Yes, it is about his actions but my pain too. I want him to hear it. See it! Everyone continues to say there will come a time when I get to say my feelings about the sitch. When?? HOnestly.? Thank Cat for your reply. I do appreciate it. I was doing so well and then I do get caught up in his drama. Yes, I want him to res
rescue me. How come if I can't say anything or do anything big to wake him up why does what I say or don't say not get us closer to R? How does it really matter? Yes, I see the insanity of it all. I don't want to be on the roller coaster. But, seriously, how do I get off when he keeps stepping in and saying he doens't want a D? I am trying to move forward. But, does he really know he is being manipulative? I want to just quit. I feel like I can't say or do the right thing anymore. I obsess over what I should've said or should not have said. OVer what he said or didn't say. It is too much work. If I don't say anything to him. The situation doesn't change when I do say something it doesn't change. Maybe I'm the insane one. I feel like I just keep getting run over by him.
When the anger has passed, when the frustration has passed, when you have forgiven him and yourself and can do it with dignity and grace...
When it doesn't matter to you as much anymore...
In the meantime, speak it here...
Scream it to the trees, or God, or the universe...
Get it out and let it go...
As far as him being manipulative...
He may know, he may not...
What goes through their heads, is anyone's guess...
He has SAID many times he doesn't want a D. Great.
Until he shows you, all it is, is words.
And that is something you know. Accept the words for what they are, words, and step away.
You don't have to allow his words to keep you from living.
Living doesn't mean you have to pursue a divorce (unless there are financial reasons or you want to) and it doesn't mean you have to date...
It just means you live, for you, as if he was your neighbor or not around at all...
Until you want to do something differently...
Getting off of the rollercoaster, is a conscious CHOICE.
One that you will need to make daily, maybe even hourly for a while...
You being the insane one, well we ALL have felt that at one point or another...
That is part of MLC, WE begin to wonder if they are sane and we are not...
As we learn to recognize MLC behaviors, we realize that we aren't insane...
Believe it or not, and I know you really don't want to hear this...
While doing or saying the wrong thing CAN make it worse, NOTHING you do or say is going to be right while they are in the crisis...
So does it matter?
I guess if you don't want a chance at reconciliation then it doesn't matter.
If you want the possibility to exist...
Then yes it matters very much...
The best thing that you can do, is get out of the way of his journey and live your own...
If you obsess, thought stopping techniques are a great way to help yourself. I believe it was Grace_O who snapped a rubberband on her wrist to help with this.
Google thought stopping methods and see what you find...
Pick something, anything, that you can control for you, that will make you happy, even if it is for five minutes, that is for YOU and doesn't involve anyone else, and start there...
For me, I started taking a bubble bath every night.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
One of the things I came to understand about myself is that I would take a path towards expressing anger because I was looking for some kind of movement. It didn't matter which way, I wanted out of "Limbo". I thought that if he finally filed, it would all be over.
I no longer live in limbo and it took awhile(a long while)for me to change my perspective. one thing that really helped me, was not to see him anymore than absolutely necessary. The less I saw him, the less I obsessed. I stopped feeling like I was constantly being run over by a Mack truck.
If you choose to leave the door open for reconcilliation, you can do that. Just don't stand there waiting.
I am the one (or one of) that used a rubberband to change my thoughts. I laugh now at the welts it created. It took time. I took up meditation. I exercise much more. I take classes. All of these things felt overwhelming at times. Just have to push through it.
It all starts with being able to not think about him a few minutes at a time.
Are you a goal setter? As in writing them down and then breaking them into smaller steps etc? It's not so much my thing, but I tried it and found a version that works for me.
Life, forgive me but I havent read your whole story. But I have read enough to know that I wanted to tell you a couple of things I learned, if I may.
I know that you want him to know your hurt. Here's the thing. He cant hear you. He is so caught up in his crisis, in his pain and confusion, in his inability to fix what's wrong, that he just plain cant hear you.
You are adding to the pressure he is feeling of being out of control. He is trying to figure out why he is unhappy. He left you - still not happy. He got an ow - still not happy, he drinks - still not happy. So panic continues to set in. The thing is that he needs to figure that all out on his own.
Your job is to get out of the way.
I know that you are angry and hurt. I do. This is tough stuff. The thing is that it is when you work through those feelings and then release them, you get to work on you.
Because if you dont, it will weigh you down. It will sap your energy. Energy better spent on your journey.
When you get stuck on what he says or feels or what he's doing, you stay stuck.
If you believe he is in crisis and if you really love him, the greatest gift you can give him is to detach and let him walk his path.
I always said that the greatest gift of love I gavae my h was to accept that this is something he needed to go through on his own and I let him go. I loved him enough to want him to find peace and happiness.
