Thanks, Telemark! Wanted to let you know that I skimmed through your thread recently. I think that we have a lot in common when it comes to our sitches. Hoping for the best for you, bud.
Actually, the free breakfast doesn't have anything to do with my review. The first one was for all staff of my credit union; we came together to chow down and to hear the CEO talk briefly about the state of things. The second was because I have been appointed as a safety committee member at my branch. There's usually little more to report than people falling down or tripping. We talked more about upcoming movies than anything.
Wanted to add that I picked up a copy of "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" because I've heard so many other DB-ers testify to its expert advice on detachment. I've only just started, but so far, it's speaking volumes about how okay it is to feel as lost and devastated as we all have. It has nothing to do with weakness or being flawed. It's a natural reaction to something like this. That, my friends, feels very good to know.
I hadn't gotten out and exercised since last week. Usually I make a point to exercise on my off-days, but I was too depressed and emotionally flattened after Saturday's events to do anything productive. Tonight, however, I took advantage of the cool evening weather and jogged for a while, then came home and did some strength exercises. Gotta keep those endorphins flowing.
Just wanted to journal today. I think that the thing that hurts me the most about my sitch are the comments that my W has made regarding OM and her sex life with him. It bothers me terribly that she has no problem telling me how experienced he is in that department and appears oblivious to my pain. I know she's not in a place for rational thought, but to tell me the things she has seems downright inhuman.
It also hurts me to know that there were several years that went by during which our own sex life was very dismal because of her trauma. The first year, things were great! It felt like it was pretty much half of what we did. We were very, very compatible. Then they went south as soon as things got more serious between us while we were living together. It was while we developed what I think of as a "married" mentality.
It got to the point where my W didn't like sex, even hated it sometimes. She felt bad because she knew that she was neglecting her "wifely duties" to me, but she couldn't help it. Sex brought frightening flashbacks and caused her lots of psychosomatic vaginal pain.
During these years, I was supportive of her above and beyond. I knew that I was more patient about this than most men would have been. I rarely ever complained about the lack of physicality and soothed her when she got upset about "depriving" me. If I did complain, I never, ever blamed her. I knew that it wasn't her fault. It was just something that we would have to work through.
When we got married, I became very frustrated (but not angry) during our honeymoon when she told me that she might never want to have sex ever. I always thought that it was something that we could eventually work through together, but she told me I was foolish to hope for that. I was grappling with the realization that was she was saying might be true: that I had gotten married to someone who might have zero inclination for physicality forever.
Fast-forward to a year ago. Now, my W is suddenly "better" and wants to not only have sex, but to even be "kinky" and "wild". I was certainly okay with that! The only problem was, she didn't seem to want to be this way with me. It was at this time that she complained about me being "hesitant" and "uncomfortable with my sexuality." My libido also felt crazy-low and I sometimes suffered from performance anxiety. Rather than being comforting, my W would be angry and critical, which didn't help at all. I felt loads of shame and frustration. Why was she complaining about my sexual performance when it had never been a problem before? And why couldn't she be supportive of me when it clearly caused me much pain?
I'm fully aware that I'm dealing with a special case here. That I'm dealing with a "nuts-on-top" WAW. Her sexual frustration and hang-ups probably have to do a lot more with her than they do with me. Still, I can't help but feel the wound whenever she brings up the matter. If things were so terrible for us in that department, why couldn't she have been more willing to work through things with me instead of looking somewhere else? Why couldn't she have been as patient with me as I was with her?
I have a theory that she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. It had nothing to do with my physical build or looks; she told me once, "You're so hot and you don't even know it." I think that it had a lot more to do with my perceived "lack of manliness." I complained a lot, cried, hid things from her, and did everything I could to please her. She loved me, but she found it hard to respect or look up to me. I think that this really killed her physical attraction to me.
Of course, given my W's behavior, I can't trust anything she says right now. She could just be justifying things left and right, blaming everything on me in order to avoid looking at her own deficiencies. It just hurts. I've often been uncomfortable with sex. My W was my first and only, and we both had traumatic upbringings in regards to it. This was not the optimal pairing for us to exorcise our demons.
