lc4, I'm glad things seems to starting to move in the right direction again. I think you're going to have these relapses but they'll get better over time. It's probably not a bad thing to have these occasional relapses either. If you're anything like me, if it's too easy it's going to generate some anxiety because it's too easy.
The very last thing I would want for you in the world is an unsuccessful reconciliation, or even worse, a temporary reconciliation. Believe me, having lived through it, it's not a good feeling when you think you're finally on the right road only to get bombed again. I think these minor setbacks are just a necessary evil. If y'all can get these feelings out of way as you go through this process, I think it'll be for the better in the long run.
I know exactly how you feel lc4. I don't know how our H expect us to react when something like that happens. I mean we suffered through a huge betrayal, and the pain we have to endure our H will never understand. But please don't beat yourself up for it.
Every derailment is a learning experience. I hope your H calms down and understands or at least attempts to understand how seeing the OW brought back those feelings. After all it's not like you asked for the A to happen or asked to run into OW. He needs to put himself in your shoes and wonder how he would feel if the tables were turned.
Good luck and my prayers are with you!! Big Hugs!!
Freebird
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
Wow, E...so good to hear from you! Thanks for checking in on me! I've thought of you often, hoping that "no news is good news," so I'm glad to read that things are continuing to go well.
Yes, no news was good news. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part, things are going well. Admittedly, I've struggled not to go all WAW on him because piecing is hard. I think my anxiety is worse during all this than it ever was during the bomb drops. I'm not doing so well at dealing with the memory of the A sometimes, truth be told. But I'm not scared of D anymore.
For example - H and I got into it one day and he actually said maybe it would be better if we D'd because he had ruined us. I lost it and replied, "Do you really want to go there?! Because if you do you better have a lawyer on speed dial because I will not be threatened with D again! So cut the sh!t! I'm so onto you because we both know you don't really want a D!" He looked at me stunned for a few seconds and then started laughing and said I was pretty funny because I never say things like "cut the sh!t" and that yes, I was onto his game. He apologized and said he realized that he only ever threatened D because he was angry at me for rejecting him prior to him meeting crazy ow and that he never actually wanted a D. At least he can't play the D card so casually anymore.
Originally Posted By: lc4
Thankfully, when I did see ow , this time she wasn't "driving" a grocery cart to run me over with.
Our H's sure know how to pick 'em. Although, that story is a wee bit funny. The best part however, was how well you handled it.
Originally Posted By: lc4
As you know from keeping up with my sitch, she is quite the belligerent one, and considering she was knocking back several beers where we saw her, I was fearful she might make a scene in front of my family. Unfortunately, I was the only one to make the scene after we got home...not really...it was far from a scene, but I did let a lot of fear and hurt get the best of my mouth. Anyway, I think we are getting back on track and will put this behind us as a small bump in a very long road.
As I said, I think you've done an amazing job of handling the and hopefully your H will forgive you for this small bump. My H said that the A makes him feel guilty and horrible, and he wants to forget what a lying, selfish, petty jerk he became during that time. He also said talking about it triggers anger in him sometimes because he's embarrassed and mad at himself. Therefore, perhaps your H's A is simply a reminder of who he was during that time and his anger is just guilt in disguise.
Originally Posted By: lc4
Speaking of ow , I hope the one you had to deal with has finally learned her lesson and is off the radar.
Well, she was quiet for awhile and then she started up her campaign of crazy again by texting my H so that they could "talk" about it. He said there was NOTHING to talk about but she kept texting him for a few days and begging. He sent her a No Contact email and said that he loved me and that the A only happened because he thought I didn't love him anymore (yes, I did give him the ILYBINILWY speech long before he met ). Did that stop her? Of course not so I emailed her and said that since she was so eager to talk to me in the summer...here I am. I added that my H had made it very clear that it was over between them and that every time she contacted him, he was going to let me know and I would respond for him. We haven't heard from her since.
Originally Posted By: lc4
I also hope and pray that your daughter and son are doing better and that your daughter has worked through some of her anger against your husband.
Yes, our daughter is speaking to H again and even asked for him to accompany her on an errand recently but she's still guarded. There is progress though. Our little guy is still concerned about D and always asks what Dad and I are going to do after he's in bed. He needs assurance that we are going to cuddle and talk so that's what we tell him. Although, it's what we've been doing so it's all good.
