Wow, even more good advice. Re-reading my posts from yesterday I can definitely agree with the advice given. I do need to focus on me and my faults. My continued focus on the A is definitely clouding my reconciliation efforts. I think a good way for me to try and not think about it would be to use thoughts of it as prompts to do things that would help our relationship... sort of like a reminder to keep working on being the person that I once was.
We were only in 3 MC sessions so far but some of the issues identified have been that I am putting myself first, not doing random nice/sweet things, and not being attentive to her needs. We also identified that neither one of us is talking WITH each other, we are talking TO each other.
I definitely have been putting myself first. I am the sole worker in the house so I have rationalized my behavior as being in the interest of the family. However, I'm clearly doing that too much. I really need to step back and look at my W's needs as an individual and how I can be a positive influence or assist with them, as opposed to putting my needs first even if I logically think that it is in the family's best interest... or at a minimum discuss it clearly.
I have been working diligently on doing random nice things around the house without prompting. Things that I would have done without prompting years ago but over time have gotten lazy/selfish and don't do unless asked. Example: randomly drive the kids to school in the morning or make their lunches.
I mentioned before that I'm just generally not as happy of a person as I used to be. That started before this whole OM thing and I'm not really sure of the reason. I am healthy and successful, love my kids and wife, and view our life outlook as being very positive. However, I am emotionally just kinda bland. I don't know how to describe it... but I don't get as happy or excited about things as other people do. Example: I love watching my local football team on Sundays. I have always wanted my son to enjoy it with me. He hasn't shown much of an interest in it for whatever reason but lately he really has. He's been asking me if he could watch it with me and asking me to explain things to him. It's like a small dream come true.. I cherish teaching him things about the game that I'm so passionate about. But, I catch myself having these feelings internally but not showing them. I really need to work on that because my wife even mentioned it way before all of this that I just don't seem happy about anything.... even though sometimes I am!
We have our 4th MC session tomorrow. The MC is trying to get us to lead the conversations more, so I know he is going to look to us to bring up issues or topics to discuss. Prior to posting on here I was going to bring up some negative things that my W could work on, but I am not going to do that now. My W has been very cooperative and is participating fully and I am extremely grateful for that. I'm also grateful for all the wonderful posts on here and the time you all are spending to help me fix my problems.
Maybe in this MC session bring up the things you need to work on.
Just an idea and good luck.
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
hahahaha... I don't often get accused of speaking in platitudes especially since I'm not one of the people who agrees with all of the tenets of DB. Sometimes, people just have an opinion.
Someone after my own heart. Good to know.
Originally Posted By: lostinscared
I did offer alternatives that were beyond "don't think about it." With that said, being a long-time vet, what would you suggest as an alternative?
Well, that's the first time I've been accused of being a vet here. I'm far from it. now I feel like a jerk.
Ever hear of the white bear experiment.
personally, I think the only thing that really helps is time. You can't move that forward faster.
Obviously, he can try to remove any triggers. If he had "saved" any evidence...deleted it or put it some place you can't get to. Reading it over and over again is deadly.
Stay away from certain things like love songs, cheating songs, love movies, cheating movies, etc.
An idle mind is harmful here that's why I personally don't like meditation. I'd just end up thinking about my situation.
Some people put rubber bands on their arms to snapped themselves when their mind goes there. I'm not into self abuse myself.
For me, those early days are a blur.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Sure, I understand, meditation isn't for everyone. It helped me enormously. I tend towards a very anxious mind and I needed to learn how to calm myself. Despite tremendous resistance on my part, I finally was convinced to try it and it did wonders for me. It was a part of a bio feedback program that I tried (to help my chronic migraines). The idea here is to give Jake as many options as possible. And I agree, time always works best.
Big hugs to my homestate of CT... it's been almost 2 years since I got transferred and my heart is stil broken...
"I definitely have been putting myself first. I am the sole worker in the house so I have rationalized my behavior as being in the interest of the family. However, I'm clearly doing that too much. I really need to step back and look at my W's needs as an individual and how I can be a positive influence or assist with them, as opposed to putting my needs first even if I logically think that it is in the family's best interest... or at a minimum discuss it clearly."
Exactly
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My 2 cents do not slip into "Nice Guy" territory doing things and expecting rewards for doing so. It is a slippery slope when you are trying to put others first. And do not neglect yourself as it can build resentment. Rather include others and yourself as equals acknowledging their needs as well as your own.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hi Jake. I guess it's rude of me not to read all of your posts before making a response, but this statement you made just stopped me in my tracks.
Quote:
There was an OM that my wife was "just friends" with for like 2 months. She hung out with him many times and I suspect that she spent the night at his place a couple times.
Do you believe a M includes a friendship with the opposite sex and spending time alone with him/her and staying over-night?
Your W has slapped you in the face with the biggest act of disrespect she could ever do. She will not have any sexual attraction (those in-love feelings) without respect. Women tie respect into the love they feel for the man. She is wired to need to feel respect for him as a man, first, and her husband, second. That is why we women "let" you men be our leader over our home. Whenever you see a woman spending free time alone with a man, who is not her H or relative, it usually means trouble is brewing.
I realize this is not considered "moderm" in today's world, but you don't change human nature just b/c of gender equality.
So, what to do? You are tortured with thoughts of this OM instead of what your W is feeling. Is the fact she had an A a deal breaker with you? Apparently not, since you are scared out of your mind that you'll push her away! I can't tell you how bad that makes you sound. I can.....but I'd get banned from the board.
Listen, I was a WAW in an A, and I know a little about the female thoughts and feelings. Forget about OM and what you'd like to do with him. He's not the real threat here, it's your W and her lack of respect and her misguided sense of "friendships" out of the MR. Maybe she wasn't taught any better, IDK, but you didn't help by allowing this behavior. The M has to be based on some solid principles and have clear boundaries in place, or the family is lost. Do you and your W know where those boundaries are? It's one thing to know and step over the boundary, it's another to not even know.
Has there ever been any other infidelity?
If you are afraid to bring up the subject of the A at the MC, then you're waisting your money. That's like sweeping dirt under the rug and trying to maintain a clean house.
Do not do anything without running it by here first. At least not until you began to digest a few things. We can't tell everything in the first few posts, so stick with us, okay?
This M can be saved, but it will take a long time, long patient, learning a lot of new information, and requiring new skills. Are you up for the job?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Respect is a big deal, you do need to change, you do need to open up, but don't get walked all over in the process.
Along with DB and DR, make sure you read No More Mr Nice Guy. Its important that you start addressing what her complaints are, its also important that you understand how to properly set boundaries.
I know right now you dont want to make waves, but you need to be careful not to create a dynamic where she gets her way by threatening to leave. Think about it this way she is currently trying to get away with an affair. Not saying to be angry resentful, or vengeful, just both of you need to understand that boundaries need to be created.
I agree that a boundary needs to be set that it's not OK to have friends of the opposite-sex that you are alone with. This is really the only case of that and the fact that she hid it tells me she knows my stance on it and chose to do it anyways.
I'm going to look into the No Mr Nice Guy book, but I am not a doormat now. As soon as I found out about the OM I confronted her about it and began my way over the top snooping.
I'm trying to find the right balance of not being a doormat but also being more attentive to her needs and doing "nicer" things. Here's an example: we just moved and had a bunch of heavy items in the hallway that need to be moved so the furniture people could get through later today. I moved them without prompting when she wasn't home this morning. That is something that I would have had to be prompted to do a few months ago. I also took her out to breakfast unexpectedly after we dropped the kids off at school. That's something that I normally would not have done because I don't really care for it, although she enjoys it.
