"I agree that a boundary needs to be set that it's not OK to have friends of the opposite-sex that you are alone with."
That's all fine and good, but how do you plan to enforce that? Just remember that these are boundaries for you. You can't force her to stop doing what she's doing and in many cases it has to run it's course before things start to change.
Can you live with that?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The most important thing about boundaries is that you will enforce the consequences.
Its like laws, without enforcement it's just ink and paper. Here's the thing she WILL test your boundaries in one form or another. The question is are you prepared to follow through with your repercussions, or are you merely creating another layer of hollow threats to be stomped all over.
"I definitely have been putting myself first. I am the sole worker in the house so I have rationalized my behavior as being in the interest of the family. However, I'm clearly doing that too much. This^^ struck a chord in me as it's exactly what my h said when he wanted us all to move, again, (17 moves in 30 years ALL for him)
for his career. (Translation, his desire to live in the wilds of Alaska and supposedly "earn millions", was what WE all wanted OR what we ALL SHOULD HAVE wanted...but did not...and btw, factually he was way off and the whole job deal was a Ponzi scheme.
He once said WE were "all being irrational."
We already had lived there and did not like it. Only h loved it there.
And part of why we did not like it was HIS behavior there. (Plus the insane temperatures and lack of daylight...crazy me...crazy kids who want to play outside and not die...) The belief that money = power is humiliating to those of us with careers who chose to stay home with our children, only to have our h's treat us as powerless and, implicitly, worth Less.... instead of supporting what for ME was a selfless choice, all my power was taken and I felt penalized for it...
I really need to step back and look at my W's needs as an individual and how I can be a positive influence or assist with them, as opposed to putting my needs first even if I logically think that it is in the family's best interest... or at a minimum discuss it clearly."
Exactly
Yes this is true & needed. And note the (and I know you are--so kudos to you for that)
self serving nature of rationalizing how "the family" is, in effect, merged into YOU b/c what YOU want is, "naturally", in their best interests too...it's not something I hear a lot of women say.
Glad you see this. Not easy to change but it's not complicated either.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We went to our 4th MC session last night and I'm a bit discouraged. My W participated but seemed uninterested in being and she complained of a stomach ache before it. I don't know if she really had the stomach ache or if she just didn't want to go. We had to take our kids with and let them sit in the waiting room, and the MC seemed unhappy about this when he saw them. My wife said after the session that his reaction made her mad and that she is starting to feel like our sessions are just repetitions of the same thing.
Our session was more of the same of what we had been working on. My W said that she has seen me make the changes we've been discussing in the previous sessions, which is reassuring to me because she isn't showing me much that she is aware of me making changes.
I'm not sure what happened but my wife's mood has changed in the last day or two. She has become more reserved and less outwardly happy. We have a big birthday party coming up for one of our kids so maybe she's just stressed with that, so I'm focusing on helping prepare for it.
I'm having a hard time understanding how my faults in the relationship would drive her to a PA. It's clear that I have had relationship faults, but how does that justify a PA? Either way, I need to accept that it may or may not have happened, and I may or may not ever know the truth. I'm trying to focus on improving myself in areas that relate to our relationship.
My commitment to change is going to benefit me and my children regardless of what my W does, so I need to continue on this path.
Your W's stomach ache may or may not have played a part in her demeanor during MC. If your sessions with the MC are turning out to be more of the same, it may warrant seeing another MC. However, hopefully you have all worked together to establish some goals.
You've probably seen it here before, but try to avoid any mind reading. There's no telling what is influencing your W's mood. Mind reading will just drive you crazy. Besides, you can only control yourself.
It may be the combination of your faults AND her faults drove your W to the PA. It doesn't justify it, though.
Originally Posted By: jake999
My commitment to change is going to benefit me and my children regardless of what my W does, so I need to continue on this path.
This is a great attitude. This also tells me you are committed to making the right changes. Because of that, the changes are more likely to last.
"I agree that a boundary needs to be set that it's not OK to have friends of the opposite-sex that you are alone with."
Yep, very difficult to enforce this. Friends and co-workers would probably have more influence than a spouse would. They wouldn't be accused of being jealous or trying to "control" the spouse.
