That night I dropped my father off at my apt and picked up my mother and immediately went to church. It was the last night of our revival at church and I just NEEDED to be there. I didn't break down once during the mediation day. We were there for almost 5 hours and I held it together the entire time. I had anxiety before but after reading some of the words shared on here for me prior to and after praying, I felt at peace when I went into mediation. So when I sat down in my seat at church a song came on that I'd never heard and the words went like this:

There are some things in my life I had to go through. Things I couldn't understand. I asked the Lord why is this happening to me. I could not see the Lord was preparing me to receive what He has for me. It wasn't bad for me. He was working it out in my favor.

That brought all of the emotion out of me. All the pain and anger and sorrow. A flood of tears just kept pouring down my face and I began to see I had to look for the good in my situation and press on. Another confirmation that I'm going to be ok.

Wednesday night I didn't sleep well it all. It was all so surreal. I wasn't M anymore.

[MadeToSucceed]

Early Thursday morning my parents went back home. I went to work in a bit of a daze and ended up having to take a quiz Thursday night that I'm sure I bombed. I was just in a funk of sorts.

Friday came quicker than I expected and luckily for me, I was getting to do some serious GAL. It just so happened that the bachelor party of the wedding I am in next weekend was upon us. So on Friday I headed to Vegas with the groom to be and 4 of the other guys in the wedding party. We had a good time and I was able to escape all of this for a period of time. At one point, though, while we were out on Saturday night I looked at a friend of mine who had also been through a divorce and we both kind of just knew what the other was thinking. We kind of just started talking and asked the rhetorical question of "how did we get here?" but ultimately we each realized we would be ok in the long run.

Sunday morning we headed home and when I got back my brother and his girlfriend had actually come up for the weekend to visit an automotive school he wants to attend so they were at my apartment. We went to eat and then they helped me wash some clothes before getting on the road. I went to pick up my Little and I took him to see Courageous with me. I choked back tears the entire time. I got a lot from it but with it being so much about what it means to be a man and father I couldn't help but think about how bad I wanted my W to be the mother of my children and how we had a life planned out for us and all that. But that is gone now and I'm having to deal with that.

After I dropped my Little back off at home, I flipped on the radio and hear that OM #1 was injured in his game. Minutes later I hear OM #2 was also injured in his game on the same day. I can't lie. In the moment I smiled. I was momentarily happy. Then I quickly realized those weren't Godly thoughts nor were they "me." And then it finally dawned on me. I was "happy" because in actuality, I'm mad! I'm flat out angry! I suppressed it for SOOOOOOO long because I felt like it was my only shot at saving my M. Now that I can't save my current M I can finally feel. I'm flat out pissed. My W turned my life upside down. Not to mention minutes after this her assistant texted me asking for an address that my things can be delivered. It's just NOT FAIR. And I know life isn't fair and others have it worse and I'm blessed to even be here and alive but still....I'M MAD!

I was glad I was able to recognize that because I've been dealing with these underlying feelings the past 10 days or so and couldn't place my finger on it. Having identified it properly, I think I can focus on feeling it and working through it. I feel betrayed. The person that "knows me" better than any other walked away. When I have a joy or a pain I want to share, I no longer have a person on the planet that understands the true source of that joy or pain. I'm "single" now. What does that even mean?

All of these things have stunted/slowed my growth in the past 10 days or so. I've struggled in my personal prayer life. I've had trouble praying for my W. I looked at her public twitter account and saw she was talking about all the fun she had at a party in OM's city and then I even saw where she'd taken a picture of OM getting a tattoo yesterday. I suppose after our mediation she flew out to see OM and now that we are D, everything is ok for her. It just all pisses me off! I'm mad as hell! But I also know that it's ok to be mad but that I just can't live in it.

[MadeToSucceed]

A very good man asked me recently how he could pray for me. I didn't have a response because I think I'm finally allowing myself to feel the anger and right now, I don't know what it is I want so I didn't know how to respond. I'd hope that I'm able to deal with my feelings of anger and deal with my feeling of betrayal so that I can forgive my W, even though she is still "hurting me" with her actions. I know I can't look at twitter or Facebook or anything that relates to her anymore so I'm not going to torture myself that way.

25 warned me that it would take time for me to "be ok" and that I'm not there yet and she was right. I don't know what it will take but I'm determined to not let this break me. Inside, I still love my W and I would like to say I still want to be with her but right now I just don't know. I'm in pain and still have to deal with it properly. The woman who knows OM very well flat out told me yesterday that she thinks my W is stupid because of all the dirt she knows OM is currently doing and that she believes eventually my W will break down and try to come back when it's all revealed to her but I just don't see it and right now, I don't know if that's even something I want.

I've decided the best thing I can do is look out for me. I'm going to text my W back and let her know I'll honor her request and communicate how to go about exchanging the final things with her assistant. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being in this funk. A new and renewed MTS has to be born and if that means she can't be in my life in anyway right now, then so be it. I'd like to leave that line of possibility open for reconciliation but I feel like she'll use her pride and new found resentment towards me about the financial end of things to prevent her from doing just that.

But I'm still committed to being a better MTS. Right now I need to focus on getting on track in school. I need to finish out these last two months of this semester strong. I'm also going to get back into looking at some routine GAL'ing. I've gotten away from workouts these past 2 weeks and haven't been getting enough sleep so I'm going to start there. I'd like to still come here for support, help and advice because I don't know where this thing will lead me.

Thank you all. 25 are you out there? jb? west? sandi? telemark? CS? Starsky? I need you folks right now. I have to right the MTS ship. Tired of taking on water.

[jbnati]

MTS, I just got caught up. I am so very sorry to hear about this, man. Very tough stuff.

One thing I saw from the mediation is how much it chapped your W when you were messing with her agenda. It looked like if you disagreed with something on her agenda, she didn't like it. It's just such an ugly process.

Right now from what I hear about your W, I am PO'ed for you right now. Here's a couple thoughts, though. You are only seeing what she's showing you. It's likely you aren't seeing the entire picture. She is also lost in the fog right now. She may or may not come out of the fog. She will eventually reap what she sows. She is walking the path of destruction and misery right now. She is lost, chasing an illusion. You are going in the opposite direction. Ultimately you will be better off. Your W may look back some day and be mortified about what she's doing right now.

You still need to feel those emotions, though. You need to drain off the anger. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to forgive your W. It will take some time. You'll need to do it eventually - for you.

You will be able to move on (although it may still not be over entirely). Work on getting yourself back on track. You are doing a lot of good things. You are turning to the right places. I can almost guarantee other women are noticing how you are handling you situation.

Keeping you in my prayers, my friend.

[Telemark]

MTS,

I'm sorry you've reached this stage. The ease with which our WAS's can cast us aside does not cease to amaze me.

You said you are tired of feeling this way; I hear that. We want to feel better NOW. I don't have the magic formula or answer, but I do know from my own situation that the knot in my stomach is very slowly getting smaller; thoughts of my W are not constantly there; my house is not quite so depressing and I am not sad all of the time.

Your W took the easy way out instead of doing the hard work a marriage requires. She's already throwing herself into another relationship which will probably have similar disastrous results. Does that help your situation? Of course not. But you are on the road to self-improvement, a better outlook on life and eventually you will be a better partner for someone. You will know what not to do as much as what to do.

Right now it is painful and hard to believe it is happening. But it is not the way it will be forever...a trite cliche, perhaps, but it is the truth. Allow yourself to grieve, then start to GANL - Get A New Life.