Originally Posted By: lc4
Feel free to hijack my thread if you aren't starting another thread. Either way, I'm just glad you stopped by with your support. Big hugs to you, lc4
Thanks, lc! I will start a new thread soon. And I'll be popping in from time to time to check up on my favourite DB'ers.
For the record, today I had to drive by the restaurant H and ow would go to for after work drinks. My heart rate always increases and I can feel my fingernails growing as I want to .....well. It's still really hard.
We were out to dinner tonight and some guy at the place said my H would like to go to the state where I believe ow moved.....and my H then said, "Only in the _____." It's where we believe she moved to....thankfully H caught his faux pas and wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close, and kissed my head as he said he was sorry.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Thought about you yesterday and how you have to hold your ground with your family about your decision to stay with H. I was making X-mas decorations at a gathering of good friends. Conversation soon got into R & M. A newish friend in the group started telling me that I didn't love my H! Another one asked if I liked him as a person. As they whirled their own ideas and judgments at me I was a little stunned, but I held my ground. Thankfully one friend in the group who has known me for 35 years spoke up and helped by saying I would never just stay in a R or M if I wasn't in love. It's hard isn't it?!
Then validation came. They also were saying how my H is pompous and cocky. I told them it was just a cover for a very insecure person and that I honestly don't think he realizes how he comes across sometimes. I deal with his insecure idiosyncrasies all the time. Sometimes I do better than at other times. J3B I hope you read this! Sorry lc4 for the mini hijack.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Hi, MZ. I don't consider your post a hijack at all! Good for you for standing your ground. Be confident in the fact that you love your husband and are doing what you believe is best for your life and family. To heck with what others think or believe. My guess is that by talking about your situation, they are trying to hide their own skeletons in their closets (EVERYONE has them!). I'm glad you had a friend there who stood up for you. As far as what they think about your husband, they don't have to be married to him, nor do they have to like him! There are always going to be people out there who have the potential of derailing us. My best advice is to put it out of your mind as best you can and don't even honor the situation by telling your husband about it.
As for me and my situation, things are MUCH better than they were a week and a half ago! My husband slowly started thawing a bit as I backed off and gave him time and space to do so, and we had an incredible weekend out of town for one child's soccer tourney and celebrating another's birthday. Please keep me, my marriage and my family in your prayers over the next few days, as we will be with my side of the family for Thanksgiving. I want my husband to feel welcome and comfortable, so it's up to my family to be loving and accepting to him. My only worry is with my Mother, so pray especially hard for her!
I hope all of my DB friends (heck, my DB family!) has a blessed Thanksgiving! love and hugs, lc4
lc4, My very best wishes for you and your family at this time. You will be at the forefront of my thoughts. I'm so glad to hear that things are back to being better - and obviously due to your amazing skill - your ability to back off and give your H the space he needs is an inspiration to people like me. I'm so happy too, to hear about your kids. They must be SO thrilled that everyone is around to celebrate together. Prayers heading your mom's way as well! Best, NLW
As for me and my situation, things are MUCH better than they were a week and a half ago! My husband slowly started thawing a bit as I backed off and gave him time and space to do so, and we had an incredible weekend out of town for one child's soccer tourney and celebrating another's birthday. Please keep me, my marriage and my family in your prayers over the next few days, as we will be with my side of the family for Thanksgiving. I want my husband to feel welcome and comfortable, so it's up to my family to be loving and accepting to him. My only worry is with my Mother, so pray especially hard for her!
lc4, I am thrilled to hear y'all have righted the ship and are on a better track. I suspected it was just going to take a little time, but who knows how much time? At the end of day, it's probably a good thing y'all had that hiccup.
I am still praying for you and your family. I will also pray for your Mom! ((()))
It seems to me how you explained your thoughts to JB in this post would be the perfect way to talk to your family. If you are close to them,(and you certainly seem to be by the tone of your post), and they truly love you, they will in time understand how important it is to you to be able to count on their support.
As I have seen a number of times on this board, what counts is actions, not words. With time, your family will see your h is serious in his attempts to reconcile, and hopefully they will accept it at face value.
Just my 2 cents, have a good holiday!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
