25- I have been going through some of the older posts you wrote to me. They are encouraging and help me understand. But, do you feel it all still applies. I am wondering if you feel my sitch has changed and my approach must be different than before? Is there no hope? You had said you thought if he was going to change he wouldve by now you think. I wonder though doesn't he get as much time as other was or mlc's get? Or, does the drinking make it take on another approach? I am GAL. Very busy with myself and kids. Thank you everyone for your replies, I appreciate all of the wisdom.
Life, 25 gives you great advice, and I agree with her.
MLC takes a long time. A really long time. Drinking, as far as i am concerned, is a symptom that all is far from well, but as I understand it, in your case this predates the actual MLC. So he has a further issue to deal with, drinking and the OW.
He may change, but I suspect it will take a long time to work through all of his stuff. What we are urging is not necessarily to give up hope. That is your choice. But take the focus entirely off your h and place it on yourself and your own journey. Make it a great journey. If he ever wants to rejoin you on it you will be in a sweet place. Focus on getting to that good place as soon as you can. The length of time varies for all of us. It is when we are on our own, and full of joy. Not saying you won't meet someone else, but we absolutely need to learn to be alone and like it.
it is attainable, but it is hard journey. You will get there.
IF there truly was no hope, what would you do differently? What does that tell you about yourself?
I asked these things of myself and my answers helped me to figure out what I believed about myself and my situation. Then I put one foot in front of the other and took a step. The cool thing about feet is that they go in more than one direction
“The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination.” ~ Marion Zimmer Bradley
Life, this post by Beatrice really says it all. Your question about whether you should change your approach SORT of confuses me.
The whole time he's been gone, his WORDS have NOT matched his ACTIONS, correct?
What you were doing before (letting him spend money, not see the kids and pretend he was "confused" or maybe is, but won't change) was not working for YOU.
That was because of financial reasons that were justifiably concerning to you.
So you filed. THEN He said more words...but changed not one action, correct?
so that's what we "know". Read Beatrice's post again and carefully b/c there's gold in it.
Good luck and YES you WILL get to the other side of this. You really will.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
Life, 25 gives you great advice, and I agree with her.
MLC takes a long time. A really long time. Drinking, as far as i am concerned, is a symptom that all is far from well, but as I understand it, in your case this predates the actual MLC. So he has a further issue to deal with, drinking and the OW.
He may change, but I suspect it will take a long time to work through all of his stuff. What we are urging is not necessarily to give up hope. That is your choice. But take the focus entirely off your h and place it on yourself and your own journey. Make it a great journey. If he ever wants to rejoin you on it you will be in a sweet place. Focus on getting to that good place as soon as you can. The length of time varies for all of us. It is when we are on our own, and full of joy. Not saying you won't meet someone else, but we absolutely need to learn to be alone and like it.
it is attainable, but it is hard journey. You will get there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi. I am staying the course. Just wanted input- how do others handle when your H wants to hug or kiss you. Now, remember he is having an A. I have pulled away each time for the kisses. Wanted others input. Thanks.
Was affection a LL of his? Can you manage to hug and kiss him and then not feel crushed that he's gone to her?
Or are you concerned that being cold to him only confirms his need for her?
I wonder if you were warm and affectionate and IF that's a LL of his, whether it'd be helpful.
But I am mostly concerned with what MY DB coach told me which was, "do what YOU can handle if he doesn't 'call' the next day."
For us, intimacy was a strength so we engaged in it and I usually felt good about it. It seemed to help us reconnect.
I know you are only talking about a kiss and hug...
But if YOU are going to feel used or abused or confused
then don't.
when you have detached more it might get easier.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I need to completely detach. Seems impossible when I feel like I am thrown a bone to keep me quiet or give me hope and H disappears. I still hold onto hope. He says he wants to come home. Tells the kids he hopes to be home in a few months. Really. I never knew that. But, then he drives back to OW. I am venting. I am angry. Just let me go then if he truly doesn't want us. Why come and cry and be remorsful and tells us you love us. Fix things around the house. Then leave. Why?? Then I fail at DBing by iniating contact and then bringing up "whats the plan" "when will you see kids?" Someone. Please give me some 2x4's this neeed to stop. Is it false hope? THere has been NO action on his side Except he has iniated contact with kids on his own. THis is a first and it went well. Help. Such a hard day. I realize I have too many expectations.
once again, you have answered your own questions...
Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
I need to completely detach. Seems impossible when I feel like I am thrown a bone to keep me quiet or give me hope and H disappears. Then DETACH......DETACH.....and
Don't "hope" if that means you are stuck in your life and Not moving forward, which you seem to imply. You know, you are in charge of how YOU react to him...so don't attach ANYTHING to what he says...at all.
I still hold onto hope. He says he wants to come home. Tells the kids he hopes to be home in a few months. Really. I never knew that. But, then he drives back to OW.
all that matters is what he DOES.
I am venting. I am angry. Just let me go then if he truly doesn't want us. Why come and cry and be remorsful and tells us you love us. Fix things around the house. Then leave. Why?? We do NOT know...and probably never will. The REAL question is,
how long are you going to spend your precious energy asking this same question? Besides...is there really such a thing as a "good answer" to that question? I'd say no.
Then I fail at DBing by iniating contact and then bringing up "whats the plan" "when will you see kids?" Someone. Please give me some 2x4's this neeed to stop. STOP THIS...JUST STOP IT....there, does that help?
B/C doing the same thing over and over again is a lot like your h drinking and cheating and crying and thinking that SOMETHING will change or be different...this time...
Is it false hope? I believe in hope. But also, in forward movement. You can have both.
THere has been NO action on his side Except he has iniated contact with kids on his own. THis is a first and it went well. it's not much but it is better than nothing. Let HIM do the contacts now. You know that HE knows how to do it and he now has...and he was welcomed by the kids and so, he has had the road home paved enough for him to walk it.
More than this, is only counter productive. Plus you tend to have a LOT of expectations, which get you hurt, even with the barest of movement on his end.
So I'm reluctant to advise any contact from you. He's still with OW and has done nothing legally, but argue with you about money, correct? Well...
A lot of these guys won't change til they MUST and as long as you enable him to pretty much have what he wants without stopping the OW contact AND with the continual drinking
are you really doing him or your kids or yourself
any favors by pretending he is making real effort? Why not let him find his way out? Isn't the only way this could really work?
Help. Such a hard day. I realize I have too many expectations.
You are in charge of more than you realize.
Take charge of your life.
Show your kids that you (AND THEY) can be happy whether or not their alcoholic father shows up.
They are watching...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Life, Listen to 25. She always gives good advice. Its hard (I should know). How many times has she told me again and again to detach, to just take care of myself. Even when I understood, it took a long time for me to apply.
But now I am starting to see the fruit of my detachment. Its been 16 months post BD for me and at last I am seeing movement.
If he truly did not want you and the kids he would have gone a long time ago. But obviously, your H is a ball of confusion.
As long as we are standing for the M it means we still have hope. Hope is a good thing to have, as long as you do not have EXPECTATIONS.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thank you both. Yes, I am hoping he is peeking out of the tunnel. Connecting with kids a little. But, better than none. He is confused. And, that bugs me. How confusing can it be?!? There should be no confusion whether you want your family or not. But, yes, I understand WHY they are confused. I know I can't "snap" him out of it? Even though I do try. I feel there is no room for me to be human. ALl these excuse for him but none for me. Guess I am still angry.