I fear that no matter who I will go on to have an R with next, I will still be uncomfortable and scared about sex. If my W and I ever do possibly decide to recon, how could we restore intimacy? After months of her saying the things that she said, with me knowing everything she did with OM, how could I ever feel comfortable with her again?
Anybody have any advice for me? I'm feeling pretty down about this.
I don't know why, but after I gave it half a day, I don't feel so down anymore. Maybe it just helped to throw out my feelings onto the screen, then walk away and think about something else for a change. Who knows.
What I feel very strongly is this: I should stop putting all of my self-worth into what my W thinks of me. Gritter has been knocking me over the head with this one, and it's only now starting to sink in. It's extremely likely that her "crisis" (good way to put it) has way more to do with her than it does with me. Thing is, I can't help her with that. It's all her. Me, I'm on my own path now. Gotta think about my needs and wants for once.
As for sex, well, that will come in time. I'm in no place to even think about dating, let alone physical contact. I'm sure that whoever I move onto next (whether my W or someone else) will be very patient and understanding with me.
My big goal now is detachment. I still feel obsessed and consumed with my sitch throughout the day. I'd like to step away from all of that and really start enjoying my life. I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Watched "Stranger Than Fiction" today. I seem to keep running into movies with big existentialist themes.
This morning, I watched the wonderful documentary "Exit Through the Gift Shop." For those who don't know, it's a movie that is both about graffiti artist Banksy and a goofy, lovable Frenchman from L.A. who films him and many other street artists. The latter then tries to become a street artist himself.
This movie inspired me to change my life. Everything in the movie is pure passion -- people are just churning tons of energy into their art. Not to become famous or to make money, but simply because it's their reason for existence. I am primarily a writer and consider myself to be an artist, but I have neglected the creative part of my life for years. Especially during this time. Watching this movie, I realized that plugging into my art would be a fantastic way to pull myself out of the hole that I'm in.
I have spent four months in the fall-out of my sitch. Every day since, I have obsessed about either my W or the sitch in general for at least a half hour. Sometimes many hours. I have devoured literature on relationships, poured hours into prayer, and surfed the internet for information on infidelity and R/M break-down. I understand it to be a normal response, and much of the information that I've found has been incredibly helpful, but I realize that it has come to the point where I'm just spinning my wheels, digging myself deeper, going nowhere.
Watching "Exit," I realized that I've been wasting tons of my energy focusing on my sitch when it does no good but makes me depressed, angry, and hopeless. I'd much rather pour that raw energy into art and expression. I imagine it would be incredibly cathartic and give me a new reason to be. I would become an artist with a purpose rather than somebody waiting around for his old life to come back into being. That life is dead. Time for a new life, with or without my W.
In addition, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is coming up in about a week. I did it last year and had a blast. No better way to kick off this new version of me than November. Plus, there will be local meet-ups of authors. A pretty good way to meet people like myself and GAL, I think.
I have a theory that she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. It had nothing to do with my physical build or looks; she told me once, "You're so hot and you don't even know it." I think that it had a lot more to do with my perceived "lack of manliness." I complained a lot, cried, hid things from her, and did everything I could to please her. She loved me, but she found it hard to respect or look up to me. I think that this really killed her physical attraction to me.
You nailed it. I would bet that the most common reason that W's become WAW's is "lack of manliness" in their spouses. When we first meet and date our future W's we are our own men; we have hobbies, interests, opinions...we have been on our own and know how to take care of ourselves. Pretty attractive to women. But as the married years go by, we start to lose ourselves little by little, and eventually become puppy dogs following our W's around for affection and table scraps. We are no longer strong men but weak little boys.
Our W's put up with this as long as they can, but when someone comes along who represents something different, it's a great temptation. Some W's can resist...and some can't.
