Hello Life, Have been reading your threads this morning, I noticed that you replied to one of my post a time back...(have no idea when, have lost ALL track of time and will look back at something which feels like months ago and find it is only days..) I know you didnt mean it to but your post put a smile on my face at a time when I needed it..your right, alcohol is evil... I see you have connected with 25...she is great, she manages to put my in my place when I need it also and is pretty smart since she has been throught it.
My husband has been an alcoholic since the day we met. after 15 yrs together I couldnt take it anymore and left with our S14 and his SS21 (who has special needs like your own) my older S28 and his SS is out on his own. He started rehab after I had been gone for 6 months and has now been sober for 20 months. We have been seperated the whole time but he was very attentive and spent all his time with us or at AA and his rehab classes. I knew when I left that i did not want a divorce, we actually both agreed we did not, but I knew it would be AT LEAST a year seperated before we could begin reconciling. Right before his graduation from his program he all but disapeared, went 7 weeks with out seeing our s14 and was saying he was working alot. we began to argue about the fact that he was not spending any time with S and all the sudden he wanted a D. about 6 weeks later I caught him in our bed with OW.... I filed papers last week but have been devistated about it, i dont want a divorce but due to financial reasons didnt really have a choice. I have good days and bad days (like yesterday were I cried in my bathroom for 3 hrs after work) Im forcing my self not to think of them together and how he has replaced us with her. just offering my support and someone to talk to if you need. I could use someone to who can relate to what Im going through... Im taking my boys camping this weekend to get out of town...its going to rain so we are going to sit in the trailer and watch movies and play cards but it will get there minds off all the crap. It is the first time ive taken them alone with out H so Im hoping it wont be to hard on me....Im ready to get out of town and not wonder whats going on at my house in my bed....so sick of it!!!
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Question- when the WAS asks me the LBS questions about who I go out with and what I do and where do I go- do I answer honestly? I don't want to lie but also feel he really has NO right to ask. I haven't a clue what he does in his free time as he doesn't live with us and we rarely talk. In the past I have answered vaguely and then he gets mad and storms off because "you act like its a secret". Whatever. Thanks.
I'm with you on that. I have been truthful, but dropped in "gems" about having lunch with female friends for effect. Seemed to have an immediate impact but it only lasted a day or two before she was back to "Don't give a stuff".
Snodderly pointed out to me when I had a sitch along the same lines was that old saying, "He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either."
If he doesn't like the fact that you're out with others, well then that's his problem. Let him twist in the wind worrying about it.
Question- when the WAS asks me the LBS questions about who I go out with and what I do and where do I go- do I answer honestly? I don't want to lie but also feel he really has NO right to ask. why not say both, and CALMLY? And change the topic...something like
"H, it's no big state secret where I went, but I think it's a little ironic that you feel entitled to know what I do in my free time. Clearly that's not a two way street BUT I appreciate your interest and yes, I did have a good time with my friends...so what were you saying about the job/day/kids.... blah blah blah now?"
I haven't a clue what he does in his free time as he doesn't live with us and we rarely talk. In the past I have answered vaguely and then he gets mad and storms off because "you act like its a secret". Whatever. Thanks.
how's the work on DETACHMENT going? And what are YOUR GAL?
and your 180s?
Let's talk about what you DO control, which is YOU.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A few questions-Can someone explain to me how they the WAS detaches so well? Like we don't exist? Even their children??
Also, what about Thanksgiving? Do we invite him? I suppose this is major pursuing? Should my view be-this is what you wanted so here you go- you are without us-?!?
ALSO- ( and I know 25 will want to 2x4 me) but...if the WAS was truly happy and complete with their OW/OM...wouldn't they the WAS be happy and content not miserable?? Just really want some input on this. And moving forward with a D?
A few questions-Can someone explain to me how they the WAS detaches so well? Like we don't exist? Even their children??
Also, what about Thanksgiving? Do we invite him? I suppose this is major pursuing? Should my view be-this is what you wanted so here you go- you are without us-?!?
I don't think I have any 180's? IDeas?
180's - DETACH - Stop your pursuit. The most important change that you can make. LET GO. Live your life "as if" he is never coming back. Remember that any changes you make are for YOU not to get him back.
Thanksgiving - In general you should let the MLC'er control the contact. I would not invite him unless he asks. Sounds like that might be another 180 for you.
As far as why they detach so well - I think it is because during MLC they are the OPPOSITE of who you have know during their their adult life. Scientifically this can be traced to hormones becoming the OPPOSITE at midlife as they were earlier. It some respects it has nothing to do with you or the children, you are just a casual bystander and collateral damage to the storm.
What happens inside their heads is anyones guess. They detach b/c they have to. I think it's self preservation for some, they literally have to go. It is too painful for them to stay. When someone is truly miserable, they try to find a shread of happiness however they can. I think this goes for alot of folks not just MLC.
Do you get to see it? Not necessarily. Even if you do, you might misread it. That's why we have to let go too.
As far as Thanksgiving goes, you do what's best for you. The trick is watching your expectations. you can't tether your boat to what they do.
I can tell you that up until this year, I always invited my H and he always came. The difference this year is that we (D's and I) were invited to a friends and we've opted to go. Did he ask about coming up? Yes. Does it mean anything? Not really. In my case it means he's trying to stay connected to D's. the problem is, as of late, my D16, doesn't want that connection. She will find the path to him that works for her.
It feels impossible to detach. I want him involved in the kid's lives. SO, I believe I use that as an excuse to contact him. I know that is wrong. But, I keep doing it. Not very often but I do it. One time in 8 months has he asked the kids to do something. It was great but otherwise it is me doing the asking for supper, etc.
Now, I feel like Im obsessing over OW. I have taken 10 steps backwards in my process.
I have GAL. Big time. But, he tells me just enough to keep me on a string. And, I drink it in. I know I shouldn't. I have expectations. I really feel rejected.