Life, try real hard to let him go. Leave him to deal with the choices he's made and the demons he is fighting.
When you do that, the need to let him know how hurt or angry you are will begin to decrease. It will not matter to you whether he knows how you feel or not because you will be walking your own path.
The sooner you get detached, the sooner you get to figure out who Life is and who you want to be.
I always say, the sooner you get to the good part. I know it sounds strange to say good part when you are going through all this, but it's true.
When you are focused on yourself and your children, a whole lot of things start to happen. You figure out that while you may want your h, you do not NEED him. You figure out how capable you are and you start to become the person you were meant to be.
Make a bucket list. Things you always wanted to do, a hobby you wanted to try, a place you wanted to visit, a class you wanted to take. Look at people you admire and figure out what it is about them that you respect.
Each day try to be the best person you can be. Some days you make it, some you dont,but let that be your goal.
I promise you that when you start to work on you, the thoughts about worrying if he files or not, if he is with ow or not, if he is flying to the moon or not, will not matter.
Thanks everyone. Grace_0 that is how I felt-I had been run over by a Mac truck. I truly do work on stopping the thoughts but then are we really processing what has happened or is happening?? I feel like some of it is avoidance and will come back to haunt me one day. I am working on who I want to be. But, when I speak to him a lot of anger will come to the top. Usually I hold it in. I am working on forgivesness but this anger is still there. And, it does come out now and then. Yes, some of the things I say- I say for a reaction or some movement. Immature I know. I need to work on that. SOmetimes I feel though since H is an alcoholic the rules have changed some. I think I am confusing myself. I think what really gets me is his cool attitude about everything. Like its normal to be doing what he is doing. I realize I do place a lot of value on his words. His actions though speak otherwise of what he says. That is hard. I want to believe him. I want this nightmare to be done. I have set goals for myself. Meeting some and working on others. This sitch is in my mind though. Some days more than others. I think that one week a month too doensn't help. I feel a little out of control then.
How do I heal, grow and change?? I thought that is what I am doing?? With these occasional slips. 2 years ago I would've said no way to forgiving him if he did this. I have changed from that person. Still working on everything though. Do you ever really get rid of all the anger? Resentment? How? Alone? I am confused. I thought I had a handle on some of this stuff. I guess not. I am overwhelmed.
I think your answer is in what you have written. We have to find a way to forgive what we believed was unforgiveable most of our lives. We didn't expect to ever have to deal with these situation. It's all new to us and was unexpected. We are learning daily. We try different tools, methods. What works for some doesn't work for others. We have to keep trying until we find the way that works for us. The more understanding we get, the more we can forgive but it is a 2 way street. I think that until they admit their wrong doing to themselves, and forgive themselves, life will be difficult.
Maybe they are teaching us a lesson. Maybe we have to do the same?
You're already changing, growing, and yes, healing follows. It all takes time. Time is your friend.
You said two years ago you would have not thought forgiving him for something like this would have been possible. Forgiving yourself first will help you forgive him.
As for growing, well, you're asking yourself the questions that 2 years ago you wouldn't even have thought of. Finding those answers that help you move forward in this is your growth.
I understand about being overwhelmed as it is all on you right now. As you work your way through you will start to feel more in control of yourself and life.
The LBS goes through stages and cycles too. I have found that dealing with what comes along has advanced me forward.
I, too, was very resentful that my H just dumped everything in my lap without seemingly a second thought. I was sinking under the weight of it all. I started by handling one thing at a time and as I grew stronger and more confident I became proud that I could captain my own ship and be successful at it.
Is that the way I envisioned my life would turn out? H3ll no, but you have to play the cards you're dealt.
Believe in yourself, Life. Have confidence that you will get through this controlling the only thing you can, yourself. You have to do whatever you can to protect your kids and yourself.
I can see your growth since you've been here. You're doing fine and I have no doubt you'll be better than OK whichever way this turns out.
By stopping the thoughts, I mean stop obssessing. When I would find myself rading between the lines of everything that was said and done (or not said and not done)...that isn't processing. That's just making yourself nuts.
Dealing with the anger and the forgiveness is tough. What worked for me was to see H as human with his own limitations and to be compassionate. There were times I was more successful than others, but making a habit of viewing him this way has helped me alot.
I also have found activities that help me when I get angry. Could be as simple as taking a walk, exercising or writing a letter (that I never send).
Everytime you work thorough something, it really does confirm how strong and capable you are. Look at all the things you are handling and let that be a brick in the wall of your confidence. Notice I didn't say all the things you do right or well? Just doing it and making any adjustments necessary to get you where you want to be is how we all move forward. That it may not be right or perfect the first time, doesn't matter, at all.
If you read back through your own posts, you'll see the growth. May not be as big and grand as you'd hoped it would be, but we all do this in our own time.
