It feels impossible to detach. I want him involved in the kid's lives. SO, I believe I use that as an excuse to contact him. I know that is wrong. you do, and it is wrong...and not healthy
But, I keep doing it. Not very often but I do it. One time in 8 months has he asked the kids to do something. It was great but otherwise it is me doing the asking for supper, etc.
Why can't you stop asking him? can you stop asking him for a month?
yes I know you did a no contact before, but do it again, and then again...for a month. It's the beginning of detachment and you have to do it.
Now, I feel like Im obsessing over OW. I have taken 10 steps backwards in my process. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take a step forward...and then do it again. We all had to do it...again and again.
I have GAL. Big time. excellent!! KEEP IT UP!!!
But, he tells me just enough to keep me on a string. And, I drink it in. I know I shouldn't. I have expectations. I really feel rejected.
well, of course you feel rejected. He rejected you. Is that a blunt thing to say? I mean, come on, he wants to drink and be with OW
and AT THIS TIME, he wants that more than he wants to give her and the booze up.
I cannot see how you can invite him for Thanksgiving and not get sucked in.
You're so NOT detached...it'll be weird and awkward and I think you need to start having some holidays WITHOUT HIM....
and He sure needs to see life, even on those days, as it will be without you and the kids
You've given him nothing to miss b/c he knows you are there, waiting...
you have to enforce some boundaries but the problem is,
I cannot think of something he could do to you or in front of you or with OW, or around the kids....or in public,
that would get you to detach. And that saddens me.
what do You think it would take for you to detach?
what would he have to do OR NOT DO, to get you to let go of him and really move forward? what if you were told that the only way to get him home was to let him go?
B/C that is what I"m saying to you... no guarantees, except I KNOW what you are doing isn't working
and it's not healthy and it is eating you up.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had the same problem! I even told my IC that hearing his voice was a confort to me. It kept me posted on his feeling!
That was MY belief! B*ll sh*t is all that was. How could i know how he felt from the tone of his voice? False hope is all that was. He was ALWAYS happy to talk to me but would DROP the conversation in a flash when he was about to get caught by OW or if he got another call on an other phone. My heart was broken many times. When everything went well, i would get sad and miss him even more. I didn't feel good either way.
If you are really doing it for your kids, DIAL AND GIVE THEM THE PHONE. HE HAS YOUR NUMBER! Nothing is stopping him from taking charge of this part of HIS LIFE.
This is extremely hard and you will fell from time to time but keep at it. It is for YOUR OWN GOOD!
He " thinks " that replacing you is easy. He hasn't experienced life without you so far. Let him see for himself what it looks like. Let him realize what he is giving up.
Be the best woman you can possibly be. Change what YOU, not him, don't like about yourself and keep conducting yourself in a respectable, loving, caring, STRONG woman. Be an exemple for your kids to follow.
You are a stranger to me and i would love to meet you in person. Your ex. is blinded right now. Put him on a shelf for later.
So big question for me...working on paying marital debt almost there. I have filed already he responded. That's it. He claims he doesn't want D-neither do I. But filing seemed to make him take notice a little.he is living with OW. Anyway..my question is I have one more debt to pay off. I did tell H as long as he doesn't change the way he's living and attempt to R I am moving forward with D. So he hasn't changed anything so do I remind him or bring it up or have L's contact each other and move forward? Thank u
As Michelle says, and I paraphrase: he heard you the first time. Let the L's handle it.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I don't know what state you live in, but I believe most split what was acquired during the M concerning assets and debt down the middle.
Are you the only one paying down the debt or is your H working toward that goal too? If he's not, then your taking it all on yourself and relieving your H from any responsibility of it should you happen to D.
I agree with Queen. You've told your H your boundary and he knows it, it will do no good to repeat it. I haven't read of many MLCers that have been 'woken' up by the threat of D. Your H remains deep in the tunnel and will emerge on his timeline. You're not dealing with a sane or rational man right now. Nothing said or done will fix it or hurry it along.
Since you both have retained Ls, let them hash it out. That's what you pay them for.
No, we are sharing the responsibility. He more than I since he makes more. I feel if I don't have a hand in it it will not get done. I know this actually. He is in a fog and bill paying is not a priority. But, How much time to give him to make a move? Not trying to wake him up but wanting to follow through on what I said. But, also do not want a D so didn't think I should go there. I do not know. SO confused!!
SA- yes u are right. I did file for that reason. Financially things are better and stabilized but not because the courts are enforcing it. I think just because he had his eyes opened. I would make another move only because I told him if he doesn't change something showing he's moving toward R then I need to move forward with D even though he says he wants no D! I don't either but don't I need to follow through with what I said??!
You can't force your H to wake up. Would you really want him back that way, anyway?
Your H hasn't even begun to deal with his issues and until if/when he does he'll keep riding the roller coaster and you'll be drug along for the ride.
One thing you have to remember is that MLC takes a long time to get through. If your goal is to save your M then you have to detach, and keep moving forward as if your H is not coming back. This prepares you for your life either way.
Patience is key. Please don't worry about what you said to your H about him making a move. MLCers are notorious for their bad memory and besides, you have a right to change your mind. Just say no more about it.
You'll definitely know when you've had enough, and if you are questioning it, you're not through yet.