"I'm having a hard time understanding how my faults in the relationship would drive her to a PA. "
It's natural but remember one important thing:
NOTHING YOU'VE DONE EVER JUSTIFIES AN AFFAIR. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Your W made a decision. Rather than going to MC first or having a heart to heart, or whatever, SHE made the decision to have an A. It's not your fault.
In fact, many WAS's actually accuse the LBS of giving them no choice but to have an A. "If you paid more attention to me, I wouldn't be forced to have sex with another person." Uh yeah right.
Don't beat yourself up over this. The OP is not better than you. Remember that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I'm having a hard time understanding how my faults in the relationship would drive her to a PA. "
It's natural but remember one important thing:
NOTHING YOU'VE DONE EVER JUSTIFIES AN AFFAIR. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I part ways with Bond's comments here, if I understand them...
YES-while we are all responsible for our choices, the fact that your wife MAY have felt justified in it, DOES MATTER and your role in that, DOES MATTER...and my gut tells me that either
your w is selfish and rationalizes things easily and you're a great guy who has little to work on - but must accept he married a lousy partner
OR YOU DID PLAY A PART in this and you have to work on YOU so that part of this, yours, does not get replayed...
you decide which it is...but if it's all on her, then you are powerless.
Your W made a decision. Rather than going to MC first or having a heart to heart, or whatever, SHE made the decision to have an A. It's not your fault.
OR MAYBE
she talked to her h 100 times and said she felt neglected, needed more attention, wanted time together, didn't like being ignored, or abused or yelled at or critisized or controlled, or a dozen other things she MAY have said but were not heard...
In fact, many WAS's actually accuse the LBS of giving them no choice but to have an A. "If you paid more attention to me, I wouldn't be forced to have sex with another person." Uh yeah right.
Don't beat yourself up over this. The OP is not better than you. Remember that.
all I'm saying here is that if you were a perfect h and had a wonderful happy marriage
then I guess she screwed the pooch
and you are helpless to change a thing b/c you are already flawless.
Wouldn't it be a better use of your time trying to CHANGE YOU and that means moving on
not giving up - but movoig forward as a man, living your life well,
letting her discover the flaws of OM and letting the memories of closeness with you, resurface? That requires DETACHMENT and some brave inward searching.
The real journey is an inward one anyhow, so figure out who you want to be and become that man.
Once there, you have to know you've done your best and that the results are out of your hands.
It's true that in theory, your w may have had an affair no matter what.
What do you do with that? The same thing! Become the best man you can become and move forward.
If she wants to catch up to you, SHE WILL...as long as you keep the road home is paved and smooth, (Not saying be a doormat!!!)
then she'll make the effort if she's up for it. If not, then you are moving forward that much sooner.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sure she feels justified in doing so, and he seems to have owned up to everything he's done wrong.
However, a R is a two way street. I'm sure there were times when she wasn't perfect. It's natural for the LBS to experience low self-esteem and feel like their "not good enough" for the WAS.
The problem is that with that negative self-talk the LBS starts thinking it was ALL their fault. You've fessed up to everything you've contributed to your marital problems and are taking steps to correct it. It does not make you unworthy of your W.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Its easy in the first steps of DB to blame yourself for it all, I know I did it.
It really takes 2 to ruin a marriage, I think that's the biggest take away for Jake here. He has flaws to work on and so does she. The catch though is that as Mr Bond, 25, and myself know, he can only directly change himself.
So Jake focus on fixing your flaws first, you may have been a jerk, you may have been a doormat, you may have been some mixture of both. Change to make yourself a better person, then as you change are a better man, and establish the boundaries you need she will be faced with deciding whether she wants to do the hard work to stay with Jake 2.0 or leave.
The old Jake landed you in a possible affair situation, time to try something new. Be the type of loving husband any woman would be dumb losing, AND be the strong man that will not take disrespect from his spouse.
I see 2 scenarios for you
A. You were a lousy husband so she had no incentive to stay.
B. She has so little respect for you that despite being a good man, she knows she has you like an obedient puppy, and sees no risk of losing you even if she gets caught.
The truth is probably somewhere in between, regardless its time to roll up those sleeves and start working. BTW have you read [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed] yet?
