"Going Dark" - 101

[pauld2100]

I am just tring to get back to working, with the market in such bad shape there is hardly any work. I am looking into training and other jobs but most need experiance that I don't have. she knows I am in the construction field and it is taking a beating worse then I have ever seen! no jobs at all, and if one shows up it's gone before you can get on the phone. I think I killed the love with love ya know....

[samina]

She probably hasn't seen the changes in you. You need to do 180's to change your behaviour, you are still thinking of what to do for her. Stop making it about her, it hasn't been working. She is not interested as you keep pursuing. let her go. keep dark or dim if you have kids and GAL for YOU

[whateverittakes]

Thanks JJ. This is a helpful thread.

[pauld2100]

your right I am really tring! I guess I just miss her.... and the funny thing is she used to be the one that cried when I had to places or work for weeks away from home.... thanks for listening..

[pauld2100]

Hey people,
Samina, I know you keep asking what am I doing for me... well I am just tring to survive right now. I have even thought of going to Iraq to work. now she found this out through someone else and she didn't seem to mind much from what I understand. If I can leave the country and she didn't care that much well as you can see from that e-mail she sent her saying she cares and loves me well how can she love me and go out with others. as for doing this diffrent I have tried everything. staying dark maybe hurting it more, I know her well also and she is doing everything she can to keep distance. pursing her was the worse thing I could have done but it also had some small impact she felt good about it also but really was a bad idea. maybe I went over board with it. as far as the grass not being greener is right but I did so much damage at first that my changes are not gaining any intrest from her. I know she has her friends and this new distration to keep her mind off of things. I did back slide a bit ago and told her I was still in love with her, this is when she sent that e-mail. but she has called me before I sent her that message. also she believed that I was seeing someone else also when we split, she said she was broken hearted at one point and may have sparked the dating on her end, not sure because I don't ask. I haven't heard from her since that last email. its been less then a week, I am not sure what level of dating she is in but know she has went out for many hours on the weekends so I can only assume she is leveled up in this dating that would explain the email being so firm on moving on. Telling her I loved her to also could have done more damage and slow things down again. why would she stop dating a nobody when she knows I would right there. so many questions that I cant ask, she has not forced me to move my things out and when she does call I hear a bit of the old her slip through very little but its there.. one thing that kills me is she may have tried sex with this person and maybe why she is acting like she is. I guess if she can do that I am really suprized. I guess I just don't know what to think anymore, she probably thinks I'm out running around with other women and thought she would do the same. sad thing is im not and if she did it out of anger or to continue the end for us that would be just seem so destructive. just to many things left hanging in wind, truth is not even apart of this anymore. cant tell her anything, she would just get upset or not responde at all. The fact that she won't even see me and I mean just any face to face of any kind she won't let it happen. is she afraid to see me cause it would hurt me or her? sorry just to many unawnsered questions

[pauld2100]

You know I wonder if the person dump her tomorrow I just don't know if she would even call me. maybe I hurt her to bad. don't know

[pauld2100]

If there is anyone out there that was in a similar situation and found a way to do the 180 or help her do the 180 and it worked please let me know. what did you do diffrent I know I have to do things to but with the current conditions there is not much opportunity for her to see any changes. if she can say she loves me and I do also then she is simply forcing herself to take these actions. there has to be a way to give a wake up call in some way before things get any worse. I know she is tring to take care of the house on her own so my help would be a great thing for her but she won't accept my help, so anyone that has lived this and found a way I need your help....

[pauld2100]

More of the same!
Well I read back through some of these post and I am also don't understand it completly, I did see her for a day when my Mother had to go to the emergency room. It was a good day and she was even being suggestive about not getting any sex! I didn't respond to that because I know she has. she also sincerely told me she had a nice day. Now she also asked me to help her and why couldn’t’ I do that and have to live there to do so, I had not even asked to live there. I have not asked for anything but to go lunch once and church with her and the kids. She said yes both times. She didn’t make it both times but sincerely apologized on that good day about missing lunch! So the days after I did go by again and she seemed to not be as nice so I backed off again. I was emotionally distant before I left the house to stay somewhere else but still have not moved out. It seems that some things are working and some not. She has not contacted me since that day and had already started to make less contact before I saw her that day this is also while she had or still is dating maybe, I know it hasn’t went well with that for her. But I have not been asking about any of that. So doing more things for her could that get me out of the more of the same club? That was my 50% that could have pushed her to wanting out. So far I have been just doing a little at a time. I was really surprised that day that when I told her I couldn’t help because I can’t be in two places at once that was the time she told me she had a nice day. It is very hard to tell if she is dating but I can tell she is getting frustrated and worried about not having help. It’s like she wants me to help with the house and her everyday things that need to be done (and I had not done so well at that before so feel that would be a 180 for me) But I also can’t be doing this if she is out looking for Mr. Right also. I know I had baby steps happen but how do I continue. I have not tried to contact her since for a bit and wonder if that flirting with me was my signal to be more open. Any suggestions please….

[pauld2100]

Is anyone seeing these? I have posted a few things. If a Mod. could reply it make my day! I noticed the day I saw her she was frustrated and asking me for help with the house but asked why I had to live there to do so! I had not even given the impression that I did wanted to move back in when asked this. Now I think this important! I responded with I can't in two places at once and well not angry but said I don't care. All the while I was happy as can be, I did not ask about her dating. this seemed to set the tone for that day she asked me to stay for dinner and watch a movie. Now I did see her a couple brief times after this day and she was not as nice. so I backed off again, I was not there emotionally in the R for a while, and I did pursue for a while after she asked me to leave. so it would seem I have both problems to over come, not being there and being there to much right after.... I have read some things she wrote and one thing caught me she said " I am not her truth and never will be" yet we had this nice day after she wrote this. Anyway she told me she is over wehlmed and I know she is. she has not contacted me since that day. But the times I have contacted her she seems more reponsive. Please any suggestions or thoughts!

[I tried hard]

I like this thread! In a sense I've gone dark. Wife (37) started a new affair with 23 yr old. Although I think this is a midlife crisis I resolved there is nothing I can do to tell her this. I decided to go dark/disconnect from the pain and work on me. I wont hold out hope or encourage the affair but rather separate/divorce to give her the space. I beleive there is alot of therapy she needs in other areas but she will not face the facts but rather ignore them because it's easier. I think this affair will run it's course but I can't stand seeing it happen right in front of me.