Thank you SO much for checking in on me! Regardless of what ended up happening in my sitch - reconciling, divorcing, whatever - you and JB are two of my very special friends on here who helped ME get where I am at. I am forever grateful for your friendship.
I think before I was a parent, I wouldn't have completely understood my Mother's hesitancy in accepting my husband back into her good graces. I get where she's coming from (and I know you do, as the awesome dad you are), but still...it would make me feel better if she were on board with the rest of the family. She was kind of ugly to me today (about something unrelated to my sitch, but I know that's where her anger is really coming from), so my feelings are a little raw right now. Almost 38 years old, and I still need validation from my Mother. Maybe that's a Southern girl thing. Surely there is a support group for that, y'all think?
OUCH...had a little backslide last night. And it still stings.
After one of our kid's school program last night, H went to pick up another child from a practice, and I took the other kids to a restaurant of my choosing. H and my other child were going to meet us there. As we were being seated, I noticed former ow's daughter sitting with some of her friends a couple of tables over. She and the other girls said hello to me (they aren't aware of what happened yet between my H and ow, thankfully), and the kids and I said hello back. They were there with an adult I know, so I figured that was that. And then, in walked ow. Dadgummit.
We live in a smallish town, so I see her from time to time. One of my big 180s has been that I no longer mention seeing her to my H. By getting mad and mentioning her to H, that just freshens her and the situation in his mind, and it gives her power to derail our reconciling. But last night, I texted him to let him know she was at a nearby table. He responded, "we just don't need to worry about that anymore." (Easier said than done).
I handled myself with grace through dinner; there was no eye contact or communication between the two of them (I have no doubt that relationship is over). She did try to catch my eye several times, but I didn't look her way.
Once we got home, I started letting all the old hurt and anger and fear resurface in me. I assured him I wasn't mad at him or think the two of them are together in anyway, but it did make me question some things in my mind. All silly, no good stuff that needed to be left alone, but seeing her (when I was with him) was really tough on me.
My H ended up staying the night at his rent house. That made me sad, but I let him go without any argument. This morning I have apologized for my behavior, explained to him why I acted that way (old fear, hurt, anger got the better of me) and told him I will do my best to not do that again.
I'm hoping that this doesn't derail us too much. It would be a shame if I had given her the power to do that.
Any help/suggestions/etc. on how to keep those negative feelings and thoughts and worries under control? Again, I've been doing GREAT with this so far when I run into her, but that was the first time in a very long time I ran into her when I was with H.
lc4, your reaction seems pretty normal and I think you handled it really well actually. Only natural that it would stir up some hurt. I'd say give yourself a pass and keep moving forward.
Thank you, SL. I thought so, too, but H is really angry with me about it. I guess I just back off and give him space and time. I've apologized and explained best I can. I suppose I'll see just how serious he is about reconciling. Just makes me sick and furious with myself.
lc4, I don't see any reason to beat yourself up. What's done is done. The best thing to do now is to learn from this and decide how you want to handle it the next time. You're only human. This kind of thing is going to drudge up some of those old feelings from time to time. I think getting past this is a process, not something that happens instantly.
I think your H said the right things, but frankly, he is going to need to keep telling you that before you'll be completely assured.
I think you did the right thing by apologizng. You were very transparent in your apology and hopefully you didn't overdo it - it doesn't sound like you did.
It says in DR to put up that mental stop sign when you start having those negative feelings. I've seen others talking about putting a rubber band around their wrist and snapping it when they start having those negative thoughts. Don't know if that helps.
I'd say you took your eyes off the road to recovery for a minute and ended up in the weeds you were looking at. Now you can get it right back on the road and focus straight ahead.
Thanks for the encouragement, JB. I'm pretty mad at myself, because we were doing so well. However, I've apologized, explained, asked for forgiveness and vowed to try to do better. I've validated the things he's said in response. I refuse to beat a dead horse, so if he needs to take his time to cool down, then so be it. I can absolutely pull out my detaching skills. This ain't my first rodeo.
Thanks for chiming in, MZ, and for the validation all of you have given me for my reaction to seeing ow. I, too, believe that my reaction was a normal one and certainly pretty mild compared to what it would have been in the past or what it would be with other people in my shoes.
However, my reaction has completely driven my H away. He said some pretty nasty things to me yesterday and is completely shutting me out. He hasn't returned home or gotten in touch with the kids. So far, I've told them their Daddy is working, but they are smart kids, and like me, this ain't their first rodeo either.
It's just amazing to me how he can go from one extreme to the other in his feelings. I had no doubt that he was on board with reconciling. Things truly were better than they had been in years, so much so that I shared the news with my family. And now, because I reacted in the way I did to seeing ow, he's completely flip-flopped. He knows that I'm putting lots of blame on myself; he knows how to manipulate a situation like a pro. This is the really ugly side of him I was hoping was gone. Not so much, I'm afraid.
Any suggestions on what to tell the kids or how to react to him now? If history repeats itself and he comes back (as I suspect will happen; just don't know when), how do I handle things? Do I let him know that he has crossed the boundary of putting the kids and me back on the rollercoaster I worked so hard to get off of? Or do I just welcome him back with loving and open arms?
Obviously this is a difficult thing, but maybe you just need to wait and see on this one. If he's anything like my H, your husband is probably reacting with anger out of guilt for having this A and what he sees it as meaning for your R - i.e. that it's something that will never be forgotten/forgiven.
His anger is not just at you, but at the whole issue and how it's set back your reconciliation, and he probably can't help feeling angry about it. (He could help what he said, but that's just probably lashing out in anger and frustration again.)
If you look at it this way rather than as him just reacting angrily to YOU and what you did/said, it might help you think about how best to respond to this latest development in your piecing.
FWIW, I'd be tempted to let it go and get on with trying to get over it as smoothly as possible without too much talk and analysis. Give yourselves time to see how things evolve and just realise that this was an extremely difficult situation that you two found yourselves in. You now have both learnt something valuable about what not to do.
Sorry if this sounds like 'advice about what to do' - as if I'd know!!! Just wanted to think out loud in case this was of any assistance, and to let you know that I am here for you, as you have been so many times for me.
lc4, this probably isn't the first time this going to happen. I would think it's likely you're going to Probably with each subsequent time, it won't be as bad. You're right - this isn't your first rodeo. I think you know the pattern - he'll be back. At that point, y'all can re-group and move forward.
IMVHO, pointing out to him that he's crossed the boundary isn't going to help your efforts too much. Just keep the road back paved and smooth. You have extended the invitation for forgiveness and it's up to your H to give himself that gift. I think it's OK to discuss it further if it's warranted and y'all can have a healthy discussion on the topic.