Since my situation started I also have read voraciously and looked back at my own actions and attitudes during my marriage, and have found them pathetically lacking. It may be too late to save our marriages, but it is not too late to course-correct our lives for ourselves and perhaps for the next person we choose to share with.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Earlier this week, I came up with a basic theory that I termed "mental energy." Essentially, I figured that the more I thought about something, the more my life would revolve around that thing. At this point, my W and her A was still dominating my thoughts after she left me four months ago. I decided that I was done devoting my mental and emotional energies to her (as well as anything else negative in my life). It's slow-going, and it will take time, but I know that eventually she will become a faded memory in my mind. (If she wants to be more than that, it's up to her.)
Speaking of my W, I haven't had any contact with her since the "anniversary text" on the 18th. My guess is that she's realizing that my darkness is not just a temporary thing but something that's sticking. This lack of contact has also made me feel really good. The less I have to deal with her, the better.
I've been limbering up for NaNoWriMo by writing a thousand words every night this week. I'm writing another short story about a main character who is dealing with the fall-out of infidelity. This one is darker and more serious than my last story. It has been difficult to write at times, but such things are. I'm almost done with it. After that, I will be moving onto a different subject matter.
I am also in the middle of a week-long vacation from work. I have been visting with family, eating lots of good food, sleeping in like crazy, and going for some good walks. Tonight is my 4-year-old nephew's birthday party at the local bowling alley/arcade. Should be good fun!
While praying the other night, I thanked God for helping me learn from all of this. While it has been no fun, I've grown in so many ways. Most of all, I've reconciled with the fact that life isn't fair and that, sometimes, bad things just happen. I always used to have a naive, childish belief that bad things just happened to other people. Or if they happened to me, it would be far off in the future. Now I know that they can occur at any time, and now I've made peace with that knowledge. It will make me a stronger, more accepting person in the end.
Just got back from my little sister's college town where I stayed at her place. One of my old friends dropped by; he goes to the same college and lives in the area. (He was also one of my groomsmen in the wedding.) We all had a great time playing Wii Sports and Call of Duty: Black Ops on Zombie mode. My sister and I stayed up that night watching stand-up comedy (Kevin Hart and Patton Oswalt).
Me and her have really bonded in the wake of this. It helps to know that she, too, is struggling in the wake of her own sunk R, so she knows how everything feels. (However, I think that her moving away from that R will be so good for her. The guy she was with was SO beneath her, it's unreal.)
Last night, I bought a bunch of candy in the hopes that trick-or-treaters would stop by. I live in an apartment complex, so I figured that people would take their kids around door to door. Didn't get one trick-or-treater! Now I'm stuck with a big bowl full of candy calling to me throughout the day. I'm trying to limit myself to just a few at the end of the night.
I went to the credit union today and talked to a rep about getting my W off of my car loan and co-signing with my dad instead. I had told my W that I was planning on doing this after she began threatening to "take herself" off the loan in order to get back at me. However, after this meeting, I began to realize that such a process would be pointless. I found that I could actually re-finance the car on my own without my dad, but that would require sending my W paperwork and having her get it notarized, which would lead to a lot of unnecessary contact (as well as griping and power games) from her.
I've decided to just keep the loan the way it is. As long as I keep making the payments every month, there is nothing that she can do to threaten me through the car. The only time that I will have to deal with this will be when the car is paid in full and the title will need to be wrangled (she's still on it as she bought the car with me). Still, we agreed that we were each entitled to our own vehicles in the legal S, so the car is legally mine. We will see what happens.
First day of NaNoWriMo. I'm having a fun time making a sequel to the novel that I wrote last year. It takes place in a futuristic society that pokes fun at our current time in many ways. I was influenced by both the comic "Transmetropolitan" and the novel "Infinite Jest" (probably the best book I've ever read). It's a good break from the depressing stuff I usually write about.
For some reason, my depression has flared up recently. Thoughts about my W and her A are also killing me for some unknown reason. It could be that the shock is wearing off, leading to me feeling the painful effects, but it's hard to know. I'm doing my best to stay positive and keep my mind off of her.
